Strength

The roller coaster continues. After a hard day or two, two days ago, I managed to pull myself up into a place of curiosity, which was indeed a step up. But by Friday, I woke up almost incapable of functioning. What seemed to have triggered it, amidst uncertainty on the horizon, was the notion of safety. I don't think I ever felt safe in my childhood home, but I learned to so thoroughly internalize fear, that subsequent ways that my path (and the world outside it) has felt unsafe have been similarly swept under the rug. Suddenly, whether I end up in a stately home or on the street, I felt overwhelmed by fears for my safety. The fact that I have done everything "wrong" by old paradigm standards doesn't help. It feels as if this is the moment when I could pay the price, and be swallowed up in a black hole of material neediness, never to be seen again.

I sometimes talk about having cried, but last night, I really, really cried. Pathetic, gurgling, childish cries. I have no memories of ever being held by my mother (although she must have held me when I was a "babe in arms"), but that's what I wanted -- a mother's arms to hold me and tell me it is all going to be all right. The resident kitty cat came in and looked at me with concern and tenderness, and truly, that was a lifesaver. 

In the midst of all this emotion, and a certain amount of numbness, my brain, as ever, kept working. I thought about the fact that this transition will be different from all the others of the last two or three decades for one simple reason. Other moves were ways of pulling together the learning experiences I needed to become more aligned with the Goddess. I was still the student, running from school to school to gain knowledge. Now, though, the energy has shifted. I guess I've "graduated" (!) and am ready to become, myself, the teacher. I'm so thankful for all my temporary homes of these last thirty years, and the dear friends and acquaintances who provided them. (My last post may not have been entirely clear on that point!) But I understand that there is some level on which I've become too powerful to simply look for housing. While I may not yet draw to me all the help I've been talking about, at least I need to be very honest with people about the journey I've been on, and where it has brought me. I'm bigger than I ever was. I take up more space. I have more that I want to say.

So, this morning, still shaky as heck, I set this intention: to start to feel the passion that will propel me forward in the right direction. On this new floor of the building, the old passions (choral evensong, music of Howells, etc., per se) just aren't vibrating quite the same way, and I haven't been feeling much passion of any kind. When I picked a card from the Motherpeace deck, it was: "Strength". I laughed a little ironically, feeling anything but strong. But this deck's image of a priestess surrounded by animal helpers, under a full moon, started to bring me back into alignment. Vicki Noble speaks in the book about this card representing "matriarchal consciousness", and concludes saying that the Goddess is embracing us. This little girl from Schenectady who barely knows what it is to be held, or (having not had children) to hold, needs to somehow trust that I am being "held" on the spirit plane, that the full moon will bring light to a path that still seems invisible, and that helpers of all kinds will smooth the way forward towards my new teaching role. 

I'm Curious

I guess it is safe to say that the topic of this blog has always been "my path", with all its twists and turns. But I feel a bit of urgency in a slightly more focused aim now. Since roughly my birthday, I have been in a phase of my life that I can only describe as being somewhat like getting in an elevator and rising up at least two floors -- spiritually. It's complete (I almost literally cannot see the previous floors of the building!) and it is scary. If there are any written instructions for such rapid spiritual growth, I haven't found them. So I feel a responsibility to try to express the experience in words because if my theory is right, there are numerous people around the world going through similar processes, and it might help to hear from one's peers.

Having "arrived" at the place of the Goddess, I suddenly feel like our current paradigm is years in the past. All our constructs, institutions and processes feel really, really dated. It's like I am looking back and going, isn't that quaint, that's how things used to be done! Old friends and old places feel like they are beyond a veil. I've walked through the new portal, and I can look back through the door, but not go back, certainly not as the same person I was.

Physically, this process is completely wrenching. I had an appointment with a healer yesterday, and today, every single aspect of my body feels like it is being turned upside down. Virtually every organ and bone and inner system seems to be "talking" to me (perhaps as if to say, why didn't you warn us?! I feel bad about that, but I just didn't know.) On a day when most normal people would be running around like chickens with their heads chopped off, there is so much to do to create an "action  plan", all I have energy for is to fulfill my weekly cookie project and this blog. Afterwards, I may have to literally sleep the rest of the day. I am utterly, utterly exhausted!

