It is Already Friday

Between the fact that time is supposed to go faster as you get older, and the fact that we are evidently entering an era when we will experience time differently, and the fact that parts of this week were so unprecedented, weather-wise, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it is already Friday, but I am. (On top of that, I am waiting for a bit of personal news that is slow to arrive -- a watched pot, I guess.) Today's post will be a true catch-all.

Birds and animals seem to be slowly returning to the area. In the last 24 hours, I have heard a Carolina wren multiple times, and seen one squirrel and one rabbit. A strange black bug landed on my book yesterday, and, of course, mosquitos never really left. It's not the norm, but it is something. I have tried not to be fearful about this apparent wildlife disappearance...trying to use the old curiosity solution. Where have they gone? Do they have some kind of underground meeting place? Did they just travel a few miles away to avoid an energetic glitch due to solar flares or wildflower smoke? Or is there an even more metaphysical explanation -- can animals change form entirely, at will? I don't know any of those answers. All I know is, in upcoming weeks I'll be more relieved than I have ever been to see any bird, insect or animal.

I'm still trying to internally acclimate to the notion of being a person "in partnership" -- still not knowing who with, or where, or when it might happen. I realize that this wouldn't have even happened if I had not reached a point (at 70!) of self-acceptance. Of finally realizing the immense value of my journey down and in to the heart of the Goddess, to find my worth outside of the norms of the construct in place, to find a "place" of being worthy of nourishment, protection, cherishing. I finally want to nourish, protect, and cherish myself! It's the first time I've ever seriously thought that it might be possible for someone to find my pioneering efforts in the world of English church music endlessly interesting and discussion-worthy, even if they personally know nothing about it! It's the first time I've been able to envision talking with someone about every possible aspect of my life -- and theirs -- from a high enough spiritual perspective to keep it interesting for me. (I realize, in effect, how bored I have been much of my life, not able to function at the level that is right for me.) None of this would have happened without finally accepting exactly who I am...and according to some of my online astrologers, none of this might have happened before now anyway, given the unusually powerful moment we are in. It is allowing all of us the chance to transform.

So this partnership thing is still mostly a case of, imagining what it would be like to share this present moment or this spiritual insight with another person. Imagining what they might be experiencing at any given moment. Trying to imagine what it would be like to grow spiritually in tandem with another. Curiosity. It's hard to do, given this singular lifetime, and yet I know I surely must remember previous lifetimes on a deep, unconscious level. I can draw on this wisdom even when it seems buried. July was a month of unearthing a lot of buried treasure. Now, on to August, which they say will be even more transformational. Blessings, readers.

What a Difference a Few Days Make...

On Monday, I was seriously concerned that our area might be the next one to experience wildfires. By Tuesday evening it had started to rain, and as some of you may have seen on the national news, Wednesday brought a full day of torrential downpours. I awoke to a blaring alarm on my phone, urging people not to go out. In the end, we had over five inches, but some local areas had as much as a foot. Things came to a screeching halt, with flooded roads, cars, and houses, and delays, detours and stoppages on public transportation. Rivers overflowed their banks. It's strange to be locked indoors in midsummer, much as if it's a winter blizzard or stretch of -20 degree weather...

On the animal front, I still hear next to no bird calls, but of course part of that today may be due to the deluge. I finally saw a woodchuck yesterday, and a little moth landed on me indoors. Perhaps because I'm seeing so little "fauna", each small encounter is more meaningful to me now! If nothing else, I realize how completely blind I have been in my lifetime to the natural world...I cannot possibly make up for it, and it's a hard way to learn a lesson, but at least I'm one little person readjusting her perspective.

