Another Big Aha

Well, they are coming thick and fast right now. Today may not be the right day for this, but I must do my best to bear regular witness to my experience of this path...

I was on a city bus yesterday to go to a smaller local city. A man got on, with seemingly everything he owned bagged up in a baby carriage. This kind of thing happens almost every time I take the bus, and sometimes it doesn't faze me. But sometimes it takes me to a very dark place indeed. It's like my own private "event horizon". For ten years or more, I've been circling the edge of a strong eddy, trying desperately to avoid being sucked in and disappearing completely. It's on the bus that I sometimes swirl closest to the void, which was what was happening in real time.

I'm at a place in my spiritual development where I literally cannot stand negative feelings for very long, so I gave myself a good inner talking-to. What was going on here? The very first layer to emerge was old-fashioned, unpleasant snobbery. My upbringing and education should have sent me in a different direction. What was I doing with "these people"? (Goddess, forgive me.) I felt, what?, distaste. Superiority. (Not hatred, I don't think.) Ugh...complex, old, extremely yucky emotions. It was painful to realize that despite this long personal spiritual journey, it wasn't yet natural to feel immediate compassion, solidarity, or love towards this fellow human being.

Suddenly, in a literal "aha", I remembered that in this duality construct, there are only two things, love and fear. And so no matter how this event manifested initially, deep down what I was feeling was fear, pure and simple. Not anger that no one should be forced to live that way, but the narcissistic fear that this man's plight might represent my future. 

Over the course of the bus ride, every possible related issue surfaced. Riding through a suburban/exurban wasteland, and looking out, I realized I was still feeling distaste. Nothing about the endless rollout of car dealerships, fast food places, hair salons, doughnut shops, and dying farms-about-to-be-razed appeared beautiful in my eyes, nor the small green lawns and parked RV's and boats. Middle class America is as psychically hard for me as the world of extreme poverty. And yet at my destination, I encountered any number of very well-off and "successful" people and was reminded that I don't belong with them either. I don't find their world particularly beautiful. I fear them, yet perhaps in a very different way than some of the folks on the bus. 

It was overwhelming to realize that, if I love so few aspects of this variegated manmade scene, then I must fear it. What is that all about? After all this enlightenment work, I am still torn with duality -- loving a small sliver of beautiful, mystical, and natural experiences and people, and profoundly uncomfortable with all the rest. How can I consider myself even remotely spiritual?

So it was a freaky day and, as it turned out, a violent one. For over an hour, there was a torrential rainstorm with extremely strong winds. Running around on errands, feeling quite dazed, I couldn't help but get soaking wet, despite sheltering for a while at the library. I was grateful to know that at least I would have a place to really dry off later in the day.

Shortly after getting on the return bus, it stopped at a corner, and who got on but the same man from the morning?! Still with his overflowing carriage. His situation hadn't changed in four or five hours. Had mine? The pendulum hadn't swung from fear to love that quickly. I didn't yet feel warmth or compassion. But I found myself in a softer place of "appreciation" -- he has found a way to just barely survive a system whose currency is money, not love. Ditto the people who build tacky one-story coffee shops, and potential customers for swank apartment buildings starting to be put up. We are all trying to survive. 

I haven't lost my personal fear of slipping over the event horizon. But by the end of the day, I was able to see the whole thing from a larger perspective. We are entering a new age where money will no longer dictate our station in life, where we will all love one another. We will outgrow the duality hell of judging each other's success or failure -- much less (on this Juneteenth) anything else about who we are. We will understand that we are all, literally, one. (Today, I feel quite ashamed of the snobbery that has beset me on and off over the years, but I think yesterday's "aha" served as a pin in the balloon, a bucket of water on the wicked witch.) Aha.

Quite a Day

From what I understand, this is quite a day, astrologically, for the energies of the divine feminine. To honor this, I am basically doing things that come naturally to me -- writing, laundry, clean-up chores, cooking...yesterday I transplanted some plants into bigger pots, and they literally doubled in size overnight! I get the feeling of being squeezed out when you don't have enough room...I couldn't stand to look at their constrained state one more minute. It's a joyous feeling to see them so immediately leaving "surviving" mode and heading into "thriving" mode.

