I attended a wedding this weekend. Not a "Royal Wedding," just an English registry office one, the kind which is undoubtedly performed hundreds of times a day all over the country. Yet it was a moving event, and the vows were beautifully written. In all the excitement, I did not find out whether they were standard issue, or provided by the couple. Either way, beautiful. There was a line to the effect that, marriage is the best way for humans to experience the next level of the power of love. That, plus sitting up close to a couple clearly beaming with happiness, helped me understand love and marriage in a way I never have.
There was a moment (perhaps at age 45 or 50) when I just accepted that this was not going to happen for me. I think the institution suddenly shifts away from you, across a chasm, and becomes something that other people do. It's not likely, it's no longer possible, and it becomes a rather surreal concept like flying to the moon. Self-protectively, one might even question marriage's validity. Why would anyone sacrifice their freedom? Why would anyone risk slowing their personal spiritual growth? I'm fine on my own, kind of thing.
And then add into the mix being at one's core a contemplative or mystic. My Christian heritage traditionally required singleness, even celibacy, from people with callings in this area. That imprint runs deep, even for this more spiritually open 21st century woman. Yet, tradition aside, I don't think I could ever have navigated the twists and turns of these last few years in a partnership. Having been single entering "The Void," and having such a unique set of influences and goals, the path has been almost impossibly narrow even for me on my own, much less for two people walking side by side.
Yet life presented two powerful moments almost in tandem this week -- the opportunity to embrace my solitary contemplative side at Julian's shrine, and the opportunity to embrace the validity of marriage. How on earth to reconcile these two?
The only thing that I have come up with so far is this: even in the modern world, it may be necessary to go through the "eye of the needle" alone and without encumbrances, in order to efficiently come home to a love of self, love of one's self's true gifts, and to come home to a love of and trust in the Source of those gifts. But since love is what everything is all about, perhaps once you've reached a new plateau (or stretch of river), new expressions of love become possible, even impossible to avoid. Perhaps there is some way in which solitude and marriage are not mutually exclusive after all. May I just keep my heart open to that possibility.
