Saintly Days

On several occasions in the past, I have written posts on November 1 or 2 about the Christian commemorations, All Saints Day and All Souls Day. So I will try not to repeat myself. But there are a few new factors this year. One of them is that, in addition to as ever remembering the hymn "For All the Saints" (with its, for me, highly problematical words), I suddenly also remembered a descant to the hymn, sung by the sopranos in my childhood Episcopal church choir. That such an obscure tune, possibly written by our organist and not in the hymnal, would survive in my head for nearly 60 years is remarkable.

The second factor was finding that I have a really negative response toward a term that is evidently used of saints in the Catholic church, "heroic virtue." At first glance, bravery (in the face of attack or death or challenges to one's faith) would not seem to be a bad thing -- especially when the saintly person is trying to help others. I guess the notion is that heroism comes easily to saints, and that it is second nature tor them to put others before themselves. No surprises there.

And yet...once you find yourself perched outside of the duality umbrella, this notion of sainthood can't help but rankle. It takes for granted conflict, two sides set up in opposition to one another, people being forced to fight (for their own faith or others') -- all that "A vs. B" stuff that I just don't seem to resonate with any more. Somehow, saintliness in a violence context just doesn't seem as holy to me any more.

"My" saint (Valeria) -- to whom the chant piece I analyzed for my master's degree was dedicated -- was supposedly killed by her fiance, and went to heaven in a ball of flame. Her insistence on converting to Christianity outraged her future husband...there's an awfully fine line between her being honored for her faith (while alive) and for her martyrdom/death. Many traditionally religious people might see no difference. But for me, there is entirely too much violence in this whole construct...Heck, that particular 9th century incident sounds horrifyingly like present-day domestic violence. And the whole "martyr" thing is a hard model for me too, as a modern woman. Even in the 21st century, women too seldom get to live their own lives, aligned solely with their own values and inclinations. 

Perhaps, then, this is the last year that these two Christian holy days will resonate at all with me. Any "saintliness" I aspired to as a child certainly never happened within that religious construct (!) From this moment forward, I hope my eyes will see evidence of the Goddess in the world every day; people aligning with Her values for the sheer joy (and logic) of doing so, not as a counterpoint to "evil" or attack, or with the goal of "saving others". It would be lovely to see people regularly manifesting beauty, love and harmony simply because it is the only viable path forward, simply because those are the only qualities they have within them.

A Certain kind of Light

At this time of year, right before the end of daylight savings time, there is such a warm but sharply mysterious quality to the light late in the afternoon. Right now, the trees have lost most of their leaves, but with the sun so low in the sky, it shines brightly with nothing filtering it, at such an odd angle. (This is when I hate the fact that I'm not really a very good nature writer. I've been reading some relatively unknown works by Rachel Carson, and, in effect, wishing I were her!)

Perhaps this pale, strident yellow light is resonating basically as a "calm before the storm". I don't know what will happen next week, or exactly what the repercussions will be, but there does seem to be a quality among people I am meeting of a collective breath being held. Is it fanciful to think that even Nature is holding Her breath? In a more Goddess-centered world, I doubt such conflicts between radically different sides would even exist. Leadership would be more wisdom-based, inclusive, and circular, not top down. Easy enough to say, isn't it?

I envision a leadership that includes Nature -- and directly. I'm not quite sure what I mean by this, except that people would meet outside or in a setting with large windows, inviting Nature in, including Her in many decision-making processes. If people "sat" immersed in the magical quality of the late-afternoon, late-fall light, they might naturally come to different kinds of conclusions than they do in most human-constructed offices and cavernous assembly chambers, under artificial lighting. We might listen to the hawks circling overhead, or honor the wisdom of the stream rushing by, or think about the future as it relates to the earthworms burrowing below us. We might "see" the light in the grasses, and in the roots of trees, and in the pinecones. As societies, we may be cutting off our potential for enlightenment by doing more and more of our work inside or on screens, away from the genuine light of day.

Sunday is traditionally the hardest day of the year for me, when it gets dark around 4 pm for the first time. I don't think I have "SAD", but that first shift backwards is always a bit traumatizing. I try to remember that the "certain kind of light" is what it is, whether we humans determine that it is happening at 4 pm or 3 pm. 

The Defibrillator

I guess I may use metaphors a little too much, but they help me understand things and I figure they may help others understand things, if the metaphor is apt. So today, I was looking back on the month since I arrived back east, and realize that in a way, it has been like a defibrillator, shocking me back to life. Now, this doesn't mean that I was literally dying in Duluth -- indeed, I underwent quite a rebirth over the last two years or so, but into a routine and situation that no longer quite worked or was stimulating enough to sustain me. It was the perfect place to rise to a new level of awareness, but perhaps not the perfect place to move forward from there. And I'm not entirely sure that "here" is either, but racing around a sprawling populated area that I'm only somewhat familiar with nowadays, attending events that are unfamiliar, meeting people who are unfamiliar, and traveling in fast-moving highway arteries has been a jolt..like an electrical charge, potentially aligning me with a new kind of life, if (ahem!) it doesn't do me in.

