One of the visually intriguing things about Duluth is that there are a number of large grain and ore silos in the bay which the huge ships on- and offload from. In certain lights, in the fog, at night, and (ahem) if I take off my glasses, some of them look very much like English cathedrals. It is like there is kind of a semi-transparent film over my eyes, showing me something I love in another form.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and handwrote ten single-spaced, college-ruled pages about my dad. It was only later, after a friend asked me if I realized that it was Father's Day, that I made the connection about the appropriateness of the timing. It's amazing the way our brains work. I am not sure yet whether this material will end up in my book or here in my blog. But in a nutshell, I was grieving the fact that I never heard these heartfelt words from him: "Elizabeth, you are my beloved, wonderful daughter. I love you, I am so proud of you, and I want the best for you throughout your life. I would sacrifice almost anything to make your life easier and more fulfilling."
I think that Father's Day must be hard for many women, and men too (although perhaps the issues for them may be somewhat different.) Yes, there are some women who may have wonderful fathers who say this and mean it, and act appropriately and supportively for decades. There must be many women, like me, whose fathers were physically present, but not in any other way. There may be fathers who say such things early in life, then become monstrous predators, twisting the words into knots. And, of course, there are so many women who never meet their real fathers. When there is this gaping hole, it is so very hard to fill even in a lifetime of trying. My heart goes out to anyone for whom yesterday was painful or challenging.
Lilacs are just coming out here. It's so late. Gosh, I think in England they were coming out in March. Duluth's summers are so very short, and it's almost like a Saturnalia...each weekend is crammed with marathons, rummage sales, sailboat races, rowing regattas, farmers' markets, outdoor concerts, you name it. Most of it isn't my thing right at the moment (this summer being devoted to writing my book) but I'm breathing in the life energy and the excitement with gratitude.
Monday, June 17, 2019
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Aha!
My readers know that my focus is on writing my memoirs right now, and it was my intention not to blog as frequently. However, I guess this activity is serving to spur my brain cells, generally, and this morning I had an "Aha!" moment that I have been waiting a lifetime for. So I could not wait to share it with my small group of faithful readers. If you've stuck with me this long, maybe this will resonate with you.
OK, here goes.
Over the years, I have met a handful of other women like me, single, strongly focused on their spiritual journeys, and, yes, living either in poverty or very straightened circumstances. Wandering (or stable-yet-hanging-on-for-dear-life) mystics. (There may be men in this category, but I just haven't met many yet!) And, of course, many artists, writers, musicians, poets, and other creative men and women share this experience, and have been made to feel intense shame at their lack of financial success.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but since the late 1980's, I have certainly been exposed to law of attraction teachings, and indeed, believe them to be absolutely true. I believe that "like attracts like," at the very least on this earth plane. For decades, I have tried to "attract" money, income, paid opportunities, gifts, whatever, not just so that I could barely get by, but to try to accomplish the hundreds of things I still wish to accomplish in this life. I've tried visualizing a permanent home and the means to make that possible because I am so tired of wandering. I've loved listening to my favorite law of attraction gurus, and knowing that for some people, affirmations, creative visualization and other tricks really do work. But they most assuredly do not seem to work for me. My life has proved sort of an inverse proportion to the rule; the closer I get to understanding who I am and to my core beliefs and understandings, the less I seem to function in our system and the further I seem to get from "abundance" (as expressed through money, anyway! My life has had other forms of abundance, clearly.)
This morning, it finally hit me. This is, in fact, the law of attraction at work. Our current economic systems and institutions are based firmly in a duality view of life; two planes of reality that are in constant opposition. right vs. wrong, good vs. evil, profit vs. loss, success vs. failure etc. This assumption is at the core of almost all of our societal structures, not just the economy. Think of how we fight illness, war, drug use, pollution and illiteracy. The other political party. You name it.
I think I came into this lifetime with at least a budding understanding of a post-duality worldview. I'm not sure if there is a better word to use..."unity"? "unity through harmony"? "Wholeness"? A world where everything is essentially one and there is no actual split down the middle. Personally, I'm coming more and more to see all Life as a single river of love and beauty, running, literally, in one direction. I feel it as a construct of the divine feminine, although it just may be that, as a woman, I need a more concrete, personal sense of identifying with divine oneness.
