Not Surprising...

I guess it is not surprising, in the wake of so much earth intensity and personal growth, that a hard moment would enter the mix. As part of what started out as a fairly innocuous conversation the other day, some of my family's demons rose to the surface, and I have had -- at the very least -- to acknowledge their continuing potential to cause me pain. 

This isn't something I could illustrate with art, photography, or music (even if I had pulled all those strings together already) so all I will do today is express again the message I received early in this lifetime and often: you are not worthy of our attention, financial support, or love. Period. Full stop. Yes, I was fed and housed through high school, attended private school and college, and seemed to benefit from the 1960's Capital District infrastructure that I currently see around me in its 21st century iteration. On the surface, it was a good American start in the world. But way deep down, there was no "there" there in this little nuclear family. There was no actual top-down Love, and the person who could be blamed for everything was not only blamed, but deep-sixed. The person with probably the greatest ability to love was ostracized. I mean, this first happened on my "birth day", and then over and over from then on, and the psychic pain is immeasurable. I keep thinking that I've done as much healing work as I can, but clearly I have not. 

What is so traumatizing about our current time is seeing the very same impulse playing out on the larger stage. Perhaps it was "the human condition" of the previous paradigm to leave unwanted people in the psychic wilderness or kill them off. But that sorry paradigm is coming to a rapid close. The Age of Aquarius has started. The Goddess is in the ascendant, and such activities will rapidly become obsolete. In the future, we will never do such things to our children, any of our children. 

This is the moment for some of us to address past trauma and pain, and make a final push to heal. Wounds may be manifesting as physical pain, emotional pain, or a combination of the two, and obviously some measure of active healing cannot hurt. But I also think we are going through the portal into an era where, literally, a lifetime of slights can no longer hurt us. If, in the past, other people chose to operate from a place of non-Love, their choices can no longer hurt us. By next year, 2026, it will be time to move forward without the heavy load of past grief. It is time to completely let go.

I know how important I am. This is not ego, or narcissism, or power-hungriness, it is simply understanding that when you are a facet of the great Goddess, you cannot possibly be "unimportant" or "unworthy". It is time for all of us to start resonating with new words like "worthy", "extraordinary" and "brilliant". And it is time to see what life is like when it reverberates those energies back to us!

"Spem in Alium"

Last night, I couldn't sleep properly for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was perseverating on the news. At midnight, I turned on my local classical music station just in time to hear the very beginning of a piece I have sung only once, but feel I know to the core of my being, Thomas Tallis's "Spem in Alium", the haunting 40-voice motet. (Oddly, and it must have been the lack of sleep, I spent several bars thinking, "Is this 'Spem in Alium'?" before realizing that of course it was.) 

By the end of the piece, in ten minutes or so, I sat up and thought something that, unbelievably, I don't think I have ever thought or said before. And that is: it is completely unacceptable that I have lived a life largely separated from this music, which is energetically me. (And of course, I don't mean just "Spem in Alium", or Howells's "Collegium Regale" or Parry's "I Was Glad" or Harris's "Faire is the Heaven" or Byrd's "Sing Joyfully"...or any one of thousands of pieces and services that are part of the English cathedral repertoire.) It is unacceptable that I was always an ocean away, or a gender away, or a nationality away, or whatever it was that pulled me apart from myself. And as much as I hope the next few weeks and months finds me incorporating this music and my visual arts skills into my self-expression in a more effective way, that is still arguably window-dressing. This tradition is me, the core of me. This is my music, my primary form of beauty, my primary form of spirituality, my energetic vibration. It is my primary form of "religious" expression, despite a personally expanded theological context. "Spem in Alium" means, essentially, "Only in Thee, O Lord, do I put my trust" -- if at this moment I dedicate my love for this music to the feminine face of God, I get to do that. I am 69 years old, it has been a journey and a half to stay alive, and I get to do that.

Needless to say, I was finally able to get to sleep. Then, to wake up and hear that Sarah Mullally has been named the first woman Archbishop of Canterbury...what synchronicity. Or is it?!

All I will say today...

All I will say today is that what we are seeing in front of our eyes isn't the tragedy (as I am sure I've said before). The tragedy is the dualistic paradigm that humans have lived with for so long. The tragedy has been believing that strife is necessary and winning is possible, in any situation. The good news is that we are growing out of duality -- into a more unified, less conflict-driven mode.  This is the proverbial dawning of the Age of Aquarius, as little as it may look like it some days. More and more people will come to realize that the only antidote to hatred, fear, and conflict is Love. And much as I, at least, cannot begin to love certain people or situations, I trust and embrace what I believe of the process, which is bringing more Love to all life in the universe. All I can do today is be as loving as possible in as many situations as possible, to align with that greater Love.

(It's still not clear whether my old camera, which I did find, will be compatible enough to use for sharing photographs, so I'll keep you posted on that.)