In an interesting addendum to my last post, where I mentioned feeling so much love for animals, birds and trees (but not yet to insects!), yesterday I swear I saw at least five insects that I have never seen before in my life, or at least have no memory of seeing before. I mean, it is almost as if they sought me out, wandered into my orbit, either on foot or through the air. It was a little hard to say, "hi sweetheart" to them, but in the end, not impossible...at the very least, I was more aware of their essential beingness than I generally have been with bugs of any kind. It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds.

I've started a magic list for today, just to note anything absolutely wonderful or magical that I experience. I started with, "I am still alive", and added, "my plants doubled in size." I figure if nothing else happens, that about covers it all!

More Love

On this new moon week, and after days of definite wobbling (emotionally and energetically), I am committed to focusing on love, joy, and magic. By magic, I don't necessarily mean wave-a-wand magic (as fun as that might be!), but more, seeing and appreciating the extraordinary in nature and in life. There was a sunset about three nights ago that was about a twelve on a scale of 1-to-10...absolutely as if from another world. Magic.

I've touched on this once or twice before, but something became very clear to me this past weekend. I have started to think of birds and animals as my beloveds. When one crosses my path (on land or in the air) I often cannot help speaking aloud to it, calling it my "sweetheart". Some of them stick around for a few seconds afterwards, and some skitter or fly off as fast as can be. I knew I was capable of slightly more-than-ordinary depth of communication with people's pets and horses, but feeling almost the same about multiple wild chipmunks, squirrels, robins, wrens and raptors is a leap into what these days people seem to be calling "another timeline". And I'm feeling almost the same about trees. So far, not quite there with flowers, vegetables, weeds, grass, or insects such as mosquitos (the latter would be quite extraordinary, right?!) But for solitary old me, it is a new experience to feel waves of love going outward and, at least in some cases, being received and reciprocated. I can almost hear the word "sweetheart" coming back in my direction, on the wind.

There are only a handful of TV shows that I'm watching at the moment, one of which is "Astrid" on PBS. I am not entirely sure why the main character touches me so much, but she does. (My particular sensitivity is very different, but I resonate with her.) And I'll leave to others debates about its presentation of neurodivergence...but in a recent episode, there was an act of love that almost literally blew me away. A young man, knowing that Astrid loves the music of Bach but cannot tolerate attending crowded concert halls, arranges for the two of them to listen (alone) to a top violinist rehearse. Astrid has never heard music played live, and it is monumental for her. Putting aside the context of a budding romance, what was almost inconceivable to me was imagining someone, anyone, loving someone so much that they would find such a perfect, pierce-you-to-the-core, life-changing gift. It is astonishing that a person could see their beloved so clearly, and leap over so many hurdles, to make the perfect gift happen. Yes, it caused a big wobble, a big moment of feeling sorry for myself that I haven't experienced such love, a brief trip into the Void. But once I righted myself, I realized, this is my new bar. Finding the place inside where I can imagine not only being given a gift of this personal importance and magnitude, but also imagining giving such a gift in return -- not something I need or want, but what they need or want. 

Around the time of the new moon last night, we had a doozy of a thunderstorm, and today has dawned blissfully cool and almost fall-like. After a week of intense heat, it is -- yup -- almost magical...

Olio

Well, it is that kind of day. Very hot and humid. Due to get well into the 90's. I don't know what to write about, except I feel a responsibility to be a balancing energy. In the end, though, I think there may be enough calming, loving energy in enough hearts to provide that balance. It seems fairly old paradigm to feel the necessity to actually write.

