Lull

Getting ready to move -- again. It's that lull between two realities. Goodness, what a lifetime! Some days, I wish I could go back to 1955 or so, and the conversation I must have had with the Goddess, and the plans we made for this go round, and just tweak things a little bit...heck, change the whole scenario so that I would have lived in one house my whole life! However, being rooted that completely would not have allowed me to keep pushing ahead of the curve, which, evidently, was the concept...(!) 

So everything is spread out on the living room floor, and I am making sure I can fit all of it either in the boxes I'll send through the mail or the two bags I'll have with me on the bus. I accumulated a few books. I always do. Finally I have reached the point in life where I'm allowing myself to keep them if I love them. Books are heavy, they are a pain to keep packing and moving, but a bookshelf of my books is almost like a mirror, reflecting me back to me when I forget who I am. Several local sidewalk libraries provided Ann Cleeves mysteries, a Portland, Maine Symphony cookbook from the mid-1970's, and a Celtic vegetarian cookbook. That pretty much says it all, right there. And I am thankful that my piles of "stuff" are on a dry, protected floor. There are many people sifting through flooded or fire-ravaged belongings this morning. I can't begin to imagine how traumatizing that would be.

In normal times, I am sure I would get back to the U.K. right now. But these are not normal times. I've had to remind myself that life there is no more "back to normal" than here. Who knows if it will ever be? Until now, my focus was searching for the opportunity to hear or sing choral evensong in situ, but much of that music is only available online right now, even if you are in Britain. How bizarre is that? And as the world changes, I am changing. A friend recently encouraged me to more fully express (in my blogs and otherwise) the excitement and beauty of the principles I associate with the divine feminine. She's right. It has been so easy to get bogged down in how dense, hard and tragic our current paradigm is, how hard it is to operate in it, and to overlook the very reason I have increasingly gravitated to what I hope is the kinder, more heartfelt emerging paradigm. At the very least, this moment is mysterious, it is alive, and it is catalytic. It's a portal to something, eventually something more beautiful. So I'm going to try to let the mystery be what it is, strange, unsettling, and topsy-turvy. I'm going to let it be not what I would ideally like it to be, and just embrace that. It may look like a "lull", but it really isn't one. There is so much happening.

Labor

Labor Day marks the end of summer here in the USA, and because it is so associated with barbecues, packing up to "go home" (or off to college), retail sales, and the like, the idea of honoring those who labor/work seems to get lost in the shuffle. 

As my regular readers know, I've long subsisted on rather low-paying jobs, the kind that you do to cover the rent, because I never found a current-paradigm career that matched my skills and talents. There is a catch-22 situation with these jobs and holidays like Labor Day, July 4, Memorial Day, etc. Often you are given the choice whether to work or not, but these are the sorts of non-professional jobs where you aren't paid when you are out sick or take a day off. So either you have some time with your family and forego a day's pay, or you work and get paid, but forego the opportunity to relax along with family and friends. In an ideal Labor Day paradigm, all workers would get the day off and the pay, right?

Another random "labor" thought...both "employee" and "employer" derive from the French verb "employer" -- to employ or use. It's been hard all these years knowing that, and knowing that there is some validity to the idea that most employees are, indeed, being "used" (to do a specific task that a company needs doing). I have never employed anyone, so I don't know the experience of putting someone to work, or the tug-of-war between treating them well and making a profit. It must be challenging to even the most principled person.

In the future, I hope this terminology will not be used at all because people will be working together in a genuine, voluntary and organic way, not in a way that is dictated so much from above. It would be wonderful if, at the end of high school, everyone had the opportunity to choose the skill they do best "for a living", whatever it might be. Our lifetime "job" would be to share our highest talents with the world; in that way, love, not profit, would be the guiding principle. It's easy to pooh-pooh this. But when you think of the wasted human talent and intelligence in our current model, it is tragic; young people being forced into molds that aren't right for them, simply to fill the "jobs of the future". Ugh. And the hardest "labor" is often poorly-paid, and/or the work that impacts nature most violently. I think we need to get way ahead of the curve, and completely re-think everything that has to do with labor and employment. That would be the best way to honor workers.

The Garden

I only have a few more days at what turned out to be an urban "summer home" (Most people in a position to do so head to the country for the summer, but I always seem to go against the grain...) The place was perfect for me. I thrived in a setting that nurtured both my contemplative side and the health of my body -- but it turned out that a contemplative person wasn't what this little community wanted, energetically. Of all my recent moves, this will be by far the hardest. It's tough to dig up your own roots when they have started to curl down into the soil.

The place where this happened is the house's "garden" (I had to call it that, but it is, in American-speak, a postage stamp-sized back yard). The actual garden by the back fence is relatively wild, with bushes and unruly hostas, weeds, one coleus, and other plants shaded by a very tall old corner tree. (Oh dear, all I know is that it isn't a maple tree or an oak tree, the only ones I can identify!) An even more enormous tree next door has an almost perfectly rounded profile that, in certain lights, looks like a halo. A smattering of herb and flower pots on the eastern side of the yard is a visual focus, attracting bees, hummingbirds and occasional butterflies. (I added two colorful red and purple flowers to balance all the green, satisfying my inner color theoretician.) Part of my routine over the dry weeks was regular watering of these pots, and the basil, chives, parsley, and rosemary were regular ingredients in our cooking. What a delight simply to walk out the back door, cut the herbs, and return to the kitchen! The grass hasn't needed much cutting this summer, but when necessary, it is done by a hand mower.