And whether it is due to yesterday's powerful full moon, or the changing nodes, or just my life path at 70, but I have had another huge inner shift. (I alluded to its preliminary whispers last week.) I seem to have moved from the self-image of being a contemplative nun/hermit/wandering solitary mystic to the self-image of being in partnership. Something in me has broken through my inner shell and I can at least imagine the potential of connecting with a kindred spirit, and, in the future, walking the path ahead together. Truly, this is the most radical transformation that I could possibly ever experience, far bigger than finding a permanent home, or a new way of using my creativity, or a new form of leadership. And I know this isn't something I can orchestrate. It's more about, tending to the feeling of partnership within me, nurturing it, facing my fears about it, and just watching what unfolds...Yikes.

What a difference a few days make...

Animal Update

Good morning. I have a quick update to yesterday's post about the disappearance of animal life. Since writing it, I've had three surprising encounters or sightings.

First, I was sitting outside and there was a loud "klunk" next to me -- it was a stubby caterpillar, brownish-green, maybe about 4 inches long, that evidently fell off the tree above me and missed me by about two inches. I'm not 100% certain what kind of moth or butterfly it will eventually turn into (he was re-placed on a bush, hopefully to survive) but I've never had a caterpillar nearly fall on me before.

Then, another first. I went swimming in the rapidly-drying Mohawk River, and kept feeling like I was being tickled. When I finally stood up and looked down under the water, darned if there weren't one or two dozen 3- or 4-inch minnows nipping away at my legs! It was so comical that I burst out laughing, although not quite knowing if I would receive actual "bites" I hurried out of the water. Again, a totally new experience. I remember tiny minnows up on Lake Champlain when I was young, but not these teenage ones.

Lastly, there is a glut of one kind of birdlife in the area -- seagulls, and they are congregating on sandbars being created by the lowering of the river level. It seems odd, so far from "sea" -- but hey, they follow ships and boats up the Hudson, and west on the Erie Canal, no doubt. 

I realized this morning that I haven't seen (or heard) a crow in weeks. In the summer, no matter where I have lived, they usually congregate and create quite the racket. It is absurdly quiet. 

I guess it is emblematic of this time that when I am having encounters with wildlife, they are novel, strange, not the norm.

Where are They?

This is going to be a very short one. 

Early in the summer, things seemed relatively "normal" in this area of NYS vis a vis animal life, bird life, etc. Squirrels, chipmunks and rabbits abounded, as did woodchucks. I wasn't seeing as many raptors as last summer, but there were a lot of smaller birds, I saw an early hummingbird, and there was a fairly good showing of early moths and butterflies. But in the last two-to-three weeks or so -- certainly since the bad wildfire smoke in mid-month -- it is as if animal life has all but disappeared completely. Yes, I saw a hawk killing a rabbit from a little ways away a week ago -- and if I sounded a little dispassionate about that, it's because I am trying to remember not to place a human ethical construct on top of such an event. Inwardly I was heartbroken for the little bunny! Other than that, I have seen the odd moth, one monarch, and a few chipmunks. 

This morning, I was awake entirely too early, and realized that not only was there not a "dawn chorus" at the appropriate time, with the exception of one bird chirping for about ten seconds, there wasn't even a trio or duet. The whole early morning sunrise time from 4 to 6 am was dead silent. At other times of the day, it is similar -- only a few individual bird calls here and there. It is positively creepy.

Where are they? What has happened? Do they know something we do not know?

Off the Top of my Head: Fires

This is one of those mornings when I feel called to write, despite having no idea what about. It's like, I still have this freedom, so I must use it. This is coming out of me as I type it. 

The smoke condition that was so hard and extreme last week (much more so in northern Minnesota than here in this part of upstate New York) seems to have dissipated for the moment, but from what I can see, the Canadian and Minnesota fires themselves continue to burn, in addition to ones in the Western U.S. and around the world. There is so much being said, from the sensible to the absurd, that part of me hesitates to comment, but...

