I Won't Lie--A Ramble through Sunday

I won't lie. I had an extremely hard day yesterday. Extremely.  After three distressing days of wildfire smoke (discussing the levels of distress on this topic will have to wait for another day), it was actually beautiful out, sunny, windy, coolish. I was privileged enough to spend much of the day outside, reading and writing, savoring relative weather normalcy.

Still, I crashed emotionally. Really crashed. This so often happens after making a spiritual leap forward -- I feel honor bound to talk about this for the sake of other mystics experiencing the same thing. What was the major leap? Possibly my "Womb" essay last week. I stumbled on something very new, and expected an immediate backlash. But it seems to have taken a few days...combined with the smoke, the sense of truly going alone through the eye of the needle...

Because in the end, the aloneness was what slammed into me. Yes, I am safer than most people in my financial situation, and I was surrounded yesterday by trees, flowers, water, and a strong south wind. Nature was its own womb. But here is the dialogue I finally wrote down on my yellow legal (!) pad, word for word, just as my emotions tumbled out. "What the Sam Hill am I doing in Schenectady? I outgrew it 50 years ago! Where in the world are the people who think and act like me? All this moving around, and to this day my kindred spirits seem to be mostly online, and I don't even like going online! I'm not drawn to my former homes. I'm miserable about the situation in Duluth and the upper midwest, but I cannot help them and do not feel drawn to returning, even for a short visit. What draws me forward? Meeting like-minded wise Goddess spirits in person, only that high level of connection has yet to be made. Thinking about a likely upcoming move makes me feel lonely. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me any more...Oh, how I wish I had a companion on my journey!"

Interesting, huh? For seventy years, being alone has seemed inevitable, and yet in the midst of a serious dark night of the soul, the truth cracks something open. This isn't about an old paradigm marriage-house-children partnership, but a very specific kind of intense spiritual sharing and daily interaction. I'm proud of the fact that I used "feeling" words more than "thinking" ones in that writing, and that somehow in subsequent hours I avoided a complete meltdown by remembering curiosity: What would it be like to have a real life companion, completely on my wavelength? Is it possible that such a person is on the horizon? What would it feel like to meet them and communicate deeply? How would my soul -- and my body -- react?

Thankfully, this curiosity made it possible for me to loop out of depression and say "yes" to attending a bluegrass concert in Schenectady's Central Park. I actually like this music a lot, it brought me back to life, and there was great people watching. 

And in honor of being less left-brained (and not feeling the need to go back and re-write this post), I suddenly remember how Sunday started, which may have entered into things. I take a 10-12 minute walk about three times a day (it's on a very busy road, and for safety's sake I prefer a few short walks). I did the usual at about 7 AM, but when I turned back into the driveway, there was a remarkable sight ahead of me -- a huge hawk (becoming aware of my presence I guess) lifting up off the driveway, its four-foot wingspan circling up and out of sight. First of all, it was only the second hawk I've seen this summer at all, so to see it on the ground was remarkable. Secondly, there was a dead bunny rabbit on the driveway. Not a surprise, but I said a heartfelt blessing for it. Lastly, starting the day with hawk (messenger) eating rabbit (fear) was, itself, interesting. A large part of this whole black hole is fear, the fear of continuing into later old age still alone, my authentic self still feeling invisible. Perhaps my message was to pay attention to this, and to what may now be my biggest wish of all -- deep, meaningful connection with one other human being. To leave the "Liz path" and enter the "Liz and (someone) path". That's new! Hmm...

Orange Sky

Talk about things that weren't on my radar screen four days ago or so...orange sky. This morning as I speak, our upstate NY sky is actually relatively normal and blue, but I understand it won't be for long. Yesterday was all orange -- strange, creepy, yes, as everyone was saying, apocalyptic, yet nothing like in my beloved Duluth/Northern Minnesota. I don't dare even to text my friends there whose lives must be upside down. They need to focus their energies on the moment-to-moment where they are. Certain climate issues can be ignored or kicked forward, but this is not one of them, is it?

It is interesting that orange is the complementary color to blue...this may be relevant right now, just in the sense of things being turned "pear-shaped".

In the midst of it all, I seem to be having several strange new physical symptoms...they are minor enough to see in the light of metaphor and symbolism, but I suspect that just as Mother Earth is being turned inside out, we are too. For the moment, I am trying to immerse my body in the relatively new sensation of joy, when I can feel an iota of it!

