Those of you who are regular readers know that I have gone through a number of symbolic gates since falling and breaking my wrist at Christmas. And at times, I am sure I repeat some information from earlier posts, now that I am nearing the five hundred mark! I won't apologize for any repetition, but just know that I realize that I am circling around the spiral and sometimes hitting old themes from a new spot.
I spoke last time about how I really accepted over the last few weeks that "trying to get myself (and other women) into the field of English cathedral music" truly was my career in this lifetime. Every major decision I have ever made had something to do with this goal.
All in all, I am an incredibly competent person. I am organized, brilliant, observant, and can get anything done when the passion is there. Yet considering most of my adult work life from the distance of this post-accident space I've been in, a lot of shame and embarrassment have arisen. I've been such an incompetent normal American person. Once I accepted that there was no chance that I and other women would ever have careers in my field, I tried to detour all my passion into other areas, hoping that some other field, some other place, some other group of people or goals would light me up. None ever did. With a resume with everything from an MMus in early Christian chant from the University of London, and Time Magazine, to waitressing, retail, and adjunct professor, I floundered. I haven't been able to sustain myself, and I'm thankful in a way I never had children because they would have suffered. My lack of even the most basic American "success" has weighed heavily on me.
But in this moment of retirement from what I was really doing on the higher level, I see that the qualities of the English cathedral scene -- glorious music, beauty, spiritual and artistic richness, majesty, ordered ritual, history and a thousand year tradition -- are simply not transferrable to America or its capitalist career world. The two careers that would have suited my intellect (law or academia) wouldn't have aligned from the standpoint of beauty. The art world doesn't have the tradition or the spiritual and music depth. And the handful of American churches and cathedrals following this tradition are in a different landscape, still have only men and boys' choirs, or have only recently added any options for girls or women. Back in the 80's, I just couldn't see any "jobs" that recreated the qualities of the milieu I loved, but I was young and hoped I could find a Plan B.
There was nothing equivalent, and in a sense what I was trying to accomplish was impossible. To the extent that I have felt ridiculous and incompetent, I think that is washing away now. I forgive myself for failing to "make it" because I have accepted that I was successful in softening the walls barring women in the world. I suspect some of the earliest women pioneers, including my own grandmother, Winifred in the field of law, had parallel experiences.
Some people talk about wanting to make the world a better place by bringing peace to the planet, housing and food. I guess my wish for the world is that no person, male or female, ever has to divert their true passions for any reason. I hope we will see a world where we recognize these passions as the voice of the divine, and cherish and encourage everyone's best gifts.