Fire is literally a force of nature, and for generations and generations it made life on earth possible for human beings. So I think it is really important, above all, to honor fire. To respect it. To understand its role in all senses, even metaphorically. I've often told the story of my childhood dream of the tornado of fire, and how I've begun to see that tornado not as a fearful event, but as an expression of passion. Unfortunately, when human passion turns ugly, we "ready-aim-fire" on other humans, drop bombs that start fires, and otherwise use fire to attack and kill. "Fire" became an essential part of the war vocabulary. Ugh.

As Earth heats up, it is inevitable that there will be more and more fires. I don't believe that this is a case of Gaia attacking us, although undoubtedly some people will see it this way. She is beyond that kind of duality. No matter how fires start or how they are "fought", it will be a hard journey for human civilization, just as floods, earthquakes, and volcanos have always been and will increasingly be. As ever, though, I have to put the Goddess first. Her passion, if you will, is Her own body, and maintaining its safety, sovereignty and livability. We humans have generally not put Her first, so She must do that now Herself. For those of us who can rise above duality, it means embracing the phenomenon, not fighting it or the paradigm that created it. I mentioned the word curiosity the other day, and perhaps curiosity would be good here -- just kind of an open-hearted wondering. In future, how will we need to live, to power our lives, to feed ourselves? What are the fires burning away? What new passions will emerge out of the ashes of the old? Can we grasp that the world is being completely changed right now and that we cannot envision exactly what it will look like and operate like? What role are the fires (and their smoke events) playing in effecting change? How are they changing us, as people? Can we sometimes just observe, be a witness?

I have been keeping a "fake" plastic candle alight next to my workspace these last few days, just to remind myself that somewhere in all this, there is something good going on. Light and passion and power can be good things, things we want in our lives. And somehow, it's necessary to try to stay as unreactive to real fires as we are to little decorative ones -- even if we are fleeing a conflagration. I mean, to try to take one second to honor the fire's power, even as we throw a few belongings into a car. Fire is a potent reality, and in the bigger picture, long down the road, all will be well. The Earth that emerges in coming years will be the Earth that needs to be.

Cleaning out the Crevices

Half a lifetime ago -- and I am not sure whether this was when I was in New York City in the 1980's or at Pendle Hill in 1990 -- I consulted an energy healer. She said that, while the life energy around my head was vibrant and rich, from my neck down, there was virtually nothing there. The rest of my body was barely alive, energetically, and I wasn't grounded to the earth at all. She encouraged me to bring my body along for the ride -- and yet after all these years, I still haven't done that particularly well, or with any regularity or deliberation. While I have been extremely fortunate in having largely avoided disease, not surprisingly, I've had three significant falls in the 21st century, leading to serious sprains and breaks.

Over the last few weeks, these injuries (which I had considered long "healed") have been speaking with me. All three of them took place when I had no health insurance, so in addition to the trauma and pain inherent in the actual falls, there were significant added layers of rejection (of assistance), shame, fear and uncertainty. In the middle of the night last night, I realized I was being called to clean out the crevices into which I'd swept all these negative emotions, at a moment when I understandably had to focus on restoring my ability to walk and use my arms. I scanned the old injury events, forgiving myself and those who fearfully kept me at arm's length or tried to deny me medical care. I also remembered with appreciation that there were beautiful angels in each case who stepped up and helped me, easing the process.

And of course I couldn't help but remember the really quite remarkable fact that all three falls took place in the context of cathedrals/cathedral music -- either in a cathedral, or as I was heading to a cathedral to volunteer/sing or attend a major service. It is hard to know whether my joy was so "heady" that I couldn't focus on my feet, or (darker spin) whether this music tradition set up an energetic roadblock to prevent my entry. At this late date, it really doesn't matter. I have done my best to forgive and release this yucky stuff in the crevices, but I will undoubtedly need to do more healing and forgiveness in weeks to come.

