Forgiveness

Wow. This continues to be an amazing time, inwardly and outwardly. 

Forgiveness...I have used this word relatively few times in this blog, and in my life. Having been brought up in the Christian tradition, where forgiveness plays such a huge role, perhaps this may seem surprising. But here's the thing. When you are brought up by at least one parent who is utterly incapable of asking for forgiveness, you cannot help but question the process. There were five or ten enormous things that a more loving father would have apologized to me for by the end of his life, but it simply was not in his nature. Instead, early on I became the family apologist, apologizing at every turn, for who I was and for just about everything I did. Spending time in England made it worse, because I added their casual "sorries" to every other sentence. In the middle of my life, friends begged me to stop being so apologetic, and slowly but surely I've released the need to ask forgiveness at every turn. Yet when I see or hear of people forgiving other people for the completely unthinkable, I just know I am not there yet. If someone is empathetic enough to come to me and ask forgiveness, I think in most cases I would gladly forgive, but in other situations, I'm still not there yet. I need to marshal my limited energies in other ways.

However, this morning I did something major in my handwritten journal; I suspect this is huge. I didn't forgive a person, I forgave a place: upstate New York/the northeastern U.S. The place of my birth and upbringing, and just about all my family's roots back to the 1600s-1800s. The place I have actually spent the majority of my life. I don't think I was ever completely at home there. Even as a small child, I remember looking out the window of our family station wagon at Schenectady and the surrounding landscape, feeling utterly adrift.  By then, England resonated more as "home". I've left, returned, left again, returned, left again. Thinking about that part of the world has only ever depressed me, and left me feeling tortured and defensive. When I have lived there as an adult, it was largely in reference to my family, trying to do things differently than they did. I was in the northeast when my dad died, and I guess it is no surprise that I left almost immediately to come back out here to Minnesota. I didn't think I could bear the constant reminders of him. I didn't want to live in the part of the world I associated with his choices, his blankness.

So why forgiveness, and why this morning? I don't know for sure. But several things hit me. It isn't the fault of the northeastern U.S. that my father was who he was. And it isn't its fault that it isn't England, or that I never found a way to permanently live over there. Perhaps most importantly, in the bigger picture, as an emerging soul in 1955-56, I chose to live in that part of the world, as a part of that specific family with its myriad and paradoxical issues. In its own way, it was -- as places go -- incredibly nurturing. And it is an area whose feminist and spiritual histories are rich -- I may be more part of that stream than I realize.

So, I ask the forgiveness of my hometown and my home region. I truly am sorry that I have so often scrambled to leave you, and felt ashamed of you. You -- especially the landscape underfoot in the Hudson and Mohawk and Champlain valleys -- were not the issue. I just wasn't ready yet to understand that. Please, please forgive me.

I'm not making any assumptions about how this relates to any future plans. But at the right moments and in the right situations, I think "they" are right. Forgiveness is necessary and liberating.

Goddess Words 27: Shaping

One of the more surprising words in my old handwritten list of Goddess words is "Shaping". Surprising, in the sense that it's not a word I have said very often, or think about. 

These days, when I think about shaping, I think of potters at a wheel, shaping the wet clay by hand. Although I never took up this kind of artistic expression, it seems like the best metaphor for a creator/creatrix. Particularly for the Goddess. That she has shaped everything in the natural world (including us) literally by hand, lovingly, deliberately. We are the shape we are, on purpose. 

And I think She is definitely re-shaping all life at this time. Our human mode of creation has been less thoughtful, deliberate, and loving, and things are out of whack. Landscapes we thought we knew will be re-shaped in coming years, things we thought we could count on will take on new shapes, as a divine hand presses in to heal and, in some cases, start certain processes all over from scratch.

More on this another day. After months of drought, we are having heavy snow and ice, and expect it for another day or two. From the sound of it, optimistic neighbors had taken off their snow tires, but overall, with school closed and the side streets not yet plowed, it is silent outside. I'll have to get out soon to help shovel! That is spring in the northland, a season when, as always, the Goddess does what she needs to do.

Speaking of that, I spoke last time of a big step, and this is what it is. I'm having some cards made up, where I clearly state that I am a Goddess-centered mystic and visionary. A few years ago, I had some commercial ones made that said "mystic", but it was right before COVID, and I never had any reason to use them. Now, I am shaping and defining myself much more clearly. I still don't know whether I'll use ten of them or a hundred in upcoming months, but in a way, it doesn't matter. What matters is finally allowing my true shape to find expression.

If it is blizzarding where you are, stay safe!

A Big Step

Today, I am taking a rather big step on the Liz path. (You can tell how essentially English I am, using the word "rather" in this context! But it is, by American standards, a smallish step -- I will tell you more about it in my next post, I promise.)