Lastly, speaking of wombs, as I did the other day: what if each day is a womb? What is being nurtured and protected today for birth by tomorrow?? 

There is something exceptional and good in all this, as hard as it may be to believe. Take care, all, wherever you are.

 

Goddess Words 65: Womb

This word is newly added. It wasn't on my original Goddess list, interestingly enough. It has come up in several talks I have listened to recently, and having lived mostly like a nun all these years -- and never having conceived or carried a child -- that part of my body has been kind of a black hole. An empty space where nothing happens.

Interesting, too, that my old Concise Oxford Dictionary lists "womb" directly after "womanly". Not that they are connected -- it is just an accident of spelling -- but my mind makes the connection, as in, if you have never given birth, can you be "womanly"? (And do I fully resonate with that dated definition of "womanly" anyway?! Looking up words online doesn't give you this same opportunity to ponder neighboring words...)

What brought this on? I think, indirectly, it was the gratitude I have started to feel so intensively toward my body. Somehow, out of a great deal of numbness, I recognized that day-in and day-out, month-in and month-out, for nearly 30 years, my body patiently prepared for the possibility that I might become pregnant. (And while it was patient, it was not uncomplaining -- I used to have very painful periods!) I mean, how remarkable is that? Even if there were no other aspect of my physical existence to note with thankfulness, this one merits daily songs of praise for the rest of my life!

Then to move beyond my own womb and start to see all of the Earth -- heck, all of the Universe -- as the womb of the Goddess, my limited mind is boggled. It is as if all of creation, from the smallest life forms we know of all the way to the furthest edges of our galaxy and beyond, is taking place within Her womb, a place of unlimited conception (in all senses of the word!) Life is being sparked and held and nurtured and sent out to play its role for a life span, in so many forms and such infinite variety and speed, it is far, far beyond human understanding.

Clearly, this is an "inconceivable" Goddess word. Yet still another awesome related thought came to me. What if my 70 years of life were, themselves, a womb? A (reasonably) safe container in which to be fed nutritious food and experiences to get me ready to actually be born? I mean, I'm only now beginning to feel ready to go out into the world!

What if we've completely misunderstood the process? What if aging doesn't lead to inevitable decline, illness and "death"? What if it gets us ready for birth?

Thinking on Thursday

When you are nearing 1,160 posts, coming up with clever titles gets harder and harder. I don't know if there is ever a Thursday when I'm not thinking, but thank you, regular readers, for your forbearance!  Sometimes as I start to write, a better title comes to mind, and if that happens, I'll replace "Thinking on Thursday"!

A few days ago, I noted that the Universe seemed to be putting me through a reminder process, a review of my strongest gifts (and their value) so I won't possibly go into these all-important next few years carrying an outdatedly low opinion of myself. So far this process hasn't been surprising: no, "Hey, Liz, did you know you have the capacity for reading auric fields?" or "Hey, Liz, it's time to become a reiki practitioner!" More a synopsis or appreciation of who I've always been -- the difference being that now, these gifts and qualities feel far more solid, the core of me, not the fluff I'm desperately trying to sweep under the rug. Gone, too, is a longtime sense of irony and bittersweet regret over the fact that growing these spiritual gifts effectively impoverished me. I feel lighthearted, almost giddy, about the fact that this old paradigm with its heavy baggage is evaporating, and qualities like women's wisdom, love, beauty and unity are solidifying.

However, I am steeling myself for some kind of big "reveal" in the coming weeks. Whether it will be the impulse to take one of my current gifts much, much further, or a leading to pursue some brand new spiritual power, I don't know this morning. I know that it has not been possible in my current context to be the leader I really am, so I suspect it will be something to do with that, but on this hot summer's day, that's as far as I have come.

One more thing. I am trying to become far more deliberate about thanking my body for its power and persistence. When I think of the gifts it has given me for a full 70 years -- the list is almost endless -- it is truly humbling. Many people do not live to this age, or are limited by pain, inability to walk, see, hear, breathe, think clearly, or be independent. Somehow, underneath a rather modest exterior lies my astonishing physical body, which this morning was able to navigate a long flight of stairs down to the water, take a 15-minute swim, then climb upwards again. For the moment, my daily devotion isn't to the Goddess Herself, it's to my bodily manifestation of Her. If I do nothing else in this lifetime, I hope I will be appreciative every day of this gift above all other gifts. We cannot experience life on Earth without our bodies -- yet, anyway!