My online peeps speak of embodying joy, embodying love, and embodying the Goddess. For someone like me, this is really, really hard. So much of my passion remains in my head, but I'm starting (with the encouragement of my body) to allow passion to move down through all my cells, organs, bones, and tendons. I think I tried to sail through life as if I didn't have a body...no longer an option in these times of ascension. Paradoxically, we have to be fully present, body and soul, in order to rise. My primary spiritual focus at this point is the Goddess. She has a body (Earth). She is waking up from numbness and trauma, and so -- apparently -- am I! Perhaps you are experiencing something similar?

I Won't Lie--A Ramble through Sunday

I won't lie. I had an extremely hard day yesterday. Extremely.  After three distressing days of wildfire smoke (discussing the levels of distress on this topic will have to wait for another day), it was actually beautiful out, sunny, windy, coolish. I was privileged enough to spend much of the day outside, reading and writing, savoring relative weather normalcy.

Still, I crashed emotionally. Really crashed. This so often happens after making a spiritual leap forward -- I feel honor bound to talk about this for the sake of other mystics experiencing the same thing. What was the major leap? Possibly my "Womb" essay last week. I stumbled on something very new, and expected an immediate backlash. But it seems to have taken a few days...combined with the smoke, the sense of truly going alone through the eye of the needle...

Because in the end, the aloneness was what slammed into me. Yes, I am safer than most people in my financial situation, and I was surrounded yesterday by trees, flowers, water, and a strong south wind. Nature was its own womb. But here is the dialogue I finally wrote down on my yellow legal (!) pad, word for word, just as my emotions tumbled out. "What the Sam Hill am I doing in Schenectady? I outgrew it 50 years ago! Where in the world are the people who think and act like me? All this moving around, and to this day my kindred spirits seem to be mostly online, and I don't even like going online! I'm not drawn to my former homes. I'm miserable about the situation in Duluth and the upper midwest, but I cannot help them and do not feel drawn to returning, even for a short visit. What draws me forward? Meeting like-minded wise Goddess spirits in person, only that high level of connection has yet to be made. Thinking about a likely upcoming move makes me feel lonely. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me any more...Oh, how I wish I had a companion on my journey!"

Interesting, huh? For seventy years, being alone has seemed inevitable, and yet in the midst of a serious dark night of the soul, the truth cracks something open. This isn't about an old paradigm marriage-house-children partnership, but a very specific kind of intense spiritual sharing and daily interaction. I'm proud of the fact that I used "feeling" words more than "thinking" ones in that writing, and that somehow in subsequent hours I avoided a complete meltdown by remembering curiosity: What would it be like to have a real life companion, completely on my wavelength? Is it possible that such a person is on the horizon? What would it feel like to meet them and communicate deeply? How would my soul -- and my body -- react?

Thankfully, this curiosity made it possible for me to loop out of depression and say "yes" to attending a bluegrass concert in Schenectady's Central Park. I actually like this music a lot, it brought me back to life, and there was great people watching. 

And in honor of being less left-brained (and not feeling the need to go back and re-write this post), I suddenly remember how Sunday started, which may have entered into things. I take a 10-12 minute walk about three times a day (it's on a very busy road, and for safety's sake I prefer a few short walks). I did the usual at about 7 AM, but when I turned back into the driveway, there was a remarkable sight ahead of me -- a huge hawk (becoming aware of my presence I guess) lifting up off the driveway, its four-foot wingspan circling up and out of sight. First of all, it was only the second hawk I've seen this summer at all, so to see it on the ground was remarkable. Secondly, there was a dead bunny rabbit on the driveway. Not a surprise, but I said a heartfelt blessing for it. Lastly, starting the day with hawk (messenger) eating rabbit (fear) was, itself, interesting. A large part of this whole black hole is fear, the fear of continuing into later old age still alone, my authentic self still feeling invisible. Perhaps my message was to pay attention to this, and to what may now be my biggest wish of all -- deep, meaningful connection with one other human being. To leave the "Liz path" and enter the "Liz and (someone) path". That's new! Hmm...

