Life's Final Exam

There is no getting around it. 2024 has so far been like a "Life Final Exam", or PhD dissertation. It's kind of like, "You are going to pull all the strings of your life together this year, whether you like it or not." I'm not sure whether the same thing is happening this year to 30- or 50-year olds, but at 68 it packs a real punch. Every possible fear, pain, lost thread, and regret is coming under the microscope, because you know you have a lot less time left to set things right. I'm sorry, because I know this is intense for my readers, but I plow ahead nonetheless.

The big issue of the day is being really, really truthful about one aspect of my essential nature. Lordy, I've written 800-plus posts, and even touched on this topic, but now it is under the microscope big time: whether I have always liked it or not, the young woman I started out to be was "Trans-Atlantic" (New York-London) and ultra-intelligent. (Not to denigrate Smith or the University of London, but I now understand that I could have chosen Harvard, Yale, Oxford or Cambridge, but at the time I wasn't self-confident enough.) I was cultured and articulate, and I hope I still am! And although my particular family lacked inherited money and only $725.00 made its way down the ages to me, the milieu, ambience, and expectations I grew up with involved blue blood, private schools, and all the old paradigm tastes, institutions and potential leadership that come with them.

By about 1983, my connection to that world was rapidly fraying. I now understand that this wasn't just because of my parents' descent into total poverty, or knowing I couldn't take part in the world of English church music. I now get that it was all a patriarchal construct which, as a woman alone with an emerging Goddess consciousness, I had no desire or skills to navigate. And by 1990, when I left New York City and decided to "see America", it was less a positive goal than it was a cranky, "Gosh darn it, I'll never again sing choral evensong or want to live in the UK without doing that, so I'd better see if I can find somewhere in the U.S. where I can become a normal American." A long, circuitous route brought me to the shores of Lake Superior, and I've been drawn back here a few times.

Still, am I really at home here? No. I'm sorry to say it, but that is the truth, especially now. All you have to do is hear my deep speaking voice, with its Upper East Side-cum-upstate New York-cum-Canada-cum-England inflections and expressions. It is many things, but it is not Minnesotan! (My sense of dislocation is on so many levels, it can be completely breathtaking.)

And yet (as we are on the cusp of earth-changing environmental, social and spiritual changes), I could hardly just chuck it all and marry a rich old NY or London aristocrat and be done with it. I'm not their kind of person either. So as of today, this isn't about immediately changing my outside reality. It's about inwardly completely embracing and forgiving that world -- and my evolution away from it.

I have made one decision. I hope that at some point soon, someone will invite me to speak in person about my journey. Whether it is to five people or fifty or 500, I don't care and I literally can't wait! Will I wear a "pagan" hooded robe? No. Brightly colored flowing goddess dress with lots of necklaces and rings? No. Outdoorsy hiking gear? No. My usual schlumpy hand-me-downs and inexpensive big box clothes? No. I'll go to Talbots or Ann Taylor or wherever still reflects that classy look, and find the right (probably blue or teal) outfit for me. And pearls. Because of all the parts of me I've participated in killing off, this may be the one that needs the most significant visible resurrection, somehow without embracing the traditional "power over" ethos. My usual impossible balancing act, right?!

Temptation, when you are a 68-year-old woman mystic

Part of what I feel my calling is, in this blog, is to express my particular variation on the mystic path. Whether or not people are reading, and whether or not I'm expressing things well or doing things well, I'm trying to stay true to that goal.

However, this last week has been so intensive, inwardly, that I suspect there is no way I can quite catch up! Last Tuesday, I wrote as powerfully and as clearly as I could about the spiritual paradigm that we are entering. By Thursday and Friday, not too surprisingly, I had a pretty significant crash. And it led to several important realizations; today I'll talk only about one.

Even in the midst of hitting the wall, I had sort of an amusing observation. I guess it is part of the standard lore about male spiritual figures that at certain moments in their journeys, "the Devil" comes to them, tempting them away from their high calling, into "sin" -- riches, sex and women, gluttony, worldly power or violence, etc. 

I can't and won't speak for other women mystics, but I know that for me, temptation has barely ever taken that form. Sure, I've wished for a little normalcy, but excess has never really even gotten my attention. What form has temptation taken? The temptation to feel even worse about myself than ever. The temptation to hate myself. The temptation to give up completely. To some extent I hear the voices of family and friends who have said my life is a disaster, and to some extent, I just feel the pushback energy of a paradigm that I couldn't navigate. I mean, I don't believe, per se, in demons and devils. Just the blockage power of ways of being that are wrong for me.