Of course it has to be said that part of the shock has been to see (and hear) the horrifying expressions of national and international hatred and conflict getting louder and more lethal. As much as I have expected (in general terms) the kinds of nightmares that are already characterizing this decade, the reality comes close to being unbearable for many of us. The only path through it is love. Not the word "love", but the genuine ability to love others, or -- at the very least -- say or do as little harm as possible to people, plants, animals, the earth, or any form of life. (Coincidentally, I seem to be becoming more of a vegetarian. My system seems to be going "off" meat, anyway.)

Most mornings, I start the day writing down an intention, and then blindly pulling a card from one of the three oracle decks I have with me. This morning, I couldn't even come up with an intention. I literally wrote, "I have no idea!" I think it may be the first time in this whole leg of my journey when I was honest enough to say that. I am clueless. And perhaps not surprisingly, I picked a card that explores being at the heart of the Divine. At this moment, all I can seem to "do" is "be" here. And try to personify the Goddess's beautiful energy as much as I can.

One Lesson

One lesson of this liminal time became clear to me yesterday. I have managed to find four or five Goddess-themed or metaphysical stores around the region. Old-fashioned me, I'd thought that perhaps I'd find that they had traditional bulletin boards, and that I might find little thumbtacked posts along the lines of, "Goddess-friendly house looking for housemate, reasonable rent". Well, of course, most of this is done online these days. Because I have not taken naturally to that aspect of our modern world, I have perhaps sabotaged myself, although going into these stores in person served an important purpose: I've met people in person. So far, I can't say that I've met any women who I can imagine sharing a space with. Even taking into account that I have such a unique life and educational background, and that I recognize that I'll never find a complete overlap, it's been somewhat of an eye-opener. I've been craving enough community in this area of my life that perhaps I created a not-easily-fulfilled vision. In fact, almost each woman I met said, "Hey, that kind of housing sounds like a good idea!" If I were in a different situation, perhaps I would be the one buying a house then looking for roommates!

So, exactly one month since my first full day "out east", and I am still betwixt-and-between. My own self-imposed deadlines/lifelines have come and gone, and while I'm clearer and clearer about who I am, where on earth (much less the Capital District) I might actually fit in remains a mystery. I start each day, asking the Goddess where she wants me, and the clearest leadings I get are the dreaded "no's" -- cynics would surely say that by now, I should have realized that my whole belief system is a recipe for failure in the "real world". I do get that; res ipsa loquitur! My life speaks exactly to that! But I stubbornly refuse to die or disappear, at least, not yet. (That has been my motto for decades now!)

But I may have to accept that there could be completely different kind of living situation or place calling me. That love and commonality in some other form may be coming down the road, and that I need to stay open, curious, and soft-hearted. And this applies to looking at so many of the heartbreaking issues facing our world. As horrific as they are, there is an important lesson within them for all of us, if we can remain in a place of eagerness to learn and grow. 

Goddess Words 33: Channels

It's time for a new Goddess word, but today I wasn't up for some of the words left on my list, so I chose "channels". Interestingly, it is a word with a host of meanings, although broadly speaking they are all related: a passage or pathway, a river or watercourse deep enough for a boat to pass through, frequencies for radio and TV stations.  As a verb, to channel is to direct something through a certain pathway, or to transmit information. And also interestingly, I had both "channels" and "open channels" on this original list ("love" appears three times!)

So when I was thinking about the Goddess fifteen or twenty years ago, why did I associate open channels with Her? I am not entirely sure, except to say that I picture Her as one who is always open to us, arms open, heart open, and soul open. She doesn't need to close herself or protect herself because ultimately she is more powerful than any outside force. The channels through which she gives birth (to human life, animal and plant life, planets, stars, galaxies) are open, not blocked. She wants all forms of life to continue to evolve moving forward -- and, despite all the hard balancing She is having to do to to maintain life on earth, She is not about "death", because in the longterm, death doesn't exist. All life has been birthed by the Love she constantly pours out, and we have access to that Love all day, every day, even beyond our so-called "deaths". Love is being channeled directly to us and through us, but it is up to us whether to keep our channels open.