Orange Sky

Talk about things that weren't on my radar screen four days ago or so...orange sky. This morning as I speak, our upstate NY sky is actually relatively normal and blue, but I understand it won't be for long. Yesterday was all orange -- strange, creepy, yes, as everyone was saying, apocalyptic, yet nothing like in my beloved Duluth/Northern Minnesota. I don't dare even to text my friends there whose lives must be upside down. They need to focus their energies on the moment-to-moment where they are. Certain climate issues can be ignored or kicked forward, but this is not one of them, is it?

It is interesting that orange is the complementary color to blue...this may be relevant right now, just in the sense of things being turned "pear-shaped".

In the midst of it all, I seem to be having several strange new physical symptoms...they are minor enough to see in the light of metaphor and symbolism, but I suspect that just as Mother Earth is being turned inside out, we are too. For the moment, I am trying to immerse my body in the relatively new sensation of joy, when I can feel an iota of it!

Lastly, speaking of wombs, as I did the other day: what if each day is a womb? What is being nurtured and protected today for birth by tomorrow?? 

There is something exceptional and good in all this, as hard as it may be to believe. Take care, all, wherever you are.

 

Goddess Words 65: Womb

This word is newly added. It wasn't on my original Goddess list, interestingly enough. It has come up in several talks I have listened to recently, and having lived mostly like a nun all these years -- and never having conceived or carried a child -- that part of my body has been kind of a black hole. An empty space where nothing happens.

Interesting, too, that my old Concise Oxford Dictionary lists "womb" directly after "womanly". Not that they are connected -- it is just an accident of spelling -- but my mind makes the connection, as in, if you have never given birth, can you be "womanly"? (And do I fully resonate with that dated definition of "womanly" anyway?! Looking up words online doesn't give you this same opportunity to ponder neighboring words...)

What brought this on? I think, indirectly, it was the gratitude I have started to feel so intensively toward my body. Somehow, out of a great deal of numbness, I recognized that day-in and day-out, month-in and month-out, for nearly 30 years, my body patiently prepared for the possibility that I might become pregnant. (And while it was patient, it was not uncomplaining -- I used to have very painful periods!) I mean, how remarkable is that? Even if there were no other aspect of my physical existence to note with thankfulness, this one merits daily songs of praise for the rest of my life!

Then to move beyond my own womb and start to see all of the Earth -- heck, all of the Universe -- as the womb of the Goddess, my limited mind is boggled. It is as if all of creation, from the smallest life forms we know of all the way to the furthest edges of our galaxy and beyond, is taking place within Her womb, a place of unlimited conception (in all senses of the word!) Life is being sparked and held and nurtured and sent out to play its role for a life span, in so many forms and such infinite variety and speed, it is far, far beyond human understanding.

Clearly, this is an "inconceivable" Goddess word. Yet still another awesome related thought came to me. What if my 70 years of life were, themselves, a womb? A (reasonably) safe container in which to be fed nutritious food and experiences to get me ready to actually be born? I mean, I'm only now beginning to feel ready to go out into the world!

What if we've completely misunderstood the process? What if aging doesn't lead to inevitable decline, illness and "death"? What if it gets us ready for birth?

Thinking on Thursday

When you are nearing 1,160 posts, coming up with clever titles gets harder and harder. I don't know if there is ever a Thursday when I'm not thinking, but thank you, regular readers, for your forbearance!  Sometimes as I start to write, a better title comes to mind, and if that happens, I'll replace "Thinking on Thursday"!

A few days ago, I noted that the Universe seemed to be putting me through a reminder process, a review of my strongest gifts (and their value) so I won't possibly go into these all-important next few years carrying an outdatedly low opinion of myself. So far this process hasn't been surprising: no, "Hey, Liz, did you know you have the capacity for reading auric fields?" or "Hey, Liz, it's time to become a reiki practitioner!" More a synopsis or appreciation of who I've always been -- the difference being that now, these gifts and qualities feel far more solid, the core of me, not the fluff I'm desperately trying to sweep under the rug. Gone, too, is a longtime sense of irony and bittersweet regret over the fact that growing these spiritual gifts effectively impoverished me. I feel lighthearted, almost giddy, about the fact that this old paradigm with its heavy baggage is evaporating, and qualities like women's wisdom, love, beauty and unity are solidifying.