And turning 68 seemed to turn up the message to the nth degree: "You were never very attractive, and now you are old and your hair is getting grayer by the day. Why don't you give up?" "You never gave the system anything it wanted, and it didn't want you. Why don't you give up?" "At this late date, you'll never earn any more money, or afford a nicer 'forever home' than high-rise, low income senior housing out on the periphery. Why don't you just give up?" "No one has ever wanted to listen to you sing, speak or write. Why don't you just give up?" Friday, I had to hang on for dear life. I don't think I would ever be tempted to take my own life, but giving up and no longer caring what happens to me or the world -- that is a temptation much of the time, especially when I have made spiritual leaps forward. I talk about this in case any of you are going through this too.

By Saturday, I had the "aha" of all "ahas". In this lifetime, I was more aligned with the Goddess than I realized, and could only "accomplish" the kinds of things that exist in Her paradigm. To speak in irritating double negatives, I didn't achieve the things that don't exist in Her world -- "traditional" marriage and children, home or property ownership, career, money, security, and power over other people. And so perhaps to Her, I am a success. It is only looking through the lens of our dying paradigm that I look pathetic and expendable. 

Whoa.

 

In the Future?

I wrote something down in my handwritten journal the other day which I feel I need to share. In the past, I would have tried to convince myself not to do so, that it is too "out there" (which it is!). But this re-birthday month, in the world in which we find ourselves, is not a time for putting things off.

I've often thought that I have had at least one lifetime in the future, and one of my wisest friends thinks so too. So as much as possible, I think these following ideas are mine, based on experience (or at least, on my intuition about how conditions in our world will change), but I have no doubt that others have written or spoken similar ideas. I suspect they aren't original in that sense. And it isn't a thorough list. Articulating these points is helping me understand even better why our world as-it-is was so difficult for me to navigate! There were other realities at my core. Anyway, I'll put them out there in the exact words from my journal, to take or leave. In the paradigm we are entering/the Age of Aquarius/the return of the Goddess/a higher, more harmonic age...

We could "astral"/energetic travel (not need cars, planes, etc.)

We could create or co-create with the Divine at-will most items, and in a form that would recycle or compost

We would be more telepathic -- for most, no telephone, email, etc. would be necessary

We would need no laws, lawyers, as there would be little-to-no conflict

We would only need doctors to set broken bones, etc. No need for most other medicine and medications, because people self-align

We would live more communally and not need untold numbers of new houses every year

We would need less food/fuel

We would need no money, because people "worked" in the best field for their gifts and love what they do

We would need no armies, police, laws, insurance, or "anti-" anything fear-filled

We would not "own" property, so there would be few such disputes

That's as far as I went...I seem to have focused on the areas of human endeavor that I found most painful, but I have already thought of new things for the list, which I'll have to save for another day. I share what I have, not by way of saying everything in our world is "wrong" so much as to say, we are rapidly outgrowing so much and I believe these are the kinds of conditions we will find in the paradigm we are entering. I guess the best way to describe this last third of my life, is that I'll spend a whole lot less time and effort trying to adapt/respond to the constructs in place, and a whole lot more time trying to live these new ways, which I see coming in the near future.

(PS: This entire post has some wonky verb tense irregularities and inconsistencies, but I've left them as is to reflect the fact that things are changing so quickly!)

More Energy

Today's is going to be short.

I guess it stands to reason that after a little over two weeks of deliberately trying to align to my values, to what I find beautiful, to what I like and enjoy, and trying to stay focused, I feel more energy than usual. Even though we have reverted to colder winter air, it's like spring. I feel more alive.

Blessings to all of us this weekend. May you, too, find more energy.

Pilgrimage

This is one of those days when I am not going to write about what I thought I would be writing about. You spend a whole weekend thinking and mentally wording things, then suddenly on a Monday morning, it isn't on the front burner any more. Hmmm...

First of all, I want to apologize to my small handful of readers. The other day, I came upon a scrap of paper from probably at least five years ago, where I wrote something to the effect of, "from this point forward, I intend to model Goddess values to the world" -- i.e.: basically what I have been saying on and off here for the last few years. I mean, I'm probably boring you all to tears. I need to remember that this is all still such uncharted territory. It isn't completely surprising that I haven't "arrived" yet...if my intention had been to start a bed and breakfast, or go back to art school, these goals would have been rather easier to complete in the world as it is. Still...I hope I have at least circled up a bit higher on the spiral...those of you who continue reading, thank you!

