My recent references to tsunamis have apparently confused even some of my good friends, who have wondered what happened. I guess I've been too metaphorical by half. So a tiny bit more clarity is in order. Several years ago, it finally hit me that the experience I had within my family was not one of love. I have no doubt everyone was doing the best they could (myself included) but what I experienced was pretty grim, really. So imagine little Lizzie at aged 4, hearing this marvelous music at church, longing to sing it, only to learn that the tradition was essentially closed to girls and women, and would be pretty much until the 21st century. By six or eight, I think I had a big cosmic, hopeless "No" hanging over my head...I achieved great things academically, but when I entered the work force, my "jobs" really didn't interest me, and the closer I came to learning what made me tick, the less I earned. (The system itself feels quite incapable of love to me, complicating matters.) Then, I somehow never fell in love, got married, or had children. If it weren't for some wonderful, wise, loving friends and beautiful experiences along the way, I might not have survived at all.
So the waves that I have been speaking of have been emotional pain of feeling invisible, unlovable and "worthless." If, as I believe, love is life, then I have regularly felt left for dead but tried to avoid the pain. I spoke of choices the other day, and yes, from the time I was 18, I was making my own choices. But a great many of them were within the limited spectrum of, if you do X, you'll be rejected, but if you do Y, you'll be rejected somewhat less. And of course, in that scenario, you start proactively doing a lot of the rejecting. The recent resistance movement is painful to me because most of my life has been about being resisted and resisting. Now that the wave has washed over me, I don't like that feeling at all, in either direction; I finally understand that you just have to face the future and move resistance-free toward your own star.
This process of rebirth really has very little to do with changing who I am. It's about finally allowing myself to feel the despair of how largely unfulfilling this lifetime has been emotionally and financially, despite so much effort to do good. I've expressed so much passion and excellence, and yet it often felt like it disappeared without a trace into the ether. This recent wave of emotion has shattered me, but it has also cracked open some deep knowing about what true love, joy and welcome feel like. I can now almost imagine, for instance, walking up the sidewalk to a house, the door opening before I even need to knock, and people running out to hug me, dogs with their tails wagging and children laughing and jumping up and down. I can now almost imagine a scenario where someone says, "Liz, you are just who we have been looking for. You have all the right skills and interests, the right courage, the beautiful wisdom, the voice of an angel, the ability to create and promote beauty. You are a writer of truth with a passion for a specific place and music, and a passion for the lives and actualization of women. Welcome! We are so glad you are here!" The real rebirth will come when I not only "hear" those words, but believe them. The real rebirth will come when I look ahead and see "Yes!" hovering over the horizon. The fact that I could even write the words is a good start. Intense. The Liz Path...