Essentially, I am more clearly identifying myself with the Goddess and the values I am doing my best to articulate in these essays. I finally see that (no longer 'breaking into the world of English church music') as my primary mission for whatever remains of this lifetime. If, Goddess willing, I should finally be drawn to "my forever home" (on whatever side of the Atlantic), this must be the primary energetic quality -- that I am loved and accepted because of these values. I recently pulled an oracle card that showed a figure standing between two flaming staffs, about to step over the threshold onto a new path. And that's what it feels like. In a way, I think I've been nearing this portal then circling away again over and over the last few years, but this may be the first really practical step over the line. 

No, I am not getting a tattoo. Everyone seems to have one these days, but those visible marks haven't called to me -- yet. 

If you are reading this, send me courage. And may you have all the courage you need today as well.

Happy first day of spring, from a Northern Minnesota seemingly heading into winter in earnest. 

Hearts and Brains

So yesterday, I started out the day with one of those spiritual-person's vows -- that I would compassionately treat everyone I met, or every situation I found myself in. I then proceeded to flunk this exam within the hour! I was working on a crossword puzzle, waiting for the library to open. A tall older white man (yes, I think older than me!) tried to engage me in conversation. There was something amiss, whether it was addiction issues or what, I don't know, but my guard immediately went up, and went up further as he leaned into me to try to read what I was writing. His head must have been four or five inches from mine. My inner New Yorker (in public, we always gave each other a great deal of space) and my inner self-protective female both overruled my good intentions. I'm hard on men, I know I am. Is this an impediment to other women who try to operate spiritually and lovingly? If this part of us has been abused at some point, there is still so much hurt to rise above.

Something else has been on my mind. The other day, I made reference again to my high IQ. I always hesitate to talk about it, I really do. But it may be one of the primary things that makes me "me", and I have been grieving how inadequately I ended up using my intelligence much of this lifetime. The other day, a Jeopardy contestant referred to a wonderful teacher who had sat down (when he was young) and talked with him about what life would be like for him, with his exceptional intelligence. I grieved even more. Why didn't anyone do that with me? I dare say that in the early 1960's, it was still assumed that as a girl, I really would have no reason to use my brain. And while a few men over the years have come straight out and critiqued my references to my degrees, for instance, for the most part, I've begun to see how it was more often a passive case of being teased, ignored, or not hired. And of course, I increasingly see how "patriarchal" all the jobs or careers would have been, had I made those choices. I think, too, of bright young girls worldwide. In worst case scenarios, they are being silenced, and in better scenarios, they are being educated in systems more conducive to men. Hmm...I think I recently asked this, but I'll do it again: Goddess, moving forward, how do I use this brain of mine for your benefit? 

For the moment, I continue to write!

Lastly, it's a windy, blustery day at the head of the lake. Chilly, closer to normal mid-March. I guess one use of this brain will be not to forget how thoroughly abnormal the rest of the winter was. We are not in "normal" times. How to face this fact square on, but also lovingly and looking for beauty -- this will take hearts and brains. 

Climate

It is rare that I write two posts in two days, but I feel called to right now.

Evidently, there is still a "thing" out there that Northern Minnesota/Duluth is (or will be) relatively climate change-proof. All along, I've thought that this was a rather strange notion. This is one world, and the process of re-balancing and purifying what has gone amiss will happen all over the world, not just in certain places. I suppose what appealed to some people was the idea that historically, this part of the world has relatively cool summers. Perhaps it was hoped that winters would also become a little milder, making the area more livable.

Now, you'll have to find actual statistics elsewhere, but this winter's freakishness goes well beyond a little upward temperature nudging. Except for the ten days or so of traditional "frigid Duluth winter" back in January (which I wrote about), the period since November 1 has been exceptionally dry. We have had less than 20 inches of snow in total, of which there is basically nothing left on the ground. And we have had no rain. The grass is brown (we continue to get nights under freezing), crisp, and looks just "wrong", and is already a fire risk, in and out of the city. For the last six or seven weeks, daytime temperatures have often been 10, 20, even 30 degrees F above normal. When in a usual winter, the high for the day might have been 0 degrees, it has been 20 or 30. On and off over the last few weeks, when the normal might have been 20 degrees, it has been 40 or 50. This is not a slight rise in temperatures, this is exceptional. 

Since the lake never froze, the water is nowhere near as cold as it might normally be, which means that the "cooler by the lake" effect will be diminished or nonexistent. With no significant precipitation falling, I assume Lake Superior water level will also be lower than usual, which has a host of domino effects.

I guess that's all I will say right now. We are a culture that seeks salvation; if any of us seek such relief by moving, at least we need to remember that we may be trading one climate extreme for another. 