So last evening, I saw two woodchucks chasing a bunny rabbit. I spoke about rabbits and fear the other week, and I suspect that this poor rabbit was super scared. The trio disappeared into the underbrush and I didn't hear any sounds that might have indicated that the chase was successful, but I may never know. It was a reminder, if one that was needed, that Nature is far from a peaceful place. And as extreme movements of the landscape become more common -- earthquakes, floods, fires, volcanos, tsunamis --  many of us may feel like the scurrying rabbit at times. Earth herself is undergoing such radical transformation, and is throwing off so many of Her own old restrictions, that we must expect the unexpected. However, violence in Nature may stem from the necessity for change, or fear or a survival instinct, but unlike human violence, it is never about hatred.

I've tried not to let all that hatred get to me, but it begins to seep in, doesn't it? I don't believe in trying to protect oneself -- it's just a case of trying to hold a strong, positive energy. This last week, I've been quite "wobbly". I think it is in part because of having come closer and closer to fully embracing my full wealth of gifts -- looking out at the world becomes increasingly surreal and painful. It is a literal wobble, an up-down wave between energy levels that I finally feel, after a lifetime of trying not to. In the past, I was more apt to try to match my energy to the world's, as unsuccessful as that effort was. Now I don't try!

Unlike last year, I have recently seen very few eagles or hawks, and I feel a bit bereft about it. From what I've read, it isn't an actual decline in population, just some seasonal ups and downs, but I long to see them. Perhaps today, I will experience that gift! Hang in there folks. Have a good weekend!

Goddess Words 63: Gifts

Back in February of last year, I presented one of my other Goddess words, "Gifting". I made the decision this morning not to go back and read that post, so there could well be a little overlap with that essay, or others such as my previous Goddess Word, "Money". But I thought it was best to come to this with as much of an open mind as possible on this very hot June morning.

Gifts. As usual, an enormous word, both a noun and a verb.  I assume that when I added it to the list, what I had in mind was the gifts of the Goddess to us, to all of life. Because all of life is a gift. The fact of being alive is a gift. The fact that we breathe is a gift. The fact that we have access to Mother Earth's natural resources is a gift. The ability of Earth to sustain life is a gift. And although it may not always feel this way, each and every event in our life is a gift, a learning gift, an abundance gift, an opportunity for growth. 

From that standpoint if from no other, I've always found our economic system to be strange. To do anything in life from any other place than "gifting" seems strange to me. I've never understood the exchange of money, but of course that is evident in my. life! I suspect that by some point in the future, gifting will be the norm, but of course it isn't yet.

I don't do the following often enough in my personal journal -- but I'll do it right here as an example of embracing the gifts coming our way in life. Today, I am thankful for many gifts, and I'll list a few of them here. There's been a recent development that may give me more living stability going forward, so I'm very thankful for this. The other day, I was feeling extremely lonely, which is unusual for me. But I just could not think of one person exactly on my wavelength to connect with. I went outside, and realized that the trees surrounding me felt friendly! I could almost feel their blessings and gifts (including shade) coming my way. I am thankful for online access to many wise and beautiful people who are exploring this new age we are entering. I am thankful for the cornucopia of flowers and vegetables blooming right now, and how healthily some of us are in a position to eat on a day-to-day basis. 

Despite what I said above, I am thankful for many beautiful friends, and the people who have entered my life at just the right moment (sometimes to leave again soon after!) I am thankful for a long life of adventures and travel, singing and art. I am thankful for this blog and the regular opportunity to write. I am thankful for the gifts and talents that have enriched my life. I am thankful for animals, the chipmunks on the driveway and the hummingbird at the flowerpot. 

All of these are gifts, the kinds of gifts that may come to us almost every minute of every day. The Goddess doesn't ask us to place money in the hat. She doesn't want to know if we are worthy -- every being is worthy simply by virtue of being alive. And similarly, we can choose to gift others in a host of situations without expecting payment in return, without expecting the recipient to be "worthy". In other words, we can choose to act like the Goddess -- if we wish.

There are many things happening out there which superficially don't seem like "gifts". But they are gifts, teaching moments, learning prompts. If nothing else, we are being reminded of what we don't want, and sometimes that is a gift!

I know many people who are uncomfortable either giving or receiving gifts...at the moment, perhaps seeing our entire life from a gifting perspective might be hard for some of us. Maybe today, focusing on one gift will be enough. The blue sky above me is a gift. It is a beautiful color. Thank you, Goddess.

