PS...

A number of times over the years, it has been strange to realize that something I have written about in the morning has taken on extra meaning in the news later in the day (I generally write early, often before having heard or seen any news). Yeah, those times when I have referred to a metaphorical tsunami, and there has been a tsunami somewhere in the news, or an earthquake, and there has been an earthquake somewhere in the world. That kind of thing. Recent news was one of the reasons I had changed from "speedboat" to "motorboat" in the metaphor referred to in the last few blog posts, but still, the fact that such boats also figured in another world arena yesterday was a bit weird.

Still, I think it is really important that we don't allow our joy to be snatched away, by anyone! If the image inspiring me at the moment involves me in an old-fashioned motorboat wailing down Lake Champlain, joyfully feeling the sun in my face and the wind and water in my hair, I do not have to go down the rabbit hole of projecting fear onto the imagery. I don't need to find another metaphor. I don't need to resist or react in any way. This week, if I can access joy in any way, shape, or form that hurts no one else, I need to do that. It may be that a different metaphor will begin to speak to me in upcoming weeks, and if that happens, you know you will hear about it! (Smile!)

The Motorboat

I wanted to follow through on what I brought up last time...and my continued amusement at the fact that the metaphor of the motorboat is continuing to resonate, rather than, say, a galloping horse. This is the year of the fire horse, after all!  And most of my life, I have opted for non-motorized sailboating or rowing or kayaking. But for some reason, I can picture myself in an old-fashioned '60's-'70's era motorboat more than on a horse, although I've only experienced either of them a handful of times. (I have reverted to "motorboat" rather than "speedboat" "just because"...I think it is the kind of motion on the kind of lake that I'm used to -- straight north or south on Lake Champlain, for instance -- and it works best as my metaphor.)

So here's the thing. I'm out on the water on a sunny summer day, and someone else is driving the boat. I'm like this queen -- all I have had to do is step on the boat with what little remains of my belongings, and all my experiences and passions closest to my heart, and once the boat starts, I sit near the front with the wind whipping through my hair and droplets of water splashing on my face, and feel the exhilaration of moving fast, without, myself, having to move. This is not a case of leaving my destination in someone else's hands -- perhaps the driver is my higher self. But it is a case of, I don't personally need to make any of the small decisions, or steer the boat physically. In this present moment where life is moving with unprecedented rapidity, I'm finally in a vehicle that matches the speed of change. The v-shaped wake is disappearing behind me, and for the first time ever, I feel just about no sense of sadness or fear or nostalgia. I'm being taken where I need to go to unpack my few belongings and really, really shine. If it ends up being somewhere that I really didn't expect, I'll just get out of the boat and do my best to catch up with myself, as I always have!

The only illustration I could find that fully resonates with this feeling (because I think "feeling" is all, right at the moment) is an old oracle card of a woman riding a unicorn, her arms flown back like wings, and her face ecstatic in the sun. I guess that's the image I see of me in the boat -- in an embodiment of joy. The moments when I can feel this as lived reality are in the middle of the night. Perhaps those early hours are when I feel most "me", flying through the universal waters, under the stars. Sometimes it is terrifying, but when it isn't, it is exhilarating.

We all have different inner eyes and different metaphors, but find one where you can see yourself through the eyes of joy and excitement and bliss. Maybe on a rollercoaster, or paragliding, or on a train. This may seem like the hardest moment in history to do this, but more than one person has said recently that joy is perhaps the only response to what's happening! The only way to model and embody the new paradigm. The only way to be what so many things are not.

Well here we are

Well, here we are. We have made it beyond my 70th birthday, and the February 20 date that loomed so large on the astrological horizon. Saturn was conjunct Neptune at 0 degrees Aries....which I really don't understand, except that it was apparently the first time this has happened in 6,000 years. Saturn refers to boundaries, structures, containers, limitations (etc.) while Neptune is, in a way, the opposite -- eternity, expansiveness, the mystic, the deep. And all this at an important beginning point or portal. For months I had taken note of this date, and read and listened to a number of analyses of what it all might mean, trying to find a balance between reading too much into it and not enough. And also trying to notice whether this might affect all of us more on a personal level, or whether this "new start" and new point of balance would also have meaning out in the world.

As ever, I'll leave most of the analysis of world events to the zillions of other people engaged in such analysis. And I know astrologers were warning against assuming that major changes would happen in one's individual life overnight -- that this is like an ignition point. But I need to report that I feel a major shift in me literally over the last two to three days. As you know, it comes on the heels of a number of weeks of renewed "lightening of my physical load" of belongings (as few as they are). And then, a feeling of having entered a strange void where many of my old activities feel boring or unengaging. As of last week, I still felt fairly clear about the passions closest to my heart, and I could feel the general Love energy clearly right there at "dead center". I was proud of finally having fully embraced them, and allowed myself (within myself) to be fully who I am.