Anyway, here's what's going on. I feel like I have made some kind of energetic leap in recent weeks, and that this impression of being at the portal of something new has as much to do with "energy" as with actively seeking out outward horizons or people or places (although it may end up being the same thing). I sorted through some old papers on Saturday, which left me utterly and completely drained. It wasn't just about how they reminded me of things that were hard or depressing (like going through bankruptcy, for instance), although that must have been part of it. I think it had more to do with recognizing that the "energy" of most of my life to date has been serious, challenging, disappointing, and bittersweet -- dotted with moments with intensive beauty and musical/artistic harmony. But the norm has been an expectation of struggle, which I finally understand given that my values are such a contrast to what I see around me. Something has shifted in recent days. Despite the woeful state of the world, the sadness of so many people I encounter on the street and on the bus, despite the excesses in the aisles of supermarkets and in ads on TV -- there is a little kernel within me of genuine inner peace and happiness, and I'm less and less willing to dim that tiny light so as not to upset others.

Someone said the word "pilgrimage" to me the other day, and I lit up like a candle. Even a year ago, I would have wanted to take a pilgrimage around the cathedrals and other spiritual sites in southern England. Today, February 12, 2024, I don't have the energy to move around much further than downtown Duluth, but the concept means something completely different this morning: to send out as much light as I possibly can, and see who (or what, or where) responds. To choose my pilgrimage sites based on the beauty, love and joy that echo back to me now, not to use the world's history (or my own) as a guide. Terrifying, but energizing.

Goddess Words 25: Boundless

I have to confess to just having added this word ("boundless") to my old list, which is rather absurd given that there are still at least 100 words that I haven't mused upon yet in this blog. So why add "boundless", and why today? 

A mere six days into this month, and I already feel happier, more spacious, and more at one with myself and the Creatrix energy of the universe than I did a week ago. I worded it in my handwritten journal as having come home to my true nature. Of course, what this also does is make me aware of the ways in which my unlimited potential has been cut back at every turn, by myself and the world around me. It's like, my abilities could fill the spiral Guggenheim museum all the way to the top, but I've only hung, say, twenty paintings on the bottom floor. All of a sudden, while I'm not in a panic exactly, I'm conscious that this realization is coming very late in the day. 

So I searched my original list to find something that described Her enormity, endlessness, eternality, all those "e's", and interestingly enough, I never included one. I suspect that back when I penned it, I was more interested in my personal manifestation of Goddess qualities, or that of other women. I wasn't thinking Universe-wide, which now seems crucial. In the end, the love powers that created (and continue to grow) life-as-far-as-it-reaches aren't limited by gender, but the divine feminine is all I can relate to at the moment, and "She is boundless".

What does that mean? Simply, She has no boundaries. In Her construct, there are no lines in the landscape separating people or places. She has unlimited creative power and agency. No one can stop her (for long) from flowing out love, change, and new growth. She is not bound, not enslaved, not pushed down -- by humans or by any other influences out there in the galaxy. Her true nature is love, beauty, intelligence, and creativity on a grand scale. She is not stoppable. She is powerful beyond anything that we can imagine, and she wants us to share in that power, not fight it or each other. 

There are nearly 4 billion women on this planet. It horrifies me to realize that if I, with all my early advantages and essential privileges, have only a few "paintings" in my enormous gallery, what about all the other women in the world? Many may have struggled to survive long enough to hang a single oeuvre, if that. Many women live in countries where even dreaming about self-actualization is impossible. In some places, there may not even be a word for the concept.

If I am attempting to far more fully exemplify the Goddess by the end of this month, what will it mean on a personal level? What would it mean for me to be "boundless" and eternal? As usual, I have to focus on my inner thoughts and beliefs, how I have remained chained and bound "in there" leading to limitations out here. For this short time at least, I need to try to be as "post-limitation" as I am "post-everything-else"! Age, relative lack of funds, and fear may be trying to bind me, but I can choose to be boundless. When any of us do this, it isn't a selfish act. I do believe we help all the women of the world.

