It is now five weeks since my fall. I guess from this point forward I'll see my life in terms of "BF" (before the fall) and "AF" (after the fall, despite the religious connotations!) I think within minutes, I knew that I had, in effect, fallen through a gate, but what I am now realizing is that it has already been a succession of spiritual gates, almost as if I were on a Roman road going under archway after archway.
The first was, of course, the fall itself. You are shaken to bits, shocked, realigned, and rendered helpless. One minute you are planning to attend midnight mass, the next you are in the emergency room. Everything has changed. Maybe I'll call it the Gate of Change.
The second I'll call the Gate of the Angels. From that night, when all the doctors and nurses were in Santa hats, to now, everyone around me or on my path seems to have had it as their goal to help me. Perhaps this has been the case earlier in my life more than I realized (so many friends have been my angels!) but this has been a consistent thing and I see it, or more to the point, feel it. It's like the tide of my life seems to have turned around, and is going in the direction of buoying me up. My goodness.
Third has been the Gate of Empathy. I have been so fortunate vis a vis my health. So those first two weeks were so hard. I had bunged up both knees a bit was well as my wrist, and truly was rendered nearly unable to do anything, at least "normally." I was in pain, a bit angry, confused, humiliated. For the first time in my life, I can relate, to my friends who have had cancer or other diseases, my mom who I took care of as she was dying of emphysema, even the men and women on the street with walkers or canes. I am one of them, not looking on.
For the last week or two as you know from my last post, I've gone through the Gate of Vulnerability. I guess all I will add is this sense of wonder, imagining the thousands upon thousands of miles I've walked, run, bicycled, driven, taken buses, trains, planes, subways, ferries, rowed, sailed, and otherwise traversed with few incidents. Now, my courage seems to extend to getting the three blocks to the shops and back. I trust that I will regain a great deal of this day-to-day courage, but it's still early days.
I guess, as corny as it is, I'll refer to the latest gate as the Gate of Love. Have any of my readers watched "Great Canal Journeys," with actors Timothy West and Prunella Scales? They are, of course, the revered British actors who have been married over fifty years and share a love of narrow boating on canals. Scales is suffering from dementia, and the episode I saw this week was so extraordinarily touching. He is probably more aware than she that their time doing this together may be almost over. Their interactions are so poignant, loving, and in the moment. And what amazed me is that I related to them! I never married, have had no such consistent love or rewarding career. I think a few months ago I might have felt pain watching these sweet episodes, but instead, my heart seems to "get it." It made me so happy. Wow, five weeks, five spiritual gates. What will next week bring?!
