One of the things I believe about this time is that it will be an unprecedented leap forward/upwards. This is putting aside all political, economic, and technological considerations. When you are a mystic, those factors are on the sidelines, and what is at the center is spiritual. Ultimately, I think spiritual considerations are driving all the others, that the influx of Love is rattling all the constructs not made of Love.
And yet even being more conscious of this than most people, I find it hard to cast my eyes consistently forward. In trying to move forward, I literally moved "back" six months ago (to the part of the country I know the best) and at times I still find myself trying to figure out my future by trying to decide how to reincorporate my past places or belongings. How can I pull it all together? Will I ever close this expansive circle? And let's face it, you cannot move much further back than your birthplace -- except to the womb (!) Perhaps in an odd way, that is what I am doing!
Yet seriously, what if all I have to work with from this moment on is the full person I have become in seventy years, plus the proverbial roller bag and over-the-shoulder tote bag? What if I won't have the privilege of having what my own maternal grandmother had toward the end of her life, a nice Victorian-era apartment with room for her creative tools and art books and cookware and paintings? What if I finally let go of most of the boxes of books, diplomas, family memorabilia, my academic and post-academic research (chant and Herbert Howells), and decorative tchotchkes? I've held on, carrying within me a decidedly old paradigm conceit -- that I will finally be valued in some setting or other, and somebody will want to know more about my background, my tastes, what was of value to me, how I got where I landed. That someone will want to write about me, or paint a John Singer Sargent-like portrait of me. In an odd way, I have kept this material as much or more for others' sake as for my own, proof to the world that I actually existed...But the Goddess knows who I am. What if the coming changes are so major that my relatively small array of possessions won't even matter? If my hunches are correct, old paradigm qualifications, proof of "worth", and written material will almost instantaneously lose their merit over the next few years. If I am truly a being of the new paradigm, as I have sensed for years, then this material may be, at best, an unnecessary weight, at worst, a complete impediment on the path ahead.
While I feel some urgency around this, I'm certainly not planning to do anything this weekend other than to sit with these thoughts. I'll just try to stay in the present (with the rocks and the birds and the budding dandelions and flowering trees) -- not moving backwards or forwards. It's a harder challenge than it seems, even for me!