Yet yesterday was a very unnerving day, and it felt as if even those few certainties were swimming away behind me, like the wake behind a speedboat. This wasn't like how earlier in my life, I tried to stop liking certain things or being a certain kind of person. I kept trying to find a Plan B. It is more a case of, having fully accepted all the facets of who I have been (in this lifetime and, I'm sure, many, many, before it), I have hopped onto a speedboat (hmm...representing Saturn?) carrying it all with me, and am racing through Neptune's waters at the warp speed of these times, and am going through some kind of sound barrier into -- literally -- uncharted waters. The world that we see in front of us had already started to feel like "history", but today, I see the boat's wake receding into the distance.

This is an imperfect metaphor. I doubt the Goddess would set foot in a "motorboat" under any circumstances. But I have to use the imagery that comes to mind, this woman who has so often lived near big waters. This morning, unlike coastal Mid-Atlantic and New England areas, we in the Capital District were spared most of the snow. Many of you may have a lot of basics on your mind. But if by any chance, you, too, are feeling abnormally "surreal", I guess I wanted to reach out and say, I am too. Here we are. Uncharted waters.

Goddess Words 58: Pierced to the Core

The last sentence or two of my most recent post ("The Lull") reminded me that my Goddess list includes the words, "Pierced to the Core," so this appears to be the day to address this concept. It's interesting, I really haven't read too much written material about (or by) early saints and mystics. I just know from what little I have read that female saints, particularly, reached intense points of ecstasy, and experienced stigmata and other physical woundings in their contemplation of God. These haven't been my experiences -- moments of happiness, joy, even bliss, perhaps, but no ecstasy or physical signs (yet!) 

So it is notable that two decades ago, I would have included "pierced to the core" in my list of Goddess words. And why did I speak the other day of waiting for an arrow of Love to pierce my heart? I mean, being such a nonviolent person, these are both rather strange, painful concepts to attribute to the Goddess, and in writing today, perhaps I'm trying to do some reframing.

I think what is going on is an attempt to describe, in metaphor, the clear, powerful, beautiful energy of the Divine (Feminine), and how -- perhaps -- all lesser energies are easily swept aside by it. Maybe a better metaphor might be of a warm butter knife cutting through butter -- yet still, a knife is potentially dangerous! Hmm...this is so interesting and frustrating. Our world of duality seems to express everything in terms of violence, darn it. In recent visualizations, I have heard guides referring to beams of light cutting through to the heart, and ditto with angelic energies. (When these energies are purportedly a figure traditionally thought of as male, I confess I find the whole thing rather uncomfortable and creepy!) In the end, perhaps all of us are simply trying to find some way to express what happens at that moment when all of our defenses, shrouds, onion layers, and excuses are no match for the Love power of the Divine. A pathway opens to the heart, and Love spills over and out.

I'm reminded, too, that this imagery conforms to the old paradigm model that divinity is something up there, out there, outside of us, separate from us. That to connect with this energy requires outside intervention of some sort...either we have to reach out (in prayer, meditation, or whatever), or the Divine figure needs to reach (or bore their way) in. In a metaphor consistent with the truly contrasting vision of the Divine Feminine, our core is "piercing" outward, the pathway is from the heart not towards it; the energy is working completely in the opposite direction. We are simply unblocking the Love channels already deep within us.

So to revise what I said last time, if I am waiting for anything, perhaps it isn't for an arrow of love to pierce through me to the heart, but rather for the amount of Love in my heart to spill over to the point where it has no choice but to spurt out into the world in a new way. 

Being a New Age nun requires doing a lot of "re-visioning", doesn't it?!

The Lull

It's not surprising to me that this week is supposed to be one of the most powerful ones ever, according to astrologers. That it is happening right on the other side of my 70th birthday is also not surprising. 

Here is how it is manifesting for me. It's like a complete lull, more empty than any other I remember experiencing. I have thrown away or recycled so much stuff (I found another small "mother lode" the other day that was emotional to go through) and this coming weekend, I'm emptying all the rest of the boxes (only about six now) and making sure things are actually organized within them. I struggled to find something to write about today...that has never been a problem!  My usual books don't thrill me, and I cannot get excited over crosswords or other word puzzles. I watched "Jeopardy" the other day for the first time in months, and it was so based on "old paradigm" facts that I couldn't bear it. As for everything in the news, it, too, feels like "history" -- it's over. And even the peeps I've been listening to online for thoughts about where we are headed aren't giving me much information that I don't already know. I guess I am as prepared for what is to come as I'll ever be...

The challenge going through one of these lulls, especially at a time like this, is really, really believing that one's true destiny is on the other side. We humans want to fit into an existing pattern, don't we? We want to know what the pattern is, or is going to be, and at least try to conform to it, but in this case, I think the changes are of such a magnitude that we cannot visualize, or plan, or make lists, or any of the classic left brain things we have been taught. We cannot use our life up until now to imagine the future. That's the whole point. This shift is monumental, and right-brained. The pattern will flow out from within us. What may help is aligning with feelings, or very basic inner centering, and Love. I still know what I love -- the real center of the bull's eye -- so all I can do is be in that bull's eye and be pierced by Love and immersed in it. I think this lull is about waiting for the arrow to come my way...at least, today, that's the only way I can describe it! Perhaps I sound like one of those medieval nuns, and if so, it makes this New Age nun smile!

