First of all, I have been crying, a lot. I've prided myself on how much I was able to endure and even overcome without resorting to tears, but that stiff upper lip finally eroded this weekend, perhaps permanently. A movie ("Lady Bird") left me in tears. Petting a little black cat, calling him "sweetheart," telling him I love him, made me burst into tears because I've never said that to anyone before. Then the news of the death of a most wonderful, grandmotherly 97-year-old. And tearfully re-reading some Mary Balogh romance novels.
The common denominator, of course, is love. I believe that what is happening isn't that my heart is breaking, but breaking open.
I have also had kind of a "Come to the Goddess" moment with my inner divine feminine about money. As longtime readers know, ever since my favorite capitalist told me (way back in the 1980's) that our system is "kill or be killed," I've basically been non-functional. I wasn't willing to "kill" so...my life today is the result. But this goes against anything I believe about any loving notion of the divine. We are meant to thrive. I believe that. How to bridge two apparently irreconcilable notions?
Yet again, the answer that came to me was, "love," the only answer to every question, really. The transition to a future economy is love. When you've whittled down to nothing, your gut reaction to any material desire is to squelch it immediately. But the last few days, every time I've had any budding desire -- from having the use of a car, to new shampoo, to getting back to London -- rather than squelch it, I've written it down in my journal. I fervently desire to take a road trip! I would love, love, love new, healthier shampoo! I love the idea of time in London! Etc. I'm not focusing on how impossible they all might seem to be right now, or how many hours at what job I would need to "earn" them, but rather on how I'd love them. How fun they would be. How love is the only power in the world, to embrace or not. How there might be some loving, easier way for these things to enter my life. At the moment, this exercise is not about results, it is just to get used to the idea of embracing love, expressing love. If I can do it for shampoo and black cats, maybe there's some hope for me after all. "All love, all the time" is the eye of the needle. Don't be afraid if it makes you cry, though.