And in terms of my upcoming move, I still know very little more than this, which came to me today (and for a woman from a highly narcissistic background, this is so hard to even say!): I will be living where I am a center of attention. I am a hub around which activities turn, and people will spend parts of each day helping me get my writing and speaking out there, or with practical chores. They will derive satisfaction from helping to better articulate the values of the Goddess in the world. We'll be facets of Her essence, working together -- but my presence will be important somehow, even indispensable, in a way I've never experienced. I'm so grateful for all my past living situations, but in the end, I had to hide Liz to a greater or lesser extent. Now, she's not hiding anymore.

Of course, coming from the paradigm we live in, this seems almost crazy. It wants to define me by my low income, or whether or not I had a genuine career, or ever got married and had children, or "where we can slot her in so she won't be any trouble to anyone". Some of my old inner voices have come up the elevator with me, and are highly skeptical!

Yet, my despair and fear are starting to dissipate. I'm curious. How will I get from where I am to a beautiful home, largely dedicated to these new paradigm values and people? When it's tempting to say, no one will help me, I gently insert the slightly more positive phrasing -- "I'm curious to see who I'll meet in this process! I am curious to see what new home is awaiting me!" "I'm curious to feel how lovely it would feel to receive enthusiastic assistance, and encouraging words". "I'm curious what a new paradigm, completely post-conflict community would look like and operate like." And it's no lie. I am curious!

Goddess Words 31: Magic

There are six or eight words on my old Goddess list that I've been avoiding addressing here these last few years. And yet, today I feel led to "tackle" magic! And as ever, I'm presenting my personal slant on words and concepts that seem Goddess-related.

The definitions I see in dictionaries and online mostly involve either people calling on "supernatural forces" to create certain outside outcomes, or magicians who have the capacity of achieving remarkable feats, for entertainment sake: pulling doves out of hats, coins out of empty palms, etc. Certainly, growing up in the culture I did, I was occasionally warned not to engage in "magical thinking"; anything outside the norm of working hard in a left-brain, logical, step-by-step way to achieve success was considered suspect. And yet a lot of the "New Age" thinking in recent decades promoted the idea that you could focus your thoughts and become rich. I am probably not the only person who, not having achieved success the old fashioned way, turned to the new way of thinking. Yet that, in the end, didn't work for me either! I think in its own way, it was as duality-driven as the old model.

Here's where I "am" about magic right now. I think the world is covered by an intricate webbing of love. This love is omnipresent and has always existed, the only real creative or sustaining power that exists. However, fear-based models made inroads over the centuries, and most of us were trained to operate in that hard way.

My thought is that when a person is able to be in a sincere, loving place for even a few minutes, it gives the love web around them time to bring more bright, beautiful and loving things their way. The longer we remain in this "place" of love, the more we attract yet more positive things, perhaps even things that to old eyes seem "magical" or miraculous.

This is the story from my own life that I always think of when I think of magic or miracles. About twelve years ago, I managed to get to England, primarily for the goal of doing research about composer Herbert Howells for an eventual article. That I had made it there despite a really rickety life situation was miraculous enough. But an event happened in Howells's home town of Lydney, Gloucestershire that really was magical, because in true "me" form, I had not made any advance arrangements.

I had found Howells's home (at that time, a retail shop), and discovered the small church (only several houses down from there) that the family attended, and where Herbert first took up playing the organ. It was a chilly spring day, and I stood outside the white church with steep cement steps, dearly wanting to go in and see the place with my own eyes. I wondered whether I should try the front door, or whether it would be necessary to call the pastor. 

Suddenly, a lovely, tremulous old lady's voice behind me said, "Can I help you dear?" I turned around, and here was a woman, likely in her 80's, dressed in a white raincoat. I explained that I was a fan of Herbert Howells, writing about him, and I was hoping to see the church. "Just follow me," she said. "We are having a Lenten luncheon, and I had to run down to the shops to get some more rolls! Join us for lunch!"

So I followed her to the side door, and we entered a spacious kitchen where a big table was set up and maybe a dozen people were eating a light meal of soup, rolls and cheese. The lady introduced me to all of them, and set some food in front of me, and what ensued was a lively discussion of life in Lydney at the turn of the twentieth century, what the church and town would have been like when Howells was a boy, and ways in which life there has changed. After lunch, they let me wander in the church itself (I think the correct usage in England would be "chapel", as this was not a Church of England congregation.) I saw where the organ was, not original of course, but at least in the spot young Herbert would have played. And in the end, one of the women offered to walk me over to the C of E church where Howells eventually attended and played the organ, and she introduced me to the current rector, who, himself, gave me a tour of that church!