However, I am steeling myself for some kind of big "reveal" in the coming weeks. Whether it will be the impulse to take one of my current gifts much, much further, or a leading to pursue some brand new spiritual power, I don't know this morning. I know that it has not been possible in my current context to be the leader I really am, so I suspect it will be something to do with that, but on this hot summer's day, that's as far as I have come.

One more thing. I am trying to become far more deliberate about thanking my body for its power and persistence. When I think of the gifts it has given me for a full 70 years -- the list is almost endless -- it is truly humbling. Many people do not live to this age, or are limited by pain, inability to walk, see, hear, breathe, think clearly, or be independent. Somehow, underneath a rather modest exterior lies my astonishing physical body, which this morning was able to navigate a long flight of stairs down to the water, take a 15-minute swim, then climb upwards again. For the moment, my daily devotion isn't to the Goddess Herself, it's to my bodily manifestation of Her. If I do nothing else in this lifetime, I hope I will be appreciative every day of this gift above all other gifts. We cannot experience life on Earth without our bodies -- yet, anyway!

That's my thinking on this Thursday...

Reminders

This continues to be a super powerful time, which I probably don't have to tell any of you.

For the last week (and I suspect the process will continue a little longer), Spirit seems to have been giving me gentle reminders of how important my gifts are -- spiritual, artistic, musical, and in creative expression of all kinds, even here. To whatever extent I have allowed myself to believe the world's opinion of my worthlessness, I guess the message now is, no, these gifts are your superpowers, and if there is even the slightest remaining iota of discomfort, disavowal, or disapproval within, it is time to address it now. Now. The world needs these gifts more than ever, in the transition to the new paradigm. 

For the most part, this has taken the form of some channelling in my personal journal, but also some of this work is happening outside, listening to the birds (and even talking with them!) Because, hey, yes, communing with nature is one of the gifts! 

We have been rather oversaturated with rain, but nowhere near as much as further south of here, and once again, I'm reminded that, no matter how extensive the past and present human catalysts to these climate events, we humans cannot ultimately control the details of where, how, and how bad they will be. Nature will bring Herself into balance as She needs to. Over the coming weeks, embracing the reality of that may be just as important as embracing the personal gifts that need to stay visible and viable at this time. 

It is time to listen to spiritual reminders -- on all levels, in all arenas. It is time to keep our ears, our minds, and our hearts open!

Tree Magic

 

Two days ago, we had quite a thunderstorm, after which I went outside and watched and listened as nature got back up and running again. The trees were still "raining", and the birds were slowly starting to make a racket. The quality of the light was very ambiguous, and at a moment when the sun broke through the clouds, I snapped this photograph on my phone, which, I'm sure I've mentioned, is an at least five-year-old flip phone. I don't know how I got these effects of light in the trees, this brilliance. It was the same day that I wrote about brilliance, as it turns out!!! It is possible that there was a little water or greasiness on the lens. And I did utilize some very basic editing -- the image is cropped, and I used a color filter to make the leaves somewhat less bright green. 

Whatever the case, I'm thrilled by this picture, because it communicates what I realize more and more, which is that the trees around us are not only sentient, but actively wise, speaking amongst themselves and with us on all manner of topics. Indeed, this has probably always been the case not only with trees but all manner of flora and fauna, rocks, water, mosses, and the air itself. All of life. I'm not yet in a position to really communicate back (no long conversations!), but perhaps this picture is a start. Like, "I see your magic, and your beauty below the surface. I honor it, and honor the same within myself. May we start to communicate more and more."