A different perspective

Today, I know I am circling around some of the ground I've been on recently, but from a different perspective. I remember, literally half-a-lifetime ago (35 years) sitting on a mattress on the floor of my new apartment in Duluth. I could see Lake Superior out the window, and was trying to make sense of an enormous change in my life. I had left New York City, and decided that I couldn't return to England since the men-and-boys' choir tradition still appeared to be in full force. (Unbeknownst to me, at about that very moment, Salisbury Cathedral was in the process of creating the first girls' cathedral choir in England! It is remotely possible that had I known about this and headed to Salisbury to become involved in this venture, everything might have turned out differently. My University of London MMus might have provided an entree...I'll never know!) 

Through a long, circuitous car journey, I had chosen Duluth for an experience of becoming more American, more directly spiritual, and perhaps more grounded. I had already been journaling in a conversational way, perhaps one might say "channelling", drawing on inner wisdom in trying to make decisions. But that particular morning, I must have accessed a huge well of pain and frustration about having significant gifts in a variety of areas -- particularly writing, art and music. I remember bursting into tears and sobbing almost uncontrollably, railing at God about why he hadn't just given me only one of these gifts. I mean, if I had just been one thing, I could easily have focused and not been drawn away by other talents. (My life had already been like a three-way tennis match, art-music-writing-music-art-music-writing...etc.) I had left the one iota of security I had ever experienced, in the corporate world, and here I was out in the wilderness, hoping to use these gifts in some meaningful way, and yet knowing in my heart of hearts that I didn't have the singleness of purpose in any one of these areas to create a career or substantial income. To put it mildly, I was scared to death. And in the subsequent half-a-lifetime, the tennis match has continued. Even now, having focused more exclusively on writing this blog and largely having given up any lingering hopes of fashioning a life devoted to cathedral music or painting, those two talent areas remain live wires, I guess you could say. No matter how often I visualize them flying off into the wake of my boat (!) I find they are still in my heart. They are still at my core.

This past weekend, thanks to some material I listened to online, it finally, finally hit me. These gifts are not (and never were) separate entities. They have been ways of accessing the beauty, harmony, love, and wisdom of the Goddess...separate "paths", perhaps, but one destination that arguably I "reached" early in life and was trying to express. The "gift" isn't being a writer or painter or singer or organist, it is having the capacity to access a high level of spiritual beauty. The gift is having the capacity to easily align with the Aquarian values that are now emerging in our world. (Since I am an Aquarian, I guess it makes sense, right?) Truly, I don't think that I fully understood this until this very moment. 

I don't know quite what to do with this different perspective except to let it settle in and take hold. It helps me understand why this lifetime has been what it has been, but what that will mean for my life moving forward in any practical sense, I don't know. I'll just have to let the insights keep surfacing.

Too much

Nothing is coming as a huge surprise to me right now, even the fact that just about every single external aspect of life seems to be "too much". I mean, after the deep dive inwards a week ago, and then a somewhat quieter, more still, receptive week this week, it seems like absolutely every bit of the world's chatter is too loud, whether it is in the news or in the artistic, musical, or spiritual online venues that I usually find more appealing, more aligned with who I am. Perhaps this is par for the course for a mystic, the moment where everybody else's model falls away, and you are left simply with you. Not politics, not religion, not outer structures, not even potential future structures or models. Just exactly who you are personally, right now, right this minute. All else is entirely too much information. 

I am, however, thankful for a recent guided visualization that helped me to access an image of me at a table writing (longhand!), surrounded by a circle of loving human beings who can't wait to read what I have to say!!! I do long for a slightly less solitary writing experience, and yet I wish to keep writing, in fact, to write more than I do now. I have never run out of things to say! It is the one area of my life where I don't experience "too much"! So how and when I will find a way of being in that sort of community, perhaps only the Goddess knows. The image made me happy. It made me glow with joy. So that is a good thing.

A hot day on the horizon. Stay cool, folks, if you can!