There is one bench, where I spent countless hours reading and writing, and from which I could watch the small cadre of animal regulars -- two extremely playful and acrobatic squirrels. Cardinals. Robins. Chickadees. Mourning doves. Early in the summer there were two rabbits; sadly, one was recently found dead near the front of the house, possibly the victim of some feral-looking cats that put in an occasional appearance. Sounds that I will forever associate with this summer? Police sirens, the simple bell of an ice cream truck, loud music from passing cars, planes overhead, distant highway traffic, strong wind in the trees, and the thumping of basketballs and the happy chatter of kids playing the game.

My new destination isn't completely firmed up; I am doing as little as my rather drained psyche can stand in terms of micromanagement. I have to leave the Goddess in charge of this one. Where does she want me? Where will I do the most good, using the gifts she gave me? Who needs or wants those gifts? I have been very aware as I have calmly soaked in the energy of The Garden that most people around the world right now do not have this quiet luxury. I am grateful to have had such an interlude, but I am not complacent. Since the 1990's, I have known that a major transition would start by the 2020's, and that it will affect everyone, no matter our location. Nature has no choice but to try to regain the balance that has been thrown off by lopsided human progress. Part of why I love this garden is that it is a model for an intentional "conversation" between nature and the people in it. Even the topsoil beneath my bare feet feels happy. Earth itself longs to feel happy, just as we do. And of course, we are one with each other...

Food Magic

When I was growing up, my parents would occasionally pick up sandwiches and macaroni salad at a nearby delicatessen. The sandwiches would be accompanied by the most wonderful, crisp, bright green pickle spears totally unlike the ones sold in jars. Later I would learn that these are called "half sour" pickles, and although I could find them (refrigerated) in some New York City and upstate New York stores, I never found them elsewhere in the country. 

At some point this summer, the local Farmer's Market was awash with pickling-sized cucumbers, and I bought some, thinking vaguely that I would try my hand at this for the first time. It was only as something of an afterthought that I specifically looked up recipes for half sour pickles, and discovered that it is a really simple process involving salt water, garlic, peppercorns, and a few other spices. After four days or so in the refrigerator, voila, delicious half sour pickles! The moral of this story? After nearly an adult lifetime of looking "without", I was able to do it myself!

The other food magic of the summer was living only about a five minute walk from a natural foods store. Because there is no other major supermarket around, virtually my entire diet came from this source and the Farmer's Market. In recent years, my diet has vacillated widely, from "ramen noodles and fast food dollar menus" to vegetarian, to traditional American meat and potatoes (bought at the supermarket) to all of the above, depending on where I lived and with whom. But never before have I spent a long stretch of time consistently eating such healthy food. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did -- my body clearly appreciated this change, and the lower levels of sugar and preservatives. This fare was more expensive, but that was offset by so rarely eating fast food or as many of the kinds of snacks that make me hungrier. It was a blessing to fall into good habits. It scares me a bit to realize that not all living situations will be so perfectly situated; I know I could fall back into less healthy eating habits within a matter of seconds. I will try to remember the feeling of my body saying "yes" to foods that are more aligned with nature. 

Saying Yes -- to What?

For years, a phrase has been in my head and, to a certain extent, it has guided my thinking; that "this is a yes-based Universe". I have been assuming that I had heard it in an Abraham-Hicks audio, but just now I couldn't track down my exposure to the concept. Anyway, it is the notion that whatever we put our attention to -- whether they are possibilities or events or conditions we love, or possibilities or events or conditions we hate -- whatever we pay attention to will manifest and grow. Our attention is the equivalent of saying "yes" to aspects of life, and they will grow fastest if we are passionate. This is great when we are passionate about the positive, but hellish when we are passionate against the negative.

I am old enough to remember countless "wars" -- the war on poverty. The war on drugs. The war on illiteracy. The war on homelessness. The war on terrorism. We have fought disease (and are currently fighting COVID). We are fighting climate change. We are fighting racism, violence against women and many other groups, oppression, poverty, inequality, and financial extremes. Most of our current institutions either foster these conditions or fight them. For people of good conscience, all of these are extremely undesirable conditions. And yet in my lifetime, the harder we have fought them, the worse most of them seem to have become. When have we ever "won"? By fighting, or giving things angry attention, we reinforce the extremes and the duality; we unwittingly say "yes" to the negative situation and to constant conflict. We, ourselves, become angrier, and dragged down into the most spiritually- empty places of all, hopelessness, rage, despair and deadness.

