Early yesterday morning, I was mulling over something, and it relates somewhat to my post on magnetizing. This essay has morphed a bit over twenty-four hours, and updates some earlier material, I'm sure. Thanks for your patience.
Here it is. All of us have been taught that to "get" anything, we need to look outside ourselves and "apply" or compete. We apply for summer jobs, college programs, grants, career jobs, and even volunteer work. People apply for car loans, mortgages, credit cards, and insurance. People (in effect) apply to find roommates, apartments, dates, spouses. We create a persona to sell ourselves on social media and to win in games. Companies "apply" for our patronage with advertising and strange gimmickry. All of us, whether we know it or not, or want to or not, have been energetic fisherfolk, constantly throwing baited hooks out into rapidly-flowing rivers to see what bites. And I think subconsciously, most of us have tried to form ourselves into the person appropriate to the situation -- the appealing employee, the appealing mate, the appealing renter, the appealing corporate entity, whatever. In such a setting, a process like the one I have gone through, diving down and in to a core of true personal identity, can seem both irrelevant and impossible. It has even felt that way to me.
So (as I think I alluded to the other day) it's no surprise that even now, I keep trying to look outside of myself for the tribe of people just like me. As I look to my periphery, I see a wide range of "tribes", most of which have at least a bit of overlap to me: environmentalists, feminists, peace activists, healers, astrologers, channelers, shamans, historians, archaeologists, musicians, artists, and gardeners/farmers. There is a facet of myself in each of these "places", but none of them are -- per se -- my encompassing home or tribe. When I reach out and think, finally, "home!", it isn't...quite.
Why? The missing piece in most of these groups is an essential Goddess-focus, a core set of assumptions about what life would look like if the divine feminine were honored. And having come to believe that I may have spent many lifetimes holding the energy of the Goddess in the British Isles (and in positions that kept me near the center of the spiritual and academic worlds there), I still cannot move forward without that piece in place. I may recently have recycled much of the material I held onto to document this lifetime's journey, but it doesn't mean that I've thrown away my passions or identity -- only the assumption that I will need certain physical material in the future. The Goddess-England-English Church Music "intersection" is my unique raft on the river, the lens that I look through and am. It's not working to cast out a hook or a shout-out to say, "Hello, here I am, pick me for your group!" Just as I doubt it would work to cast out the hook to "catch" people for a group of my own.
Yes, it's so frustrating. Have you experienced it? Is your "intersection" equally unusual? For those of us in this position, the only course may be to pull our little boat into the stillest bay of the roiling river, and put our anchor down at least for now. From there (speaking for myself) I must just do the things I do best and love -- write, sketch, listen to choral evensong services or talks by the wisest people I can find, read (often about England), cook, bake, and do things occasionally with friends. Take pictures of nature with my little flip phone. Commune with animal beings (a hummingbird hovered about two feet from my face yesterday!). "Be" love, the best that I can be. And see who or what shows up when I anchor down!
Be the Love Anchor.