Maple Sugaring Weather

Having grown up in the northeastern U.S., I've always been conscious of the string of days in the spring when the high temperatures are in the 30's (Fahrenheit) and the nightly temperatures are in the 20's. Perfect weather for maple sap to run at sugar bushes  Traditionally, this was during some stretch of time between late February and mid-April, and a quick search tells me that here in the upper midwest, it was typically mid-March to later in April. 

So for Duluth to have a brutal cold snap several weeks ago followed by January sugaring weather is bizarre. Just bizarre. Don't get me wrong, as an older person perambulating around these steep hills, I am grateful for dry sidewalks. My Sunday morning walk to the supermarket was almost perfect, cold but no wind, and not one snowbank or patch of ice in sight. I felt almost back to my New York City prime, fast walking. And there will be almost another week of it! The freedom of it is exhilarating.

However...there is (of course) something so wrong with this picture.

I've promised myself that every time I write this month of February 2024, I will say something either that I haven't said before, or perhaps have said so obliquely or tactfully that it wasn't clear. Today it is this. I just do not believe that there is any overlap between saving the planet/respect for Mother Earth, and our capitalist system (and other hybrids around the world that I cannot speak for). The whole thrust of it has been about using and abusing nature for human goals, with virtually no consideration for what the earth needs (or needed) for longterm sustainability. I say this today because I know all of us are grasping at little straws of hope, such as when companies talk about creating technologies and processes that will help us at this juncture. Once we get to the supermarket, on foot, by bus, or in a car, we train ourselves not to look at all the plastic wrappings, the absurdly low prices for things that are massively overproduced, the unhealthiness (to us and to the planet) of our favorite foods. I mean, I do it too. I do. It's that or break down in the snack aisle and get sent off in an ambulance, right?

I guess everyone has to find their own way of coping. Mine is to know that the paradigm we are entering is that of Only Love, of the Goddess, and of Earth's power to heal itself (and all life) in love. I'm trying to fully embrace this truth while gently releasing the old paradigm. Not fighting it (most days), not hating it (most days) and not living in fear (most days). When I unwrap my plastic-laden item at home and throw the container or film into whichever is appropriate, recycling or trash, I ask the Goddess's forgiveness. (Even at natural food stores, we have little choice -- right now. Little maple sugar candies are usually, of course, wrapped in plastic.)

I want Her to know that I know she's more powerful than plastic.

This Month

February 2024.

If you read the last post, you know that this is a defining moment -- for me, anyway. I think it is for the world as well.

I have promised myself that this will be an extraordinary month, a month of growing as far into my Goddess and "post-duality" personas as I possibly can, as quickly as possible. A month of only doing those things that I would do if I were the Goddess. A month of taking no action out of fear. A month of embracing the notion of leadership, if and when I am called to lead. A month of catching my moments of negativity as quickly as possible so that I don't pass them on to others. A month of doing things I genuinely love. A month of writing more powerfully. A month of imagining the future warmheartedly. A month of imagining the beauty and miracles in store for those of us who can hold onto the thread of love and keep expressing it in the world, no matter how humbly.

If you had asked me even a month ago, "What is your 'intersection'?", I would have said without skipping a beat, "England/English church music and the Goddess". It barely made sense, but I was getting good at owning it. All of a sudden, I've moved into a new place. My intersection is the Goddess and "post-duality"/harmony. Someone asked me yesterday to define the latter, and this is what I said: It's the moment when you realize that you see all the contrasts in the world -- right and wrong, good and evil, dark and light, healthy and sick, rich and poor, us and them -- but the word "versus" just does not compute. Your role (if it ever was) is no longer to fight your opposite. To see the contrasts? Yes. To understand what is going on? Yes. To try to hear the music of these different instruments, yes. But to fight, to wipe contrast off the face of the earth, no. 

I think what is going on is this -- it's not that I have deep-sixed England, or love that genre of church music any less. Quite the contrary. Interestingly enough, over the last week, I received some unexpected bits of recognition for my role in that world, and it was so gratifying. 

But going forward, my twin goals will be to try to express ever more clearly what I think the Goddess is trying to tell us, and to express what it means to be free of conflict and the constant need to prevail against an enemy. Only recently did I realize that this was such a big part of my makeup...it isn't about not liking to fight, or avoiding unpleasantness. It's about realizing that there is nothing to fight. It's about realizing that fighting always makes things worse, not better. 

Hard stuff. Challenging stuff. Rebirth stuff. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears, it's all so big. But I have said "yes" to the process. I want to move forward, and become the woman I was meant to be. This month.