Not once that morning did I call on "supernatural powers" to achieve this outcome. I didn't wave a wand, or cast a spell, or even do any creative visualization. But I was almost oozing with love and happiness as I stood on that English street, and was defined by about 50 years of adoring the music of Herbert Howells. The Universe knew almost better than I did what would be the most wonderful outcome of my short trip to Lydney, and figured out the timing and the right people, creating, literally, something magical.

Love is the way the Goddess works, and how She creates magic and miracles. Even in these perilous times (especially!), these brilliant outcomes will abound. But I think the key is trying to stay in the place of love, not attempting to manifest a certain outcome. "They" (spiritual authors) always say that, but it's hard to do, isn't it?!

The biggest misconception

In the midst of all this intensive inner personal growth and revelation, it hasn't been possible to avoid the human transformation and turmoil manifesting out in the world. At times it has even been grimly amusing.

Yesterday, somewhere in the media I saw or heard another iteration of a phrase that continues to drive me crazy: "the fight against global climate change".

So, I am no doubt repeating myself, but here we go again.

Anything we fight gets bigger. The "problems" we fight will always get worse, not better. The biggest misconception in the world (and perhaps the most tragically ineffective one) is the belief that if you fight something you don't like, and you win, all will be well. There will be a happy ending. I truly believe this isn't ever true! Entering into the fight simply adds more energy to -- of course -- the fight, and gives the so-called "other side" more to push back against.

In terms of climate change, I try to put myself into the shoes of the Goddess/Mother Nature. Is She (in all Her myriad manifestations in and around us, underfoot, in the air we breathe, in the water we drink, in the stars in the sky...) pleased that we finally decided to fight global warming? Is she, like, "Yay, way to go humans! You finally woke up? Rock on! I hope you win!"? Is she (ahem!) cheering us on?

No, I suspect She continues to weep that once again, we are leaving Her out of the equation. Global climate change is happening because, in the face of our thoughtless, loveless misuse, She has to work ever harder to keep this planet viable. At this crucial moment, how our human structures and institutions and plans fare in upcoming years is low on Her list of priorities simply because this planet -- earth -- is too important to Her. Her number one priority is its survival as a home for a variety of present day and future species, including humans. 

So, fighting these climate manifestations, we are once again fighting Her. Now, there's good news in that, to the extent to which we have, unknowingly, given Her influence an opportunity to get bigger, and fast. We cannot ignore Her anymore, can we? 

As ever, it's the third way. It's not about plowing ahead as if the climate weren't changing, and it is not about agreeing that it is changing, and fighting the phenomenon. It's about each individual trying day-by-day to intuit what needs be done to become more aligned with Nature. And it's about acknowledging that Nature needs to do what She needs to do. 

Dreams of Dad

Before I talk about dreams, I do want to acknowledge that some of my posts (like yesterday's) have perhaps sounded a bit self-pitying. It's like, especially these last six months since turning sixty-eight, all the old sludge in me seems to have needed to surface -- anger, grief, confusion. My best way to find some peace with it all has been to explore it here, but doing such things in public still feels very strange. Yet in the end, I keep thinking, good heavens, if a well-educated east coast woman with European roots in America back to the 1600's has rarely been cheered on for anything she does, it's overwhelming to think about how many other people in this country could resonate. And while it is inspiring to see the videos cutting in to youngsters at gyms and swimming pools across the country, and it's obvious that their Olympic dreams are being birthed, it's also somewhat painful to me. As with pro sports and many other goals, most of these children will never reach that level, and never hear the cheers...or worse. In movies, toys, education and sports, young people are trained so early to compete, to see the world as "me/us vs. them". I just don't think this particular energy would exist at all in a more Goddess-centered realm.