Increasingly, I think of a lot of the writing I am doing here as "channeled" spiritual thoughts from my own highest self. I suppose I have been more open to channeling than many other people, especially well-educated people, and I can understand why it can seem pretty "out there", spontaneous, and unscientific. When someone channels a specific historical figure, or speaks in odd voices, even I can be a bit skeptical. But on the other side of the coin, I think that every creative person alive has essentially "channeled" their artistic, musical, poetic, or other expressive material. Many of us share that feeling that we don't know exactly where our creative urges are coming from, that they seem much bigger than ourselves. And a case could be made that most humans frequently channel the Divine -- when we help someone, when we cook a delicious meal, when we knit scarves for the homeless or hand-make gifts for our friends. Positive, beautiful acts may be said to have been channeled, birthed through some greater Love that we can barely understand. So when I intuit how the Goddess might think or feel, even knowing that I might be completely wrong, I'm comfortable with that activity. If it helps me to get through some of the tricky channels of life, or helps another person do the same, it's certainly worth a try.

I also think that a Goddess-led activity will generally happen fairly effortlessly, with the kind of ease that a boat (or even a leaf) floats down a wide river. Aspects of my current transition have happened easily and effortlessly, for which I am outrageously grateful. And I've tried to patiently wait out the ways in which I have felt stalled or blocked, knowing that possibly the solutions in front of me weren't the right ones. Waiting for the best possible door to open is hard. There are a number of Erie Canal/Mohawk River locks in this area, and perhaps it is like being a boat in line to enter a lock before continuing downriver. But I am trying to focus on the fact that the bigger channel is open, Her bigger Love is open, beautiful, and life-filled, however often I am momentarily delayed or put on hold. 

Leaves falling like rain

On this freakishly hot October day, the leaves are falling like rain from the trees. The crunchy sound hits the deck, almost like sleet or hail, only the skies are a brilliant, cloudless blue. It's strange how the tree and bush and grass colors are so very fall-like (and some of them, almost garishly so!) but the temperatures are all wrong. I haven't researched this, but it seems to me like they are falling from dryness, not frost, since we haven't officially had any frost.  And I'm hearing birds that sound springlike.

Yet in the middle of climate chaos, there have indeed been wonders. At the end of the window of opportunity, out in the country, I saw the comet (after days of close calls caused by jet trails) and it was a wonderful reminder of the vastness of space and our inability to control it.

After talking about wanting to say "yes" (or at least to stop saying "no"), I had a few days of bouncing around with too many "no's" and feeling out of my element. However, nature seems to be the antidote. When I see a hawk, a sunset, the stars, comets or meteor showers, then manmade irritants fade into oblivion. I also hear clearer "yeses" when I write in my handwritten journal. I'm still connected to my source, miraculously! Thank the Goddess!

Saying No in a Yes-based universe

I think it was in the Abraham-Hicks books and tapes that I was first exposed to the notion of a "yes-based universe", and almost immediately it resonated. I mean, I tried to put myself in the shoes of the creator of the universe (whether male, female, or beyond gender), and couldn't imagine wanting my creations to experience the pain of conflict, rejection, put-downs, "no"s of any kind. It made sense that creation was a positive form of action, not a negative one. As I've segued into focusing more on the feminine face of the divine, I've continued to see Her creativity as an expression of values that are positive to me -- peace, love, beauty, harmony, power within the whole (rather than individual power over). 

Something quite thought-provoking and bittersweet hit me yesterday. It is the extent to which almost my whole life, I've been saying "no". As a woman who was probably aligned with Goddess values from early on, I've said, "no, no, no" all my life. I pushed back against being told I couldn't sing the music I loved. I pushed back against trying to fit into our economic system. I pushed back against modern American life and the values of expansion, bigger is better, personal ownership, consumerism and thoughtless disposal, and the promotion of violence. In subtle and not-so-subtle ways, I have pushed back against people, places, and institutions. I sometimes feel like my system has been saying "no, no, no" almost all day, every day. I don't think of myself as a protester, but I've been protesting nonstop! If I have a confession to make, it is that. Until recently, I have consistently defined myself more by what I am not than by who I am. Even upon my return to the part of the country I grew up in, "no" is still with me. While I feel slightly less discomfort here, I don't actively see myself in the landscape around me. A continuing subtle "no" -- is it a surprise that I've never really had a home? 

If there has been a point to my continuing with this blog, it's been about trying to articulate what I say "yes" to. (My "Goddess Words" are one example, building blocks of a bigger "yes.") Indeed, I am trying to get beyond the whole duality of yes versus no...to try to sense what it would be like to live a "yes"-based life without any reference at all to the "no"s. Saying "no", just by the energy of passionate attention, is saying "yes", metaphysically. This is a pivotal moment. I must place my fullest attention on my genuine "yes"...this step has to come before finding a home.

Perhaps this isn't just a personal lesson. Perhaps this is the overarching lesson of this era. The things we are fighting are getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and more monstrous. The only way to get beyond it all, to survive into the future, is to sow the seeds of "yes" and start to nurture them. "Yes" to peace, love, beauty, harmony, community. My promise to myself today is to find one thing, no matter how small or large, to say an unconditional and enthusiastic "yes" to!