Goddess Words 57: Worshipped (off the list)

Well, this is a first. I'm presenting a word that I originally put on the list, but have just crossed off it! 

Twenty years ago or so, as I began to more fully embrace the power and values of the Divine Feminine, it was natural to try to define things as a mirror image to the religious construct of my upbringing. Instead of worshipping a traditional notion of God, I would worship the deity's feminine face. Never mind that I was never drawn to any rituals in that regard, somehow I thought She would want, or expect, "worship" in some new permutation. Eventually, I might find a way to honor Her in some regular way.

And yet, as of now, this hasn't happened. I've sung songs like "We all come from the Goddess" in song circles. Years ago, I used to join a few women on solstice and equinox. As you know, I occasionally draw an oracle or Tarot card (although even this has become rather infrequent). But overall, I don't feel called to worship the Goddess, per se. Odd from a woman whose other passion is the music of choral evensong!

I think part of it is, if I were the Goddess at this moment in history, I wouldn't want humans taking the time to worship me! This is such a major energy shift, such a sudden movement upward, that people need every ounce of energy to evolve and grow in more love, for each other, for all beings, for the earth, and (yes) for Her. I think we are called to love Her, to respect Her, to honor Her, and even to sing Her praises. But does She expect regular "services" or prayers or rituals? Maybe a few generations down the road when the Aquarian age is more fully established...although even then, I don't think She will want us to engage in the kind of energetic imbalance that "worship" usually represents. And my hunch is that She would feel more comfortable with spontaneity than rigid protocol. Perhaps the best events in the future (and even now, when we can squeeze them in) will be "celebrations". Celebrations of the truth, of love, of beauty, and of Her values. Personally aligning with these values day-to-day going forward is "worship", in a higher, freer, form.

Threescore Years and Ten

For days, I've been trying to articulate what it means to reach 70, what it feels like to reach 70, and other related thoughts. The drafting process has been much harder than I expected. On the one hand, if the span of a life was "threescore years and ten" back in biblical days (Psalm 90), then reaching this milestone in our era should theoretically be "easy-peasy". If 70 is the new 50 (or 40, or whatever), then this should only be a minor blip. And yet...and yet...so many people never make it this far, for a host of reasons, both natural and unnatural. One of my own brothers only lived to 55. Having lived such an uncertain, change-dotted, and unconventional life, I am still amazed that I am here.

It is strange...the last few weeks I have been fearful that something would happen to prevent me from reaching this watershed. This negativity is very unlike me...but I became fixated on the thought that I didn't wish to die in my sixties. So a wave of relief has washed over me this morning. Somehow, despite a whole lot of odds, I have made it this far. It is an immense privilege. I even feel little peeks (and peaks) of joy.

Twenty years ago this summer, I hosted a large 50th birthday party event -- for myself. Having never married or had children, it was the equivalent of a wedding, baby shower, and big birthday bash rolled into one. I lived in a small town, so there were dozens of local people, plus some dear friends from further afield. My dad even came across country for it. It was a Big Deal, and I am proud of having had the nerve to go through with it! And yet my recent review of old photos makes me aware of having been quite a different person back then. I was still uneasy with my true passions (although a friend did make a Goddess-themed cake!), and it was a moment when I still hoped to "make it", somehow, in a more conventional sense. It was fun being the center of attention, but did anyone really understand who I was at my core, even me?!

The energy of today is really, really different. The image I am getting is of a low bar, like a limbo game at a party. I just want to sneak under the bar and get to the other side in one piece, with maybe a low-key lunch out with friends or a big piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. No singing, no presents, no big deal. 

In an unrelated aside, I need to say this. I truly, truly do not understand the cruelty we are all seeing right now. I mean, completely do not understand or resonate with it at all. It is horrifying and sickening. Even the slightest iota of pain to any living thing is hard to bear. Yesterday, when I took a shower, I suddenly realized that a large daddy longlegs was struggling near the drain. I am so nearsighted, by the time I tried to "help" him, my efforts basically sealed the deal. He (and some of my hair) had to go into the trash. I was nearly in tears...to inadvertently kill anything so close to my birthday almost did me in. 

I try to remind myself that, ultimately, "there is no death in the divine mind" -- for me, for you, for your pets, for any being. Life is eternal. Before "birth" and after "death" we are eternally part of the great stream of life and love passion surging through the universe. As I move through a quiet anniversary, here is my intention for upcoming weeks and months: "This is the chapter of the story where I soar on love's winds -- and love's wings! May this quiet portal bring me to my most powerful 'place', where I am more help to people, the earth, and the Goddess than I have ever been."