Anyway, my dad. I referred yesterday to his presence at my 50th birthday party, and in 2006, I was still genuinely touched that he came and said a few nice words about me to those gathered. It is one of the events that has made me slightly question my later conclusion that he was a top of the line narcissist...but on balance, looking at my whole life, it was a painful experience of strange, cruel events, being invisible, lied to, or faced with constant paradoxes. There may have been some early moments when he praised me for a good report card (or whatever), but it was always so very "pro forma", with no genuine enthusiasm. And anytime you tried to talk about anything serious with him, he stared blankly and walked away. My mother's experience -- now that I understand things better -- must have been a nightmare. These last six years since his death have been about simply trying to understand, and put it all in perspective. He looked so kind and sweet, yet in the end, for me, was a complete black hole.

Sunday, I woke up from what I think is the first dream I've had about Dad since he died. I wanted to phone him up (I guess it was supposed to be the present, and he was still alive? Not sure!). The phone next to me was this 1920's or -30's era monstrosity, and of course it didn't work. The dream came to an end with me racing around, trying to find my cell phone. The impression I had was that I genuinely wanted his help at this crucial moment, wanted to speak to whatever part of him was real and caring. And of course, I cried in confusion, because it just seemed that in the dream I was setting myself up for the usual blank stare or silence on the other end.

So this morning, two days later, a dream that I cannot help but think comes on the heels of the first. Dad was standing to my right, and we were somewhere where  "Project Runway" was filming (of all things!!!) The main contestant in the dream was a woman who had created an amazing gown during her season, one that I'd been kind of half-jokingly saying would be great when I dress up as the Goddess/Queen of the New Paradigm. Of course, when I went running to talk to her, I couldn't find her (typical Liz dream) but when I woke up, I was rather stunned. Two days ago, I urgently wanted my dad's love/assistance/feedback. And then two days later, he seems to be (on the dream plane) supporting me in regards to my future.

I'm not going to assume anything quite yet -- I would need a few more dreams or relevant experiences -- but an astonishing thought has come to me, which I don't think I've read about elsewhere. Would it be possible that the person in one's life who had been most challenging and most painful, could show up later as a kindly, loving guide? I had already tried to play with the idea that he was simply playing a role, to teach me the hardest lesson I needed to learn, but up until now I hadn't had any new "contact" with him. If this is for real, and even if I have no further dreams, I think the impression of him standing by my side (as if actually wanting to be "by my side") is so powerful that it has changed me forever. OMG. Thanks, Dad. Today I don't feel quite so alone, at least.

The Cheering

I guess it goes without saying that this was a rocky weekend. Nothing like finally "figuring out who you are" after 68 years to send you up and down the emotional roller coaster. Over the last nine years, I have circled closer and closer, but this time it feels real, if only because I can tell that in some ways, I'd rather be anything but a Queen of the New Paradigm! 

The biggest journey was one of grief, and the catalyst was watching the Olympics, which (of course!) I watched to distract myself. Initially, I felt a new openness and appreciation for the athletes, respect for their awesome talent, enjoyment of the Paris venue, even, occasionally, became excited during an event, cheering the athletes on.

But it was the very cheering that sent me into a tailspin. I mean, imagine someone cheering you on!!! It is an experience I have almost literally never had.

Scanning my life, yes, I have been at the receiving end of some polite clapping. When I gave an organ recital in 1973, people clapped, and same again at a much better- played senior Smith organ recital in 1977. At the 1982 degree ceremony where I received my MMus diploma, Royal Albert Hall was packed with University of London graduates, so when I walked up on stage, there was quite a bit of loud clapping, and I think my fellow Royal Holloway friends may have cheered a little. When I have sung in church services, of course, cheering was never appropriate, and choral singing (whether in services or concerts) is a group effort, not a personal achievement. At my 50th birthday (which I planned!), I was feted and appreciated, and even my dad said some nice words. But loudly cheered? I don't think it has ever happened, and for a while this weekend I fell into quite a depression over that.

Yet it finally hit me that raucous cheering may be a function of the Old Paradigm, with its conflicts and contests and sports events and focus on winning. And then when enthusiastic support gets all tied in with patriotism and statistics and the emphasis on "better" and "more", emotions become even more engaged. Someone like me who has always been instinctively post-duality and post-conflict has literally done nothing that involves winning, so there has been, perhaps, nothing to cheer. And because my life seemed completely nonsensical to everyone, including me much of the time, I'm sure no one knew what goal to cheer me on towards!

