All I'll say is that I learned more about love this Christmas than I expected.
En route to Gloucester Cathedral Christmas Eve midnight mass, I fell and ended up having a cast put on my arm rather than singing carols in that glorious space. Medical personnel with Santa caps focused on getting me well cared for, and I felt some feeling of being the babe in the manger myself, if it's OK to say that! And in the ensuing week, I've learned to be more willing than I ever have to receive love, kindness, caring. So many have always been kind, please don't misunderstand me. But it has always been my instinct to jump up, do dishes, clean, and of course be able to at least do my own basic caring. To receive help with even those things is so new. I am profoundly grateful for the beautiful, wise angels and teachers at my side and on this path.
Yesterday I finally got to the cathedral, which has had a lot of scaffolding removed since my last visit. The sun was out, cold but bright. The building's exterior and interior were a bright honey color that I didn't remember. I cried almost nonstop for an hour, seeing the stunning Ivor Gurney, Finzi, Howells, Brewer and Wesley stained glass windows in a lady chapel so warmly beautiful I was transported. A quiet noon said service in the adjacent chapel was accompanied by the background babble of visitors, not the choir, and that was brilliant. The sun poured in the modern blue stained glass window and love was there too. I don't know what it is, but English cathedrals generally, and this one particularly, vibrate at my wavelength. I marvelled at how right it may have been to see the space in the sun, this way.
Life seems so poignant and precious to me right now. I'm trying hard not to look back or forwards. It's rather literally impossible for me to make of this trip what I expected to, so I'm in the moment "big time" and radically letting go. All I'll say is that with events conspiring like this, who needs a new year's resolution?