That's my thinking on this Thursday...

Reminders

This continues to be a super powerful time, which I probably don't have to tell any of you.

For the last week (and I suspect the process will continue a little longer), Spirit seems to have been giving me gentle reminders of how important my gifts are -- spiritual, artistic, musical, and in creative expression of all kinds, even here. To whatever extent I have allowed myself to believe the world's opinion of my worthlessness, I guess the message now is, no, these gifts are your superpowers, and if there is even the slightest remaining iota of discomfort, disavowal, or disapproval within, it is time to address it now. Now. The world needs these gifts more than ever, in the transition to the new paradigm. 

For the most part, this has taken the form of some channelling in my personal journal, but also some of this work is happening outside, listening to the birds (and even talking with them!) Because, hey, yes, communing with nature is one of the gifts! 

We have been rather oversaturated with rain, but nowhere near as much as further south of here, and once again, I'm reminded that, no matter how extensive the past and present human catalysts to these climate events, we humans cannot ultimately control the details of where, how, and how bad they will be. Nature will bring Herself into balance as She needs to. Over the coming weeks, embracing the reality of that may be just as important as embracing the personal gifts that need to stay visible and viable at this time. 

It is time to listen to spiritual reminders -- on all levels, in all arenas. It is time to keep our ears, our minds, and our hearts open!

Tree Magic

 

Two days ago, we had quite a thunderstorm, after which I went outside and watched and listened as nature got back up and running again. The trees were still "raining", and the birds were slowly starting to make a racket. The quality of the light was very ambiguous, and at a moment when the sun broke through the clouds, I snapped this photograph on my phone, which, I'm sure I've mentioned, is an at least five-year-old flip phone. I don't know how I got these effects of light in the trees, this brilliance. It was the same day that I wrote about brilliance, as it turns out!!! It is possible that there was a little water or greasiness on the lens. And I did utilize some very basic editing -- the image is cropped, and I used a color filter to make the leaves somewhat less bright green. 

Whatever the case, I'm thrilled by this picture, because it communicates what I realize more and more, which is that the trees around us are not only sentient, but actively wise, speaking amongst themselves and with us on all manner of topics. Indeed, this has probably always been the case not only with trees but all manner of flora and fauna, rocks, water, mosses, and the air itself. All of life. I'm not yet in a position to really communicate back (no long conversations!), but perhaps this picture is a start. Like, "I see your magic, and your beauty below the surface. I honor it, and honor the same within myself. May we start to communicate more and more."

Goddess Words 64: Brilliance

It seems fitting to end the month, under a full moon, with another Goddess word: Brilliance. 

Intense lightness, color, brightness. A high level of skill and intelligence. And, in the world of gems, the quality of reflectivity and sparkle.  My favorite definitions? Radiance, splendor, magnificence.

It is a hot day, due to get much hotter, so I may not have the energy to but scratch the sparkling surface of this word. I'm actually rather shocked that it took me this long to talk about "brilliance", but I guess this reflects how long it has taken to recognize the quality within myself. When I added this to my list back in the 2000's, I was looking outward, thinking more along the lines that the Goddess is brilliant -- bright, beautiful, reflective of all the light in all galaxies, the epitome of all beauty, creativity and clarity.

Were these qualities that I was expected to reflect in life? Basically, I'd say no. (This was probably true of most girls in the 1950's and 60's.) The only exception, arguably, was in the academic world. Because I was gifted intellectually, I was expected to get good grades, at least through college. But due to the expectations of the era and the strange patchwork of my other early influences, family, family friends, teachers -- all would have been horrified at the thought of a little girl from Schenectady heading out into the world and really being absolutely brilliant. Radiant, splendid, sparkling, visible and audible, "out there". Magnificent. And as we bright beings moved out into the world, there were very few traditional institutions that wanted to attract or foster genuine brilliance. Too many of us, no matter what our backgrounds, have had to hide our proverbial lights "under a bushel" just to limp along and survive.

I think it's a hallmark of this time that more and more people worldwide are aligning with their true inner brilliance and unique auras, which is bringing up Earth's own sparkling quality. The bright luminosity of all beings in creation is expanding too. To the right eyes, from space, what is visible isn't city lights, it is brilliance lights.