As of yet, I do not know of any economic systems based on this paradigm, although gifting and bartering may align with it somewhat more than making a profit. That's a question for another day. But because our Western economy is based on duality, and my thinking is not, law of attraction is working (ugh!) perfectly. I do not easily attract "money" to my true self, and it is not attracted to me (nor, by and large, are people who are really invested in the system). Those of us who just simply cannot function in a dualistic fashion find all aspects of the dualistic world extremely hard to navigate, practically and spiritually.
This isn't about making excuses. But it was a wonderful "aha" for a Tuesday morning. I haven't done anything wrong, at least from the perspective of that unified stream of love, unity and beauty. Neither have many other people who haven't flourished. It's just that our essences are not reflected in our economy's essence. This won't make it any easier to function, gosh darn it, but it does make it a little easier to feel better about my life... not a bad thing when I am writing about it, finally!
OK, here goes.
Over the years, I have met a handful of other women like me, single, strongly focused on their spiritual journeys, and, yes, living either in poverty or very straightened circumstances. Wandering (or stable-yet-hanging-on-for-dear-life) mystics. (There may be men in this category, but I just haven't met many yet!) And, of course, many artists, writers, musicians, poets, and other creative men and women share this experience, and have been made to feel intense shame at their lack of financial success.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but since the late 1980's, I have certainly been exposed to law of attraction teachings, and indeed, believe them to be absolutely true. I believe that "like attracts like," at the very least on this earth plane. For decades, I have tried to "attract" money, income, paid opportunities, gifts, whatever, not just so that I could barely get by, but to try to accomplish the hundreds of things I still wish to accomplish in this life. I've tried visualizing a permanent home and the means to make that possible because I am so tired of wandering. I've loved listening to my favorite law of attraction gurus, and knowing that for some people, affirmations, creative visualization and other tricks really do work. But they most assuredly do not seem to work for me. My life has proved sort of an inverse proportion to the rule; the closer I get to understanding who I am and to my core beliefs and understandings, the less I seem to function in our system and the further I seem to get from "abundance" (as expressed through money, anyway! My life has had other forms of abundance, clearly.)
This morning, it finally hit me. This is, in fact, the law of attraction at work. Our current economic systems and institutions are based firmly in a duality view of life; two planes of reality that are in constant opposition. right vs. wrong, good vs. evil, profit vs. loss, success vs. failure etc. This assumption is at the core of almost all of our societal structures, not just the economy. Think of how we fight illness, war, drug use, pollution and illiteracy. The other political party. You name it.
I think I came into this lifetime with at least a budding understanding of a post-duality worldview. I'm not sure if there is a better word to use..."unity"? "unity through harmony"? "Wholeness"? A world where everything is essentially one and there is no actual split down the middle. Personally, I'm coming more and more to see all Life as a single river of love and beauty, running, literally, in one direction. I feel it as a construct of the divine feminine, although it just may be that, as a woman, I need a more concrete, personal sense of identifying with divine oneness.
As of yet, I do not know of any economic systems based on this paradigm, although gifting and bartering may align with it somewhat more than making a profit. That's a question for another day. But because our Western economy is based on duality, and my thinking is not, law of attraction is working (ugh!) perfectly. I do not easily attract "money" to my true self, and it is not attracted to me (nor, by and large, are people who are really invested in the system). Those of us who just simply cannot function in a dualistic fashion find all aspects of the dualistic world extremely hard to navigate, practically and spiritually.
This isn't about making excuses. But it was a wonderful "aha" for a Tuesday morning. I haven't done anything wrong, at least from the perspective of that unified stream of love, unity and beauty. Neither have many other people who haven't flourished. It's just that our essences are not reflected in our economy's essence. This won't make it any easier to function, gosh darn it, but it does make it a little easier to feel better about my life... not a bad thing when I am writing about it, finally!
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