The first thing I did this morning was to pick a card called "Vulnerability". You might say that it was the first "sign" of the day. It was all about not being afraid to be quietly out in the open, completely yourself, and having no fear of others' reactions to that self. I needed that reminder. Returning to one's old territory without sliding backwards into one's old self is quite a challenge. I am teetering a little on that edge, after just over two weeks back east.
The second sign I experienced this morning was to look out the window and see an eagle in the sky. Eagle was the totem animal I picked over 30 years ago when I was at Pendle Hill, the Quaker study center, and on and off through the years eagles have flown overhead at significant moments. I feel a lot of gratitude that they are no longer as endangered as they were...for me, they symbolize magnificence, the majestic, and the bigger picture.
I had hoped that by today, lightning would have struck, and the "perfect" forward path would present itself! And yet the only point of clarity that has emerged is small...I think it is highly unlikely that I will return to Minnesota to live. Since leaving, I've kept that door ajar, thinking it would be easier to go back through it than to face the unknown. But as overwhelmed as I feel, I just don't see "life" back there, for me. So it is like having entered a long hallway, and closed the door you came through, and knowing the only way forward is forward...and yet at first glance, not seeing doors on the other side of the hall that look open either. It's terrifying...will I be stuck in this neither-here-nor-there hallway for long? Do people know that I'm here? Yet the most important "person" of all knows exactly where I am, and which door I will be going through -- the Goddess. Really, after all this time, if I didn't believe that, I'd be seriously up a creek.
The third of the three signs actually came last night, or "first". I spoke back in April about how "Beryl" had been with me for several years as the name of my higher self/ancestress -- or perhaps even like the modern notion of an avatar. I continue to think of myself, when I am at my most articulate, as speaking with "The Voice of Beryl". I just remembered that last night, when I was working on a crossword, the clue was "emerald or aquamarine", and of course, the minute I saw it had five letters, I knew it was Beryl. And it was smack in the middle of the puzzle to boot.
So, I guess these three signs tie together quite neatly. I'm being asked to continue to speak ever more honestly, with the voice of my highest self. I need to continue to have the courage to do that, even when it (and my whole life process) leaves me feeling awkward, vulnerable, and alone. And I need to soar like an eagle, to try to see the biggest possible picture from above. Somewhere recently, I saw a reference to the "oracle" of normal life...and life is full of roadsigns, if we pay attention. Engaging this way with life is giving me some much-needed courage.
