The first thing to mention this morning is that -- of course! -- after having said in my previous blog that I rarely feel fear anymore, the few fears I do have came out over the weekend, eager to remind me that they are still lurking about. I wasn't able, initially, to shrug and blot them off my shirt. But I discovered something interesting. When I looked carefully at the worst fear, it was, at its core, anger, not fear. It involved something that I believe our society has totally wrong. The moment I got in touch with that anger, the fear disappeared and, at least temporarily, so did the situation that had made me fearful. I just put that out there in case any of you are dealing with fears. If nothing else, anger is more powerful than fear or despair. It is a step in the direction of love, as hard as it can be sometimes to believe that.
So, it is Advent again. While the traditional church meaning of it has loosened its grip on me, the broader meanings of "appearance, dawn, emergence" seem to always be pertinent for me in late November/December. It has been the month of some of my biggest changes in recent years -- arriving in New York City to sing at St. John the Divine, and in Gloucester to audition for the cathedral choir, for example. This year I sense changes afoot as well; if nothing else, the last few weeks have offered me almost blinding clarity in areas both personal and universal, and you cannot put the genie back in the box. Future decisions will be born of that clarity, which is good.
In a semi-related comment, I just saw something on television about celebrating young women studying STEM (science, technology, engineering and mathematics). I feel such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it is crucial that we women be actively involved in all areas of human endeavor, that we receive the best possible training, and have our accomplishments recognized. If this is a young woman's true passion, I am all for it. On the other hand, the unbalanced focus on science feels like yet another erasure of women like me. The arts, humanities and spirituality have never been valued in our economy; I gather that young men and women of college age are being actively discouraged by families from even studying these fields. I understand. Parents of my generation look at someone like me and shudder, hoping for any other outcome particularly for their daughters. But, of course, there is another answer, and that is to insist on supporting -- not dropping like a hot potato -- the artistically and spiritually creative people in our midst, the creators of beauty and inspiration, the people who offer surprising, colorful, love-filled suggestions for improving the world. The people who "see things differently." Once again, we seem to be creating a "job" need and trying to fill it, rather than looking honestly at each young person's true gifts and giving them the means to pursue those gifts, no matter what they are. There seems to be fear at play here too, as in, "you must enter this kind of field in order to have a job." I just don't know that I will ever understand this way of thinking. It makes me cry to think of a young "me" out there in her teens, knowing (much as I did) that my gifts aren't wanted, and won't adequately get used. And I guess the truth is, it makes me angry. It's just such a waste of precious divine energy.
