The other morning, I wasn't able to go back to sleep. Just for fun, I opened my dictionary to a random page and mused over some of the words found in the "P's". Perhaps I will share that with you sometime.
It wasn't until a few hours later that I hit another layer of the onion, when an intense wave of anger and frustration broke over and in me. I grabbed a pen and managed to get much of it down on paper -- at first, I was mad at the Goddess (then at God too!). It was almost like Job, or some of the Psalms. Essentially: "OK, I get it that I must have agreed to serving you a certain way in this lifetime. I get it. But really, did it have to be so darned hard? Did I always have to end up feeling set adrift? Did everything in our culture have to feel topsy-turvy from how I would do it? Sure, I never wanted a big house or car, but why was "home" so elusive? Why has community and recognition been so elusive?" And so forth. This went on for several pages before I realized that, in effect, I was expressing Her agony, that She has frustration and anger needing to find a voice.
The last few pages of this emotional communication was what I guess you could call a channelled dialogue with Her, or some aspect of Her. She was glad I had clearly felt my anger at how unsupportive the world generally is toward feminine energies and instincts -- even if I blamed Her! After listening to me "vent", She essentially said, we're in a new era now, and anger expressed toward other people or situations, or used as a weapon, won't be very effective. From now on, anger and frustration can be brilliant creative tools, rather like clay for a sculptor or oil paints for an artist. Anger can bring forth a clear expression of your truth, so acknowledge it and let it surface: ("Yes, I am angry! This is not how I want my world to be! I feel passionately that the world could be like 💖, and from this day forward, every creative act that I do will have that kind of beautiful world as its goal. This is passion! This is love! What kind of new landscape can I create with them?!")
I've had hours like this before, and have probably told you about some of them, but this was by far the most intensive that I can remember. It was wrenching. At first it seemed strange that it should happen when I'm finally in my own little home, and when I am taking chair yoga classes and moving this stiff body of mine in new ways. But it actually makes sense. Anger and frustration have in large part fueled my whole journey. Absolutely nothing about how we do things has made sense, and constantly trying to understand a strange language has been exhausting. This stress has been building up, stuck in my bones for decades, and now the channels seem to be opening up.
Later this week, I will try to articulate 💖. As Pollyanna-ish as it may end up sounding, what would such a world look like, as concretely as I can describe it?