One of the gold medal winners found his mother in the stands, and I could see her say, "I'm so proud of you!" Those are also words I don't remember ever having heard from anyone. (Unprompted, anyway. About 20 years ago, I pitifully asked a few friends if they would write me a note saying they were proud of me...I guess I just wanted to know someone was proud of my efforts to follow a different drum, if nothing else!) In recent years since I started this blog, dear friends have occasionally dropped me texts or notes that have literally been the breath of life.

By the end of the weekend, I did feel a tiny, eensy, sense within myself that the Goddess has always been cheering me on. And also, that "cheering people on" may be part of my new role. Should I become aware of people actively choosing the bushwhacking path of all love, and I see that they need cheering or a hug, may I leave my own traditional reticence behind and support them! We are in this together.

 

The Queen is giving a Party

So, Wednesday, I told you that I was going to operate as if I was "Queen for the Day". And to the extent to which I could get into that mode on a hot, humid day, I did. I dressed as informally as ever, but in a turquoise-and-blue top (those being the colors I associate with the Goddess). I appreciated the air-conditioned moments on the bus and elsewhere, and tried to stay calm in the face of challenges or concerns. Having brought up my old joke about being "Queen of the New Paradigm", though, it was strange...for the first time ever, it no longer seemed like a joke. I could almost feel that identity coalescing around me, into my bones and my whole being. 

There must have been at least some truth in these impressions, because yesterday, August first, I fell completely into the lowest place I can possibly imagine. I've told you, dear readers, how often my new realizations are followed by deep energetic and emotional dives...wanting to be honest about it in case you ever have the same experience. Well, basically, it was a morning of sheer panic. If my needing to move soon into a new setting and situation isn't just a case of a hapless, low-income old gal trying to find housing (which in itself could be nearly impossible in our world), then it is something even more terrifying! Perhaps my destination is somewhere specific, with a person or people or a community that at least respects that I carry important new information for the future, and they may want to (at least in a loose sense) support my being who I am, and help as "translators" between me and the present-day institutions I need to deal with, which I find so hard. There may be only one or two or three such places in all the world, and so it is possible my much vaunted left brain intelligence will be of absolutely no help whatsoever (as it scans all my past experiences and situations like a helpless computer, unable to find anything relevant!) Completely an OMG moment.

So how did I get through such a day? For the most part, except for a few things around the yard, I stayed indoors, where I still thankfully have a nest. I just knew this had to be a day of "me and the Goddess". But I also didn't try very hard to figure anything out. I watched a little of the Olympics. I ate a little, drank some ice tea. I read my Mary Balogh romances (love stories, of course) and let the cat sit on my bed (love and beauty). I slept. I just tried to keep breathing, and to remind myself that this kind of day has always followed major, important steps forward. 

By the end of the day, this image came to me. We are currently living in what I've for years called the Old Paradigm (all of our economic and political and religious structures worldwide, not just certain ones). But we are starting to see a transition to a New Paradigm, more Goddess-and love-centered, less divisive. Perhaps visually, the transition can be seen as a bridge over a river or canyon, with the New Paradigm on the other side.

I'm not really "of" the Old Paradigm, or of the bridge. This is why I really have been pretty useless at contributing to our world in a normal way, and my role has also not been to try to help people reach the bridge, or even to get across it. I am completely "of" the New Paradigm, and I have to laugh, because this is where my WASP-y east coast background comes to the fore! I mean, I feel like I am the hostess, welcoming people to a party! While in a literal sense, the house I'm in isn't necessarily a castle or a manor or mega-mansion, and true nun that I am, I don't really need more than what I've had for years (a tiny "cell" with a twin bed, a dresser, and a bookshelf), the fact is that the New Paradigm structure will feel beautiful, spacious, and welcoming. It's like trying to engage with the energy of a European stately home, but in a completely different context.

Anyway, there I am, in a turquoise blue dress with pearls around my neck, music on the whatever they use today and plates of finger food placed around the room. There are lots of comfortable chairs and big windows to look out at views, and patios and outdoor green spaces. And yes, I have a few people helping me with cooking and cleaning (I can't do as much as I used to!), but they do it because they love being part of the birth of the New Paradigm -- it's not about money or slavery, two concepts that don't even exist "here"! 

The Queen is giving a party. And I am just waiting for my first houseguests! After the rigors they have been through, the folks who arrive will need a big hug, a cold drink, and some munchies!

As I head forward, that is where I am going! That is who I am.