Right now, on a global level, it seems like every major news event is giving us the opportunity to wake up and move beyond conflict. It is hard. It goes against all of our instincts to turn our backs on people in trouble, not to actively fight for them. (And, no, turning our backs only to pursue enrichment and fun for ourselves is not a spiritually-viable option!) But once you realize that fighting always creates more conflict, there is only one way to proceed: using all that passion energy to create a completely new paradigm of peace, harmony, love of "the other" and nature, health, beauty and unity. The energies of conflict and creation are completely different, and they will feel different in our bodies and souls. It's hard work, in fact, to shift the numbness and fatigue that so many of us are experiencing. Unwittingly having said "yes" to negativity and conflict over a lifetime takes a huge toll, and it's hard to find the energy to create, especially over 60. I am clearly seeing the manifestation of some of my own inner and outer conflicts right now, in my body and in my spirit. But perhaps there is a gift in exhaustion. Whatever "it" is, whatever crisis is in the ascendent, I cannot fight it any more. What little energy I have left must go to my small role in creating an entirely new, unified, love-filled paradigm. Even if I must re-focus a dozen times a day, even if I must remind myself of it in this blog a dozen times a year, I need to keep saying yes -- to love and life. To a better, conflict-free future. To more beauty and love than I think I can stand. Yes.

Power

For a few days, I am exploring several options that may be available to me going forward. I am trying not to look at these so much as "housing" options, as the life options that might potentially allow me to act more powerfully going forward. Coincidentally (or not!), I picked a "Horse" oracle card, which suggests "power".

I did a search, and it is interesting that I use the word "power" quite frequently in this blog, but it doesn't look like I have used it as a title yet, in nearly 550 posts! Indeed, I had to look up the definition of the word, because when I tried to define it off the top of my head, I failed completely. "Possession of control, authority, or influence over others"...Hmm. This primary definition seems pretty old paradigm to me, with its implication of power in relationships "over" other people (or, presumably, the environment...) And perhaps that is why I have never thought of myself as being "powerful".  Most of the time, I have felt singularly powerless in the world. I have always known that I have inner powers -- creativity in writing, music and art, intuition, intellect, some wisdom -- but have these inner powers created a situation where I was in control of others or even (in any real way) of my own life? Even when I have felt authoritative, has anyone else considered me to be an authority? Have I yet been influential "over" others? Hardly at all. It is like, until now, my power has exuded from within me out to maybe a foot or two beyond my arms, and then it fizzled out. And frankly, I don't want power "over" others, or control "over" others. That's part of the duality construct that I hope is losing its hold on us.

So it is important for me to try to define, for myself anyway, what it would mean to "act powerfully". In a more unified vision, there is only one divine stream and one divine power, love. It just is, it just flows, and as a human being in that construct, I don't need "power over" other beings. I just need to focus on love and flowing with love. What path will allow me to do the things I most love to do? What path will allow me to model love and beauty, and add more of them to the world in the unique ways that I do best? What path allows me to share love with others and the environment? What path helps the world transition from "power over" to "sharing the power of love with"? 

May I have the wisdom and discernment to sense the way forward, with these queries as my guide.

The Slide

Several times over the years, I've mentioned this phenomenon, which perhaps some of you have experienced. You reach some kind of new spiritual level, have a new epiphany about something in your life, or you finally understand something that has eluded you for decades. Then, wham, you slide down into depression or fear.

Last week, as I wrote about last time, I reached a new level in embracing my contemplative nature, and for about 24 hours, I was happy, contented, and completely at home with myself. It was lovely, lovely, lovely. Then the downward slide commenced. Every criticism I have ever received from anyone about being an artist, a musician, being too smart, or "thinking too much" appeared in my consciousness. All the hurtful, dismissive comments, and all the pain of trying to be me, alone in a world that values action and competitiveness over beauty, "beingness" and wisdom...it hit like one of those tsunamis I wrote about a few years ago. The takeaway? "Look where 'being you' has gotten you all these years. You barely have one item of clothing without holes in it. Where is 'being more you' likely to get you?!" Fortunately, a good meal reversed the slide. I mean, a delicious, unique, homemade, healthy food meal. Just the tiniest bit of nurturing revived me. 

And while I have surely followed the news about Afghanistan less closely than most Americans, it was impossible over the weekend not to deeply feel that situation's tragedy and hopelessness, adding to the bleak mood. Indeed, the further out into "post-duality"-land I seem to find myself, the more tragic and hopeless all our wars (military and otherwise) seem to become. It made me wonder if what I experience is happening globally. Perhaps there are lots more people than we realize reaching higher levels of consciousness and harmony. In response, the "old voices"/"old ways of being" are rising up, trying to push us communally down the slide and back into the swamp of fear and chaos, which is the only language they know, and the only power they know.

How to move upwards again? One person at a time. Allow ourselves to be nurtured. Feed a friend or Mother Earth. Notice something gorgeous in nature or art. Help someone. Swim in a lake or walk in the countryside. Read a good book, or sing a good song. Dance a little dance with the squirrels in the yard. Hug someone. Donate to an organization that is uplifting humanity. Write a poem. Notice the sunlight on the flowers in the garden.Try to imagine a world fixated on these beautiful things. Try to imagine a world where these kinds of experiences are the only "reality", because I believe that is where we are headed. Truly.