Goddess Words 26: Bliss

I have chosen "Bliss" for today, even though I am not in that place. But it is an important feeling, and the word was near the top of my handwritten list.

So...a state of complete happiness and joy. Feeling like you are in "heaven", infused with light and love.

As with some of the other words already presented here, this is not an emotion that is likely to result from achieving something outside yourself. It is hard for me to imagine someone feeling a genuine state of bliss upon acquiring a new job, a fancy car, a new boyfriend, or the right living room set. I mean, our advertising and entertainment industries wouldn't agree with me (!) but it really is a spiritual state, not materially outcome-dependent. I feel bliss rather infrequently, and (as has happened recently) when I do touch that spiritual "pot of gold", I can be thrown back into a black hole from which I struggle to emerge. It is easy to understand why many people don't choose the mystic path!

But when I do feel bliss, it is something like this: a state of connectedness with all life everywhere (not just on Planet Earth). A state of calm. Paradoxically, a state of unlimited energy. A state of knowing what deep love for all life is, even if I'm aware that I'm not there yet. Synchronicity. The perfection of whatever is in front of me. Total power (not over others, just radiating love power), health, peace, harmony, understanding, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the state of the world. I don't seem to reach this place in meditation, per se, though others can. Being an Aquarian Goddess-centered left-brain "genius", it seems to happen when all sides of my complex being come into balance. It sort of clicks into place. And I am thankful that my higher self seems to recognize and celebrate the perfect moments when blocks to happiness fall away. Kind of a nudge, "This is bliss, Liz!"

In this transitional time, my hunch is that recognizing our experiences of true bliss (and yes, even trying to hold onto them a few extra minutes!) will be very important. This isn't something to put off until you experience "wedded bliss" or "die and go to heaven", and it isn't something to put off until the world is in a better state. Bliss (people's real experience of it, not just the word!) is one of the most important building blocks of the new paradigm, and the time to start living as if bliss is a regular part of our lives is now. 

 

Reference/Reverence

Hi all. Another post about something that's been on my mind on and off, and that I've touched on before, but maybe I've spiraled up to a new place.

One of the disadvantages of having moved into fuller alignment with the Goddess and, it seems, into a place of more inner harmony, is that everything and anything about conflict becomes increasingly painful. Obviously, topics like war, use of weapons, hatred, and greed are easy: they are simply not of the Goddess, and it's time to move on. But it's the subtler conflicts that I'm becoming more and more aware of and sensitive to.

High on that list is organizations/people/educational syllabi/events that are "anti" this, or "against" that. Forced to choose sides, of course (as you might expect) I am anti-war/gun violence/bias/global warming/cancer, etc. But it becomes problematical when people name their associations or movements accordingly. I think Abraham Hicks is right. This is a yes-based universe, and if "war" figures in your title, you are potentially drawing to you (and the world) more war, particularly the more passionately anti-war you are. Prominently "referencing" the thing you don't want comes perilously close to "reverencing" it. We've all done it (I won't even go into all the ways I still do this in my personal life!) We humans have been taught to fight and eradicate the things we don't like, and it has felt more powerful to take a stand against things than for things.

But we have entered a new age. If conflict worked in the past, I simply don't think it will work as well moving forward. The most powerful thing of all will be simply aligning -- inwardly and outwardly -- with the qualities we most want for the world; love, beauty, community, a healthy environment, and good physical, personal health. Eventually, more and more people will be sensitive to this idea, and gravitate toward naming organizations and movements "for" positive values. It won't be as sexy, and it may not initially draw in as many people, but it will be a start. Basically, the litmus test may be, do I want the name of "what I do not want" staring me in the face every morning on my letterhead or website?

The Moon

This has continued to be a challenging time, as I try to further clarify my post-68 goals (boy, that sounds a little too left brain!) while staying true to (and increasing) my dedication to the values of the divine feminine. There is a lot I could talk about, but since the lander succeeded in reaching the moon's surface about ten days ago, I've had something on my mind.

With respect to generations of scientists, in this country and overseas, I have a question. Has anyone in this milieu asked this question: Does the Moon herself wish to be studied/landed on/explored/colonized/or used as the base for further space exploration? Does she wish to have human trash left on her, or to be dug into, or put under a microscope? Does she share any of "our" goals? Or can she do her job a whole lot better without most of our intervention? And what will happen here on earth if we fiddle around too much with the moon?

It just kind of horrifies me that we've never adequately treated Earth with respect, and without fully addressing how that came about and what we are facing here now, we seem to think that the solution is to move out into space and potentially make the same mistakes.

I don't see much news about what is happening with this current project, except that the lander tipped over. That certainly is interesting...at the moment, I don't read much more into it than that perhaps we are being given more time in which to reconsider our vision and goals. Protection/preservation of earth and the moon could be at the top of our list, if we made that choice.