For days, I've been trying to articulate what it means to reach 70, what it feels like to reach 70, and other related thoughts. The drafting process has been much harder than I expected. On the one hand, if the span of a life was "threescore years and ten" back in biblical days (Psalm 90), then reaching this milestone in our era should theoretically be "easy-peasy". If 70 is the new 50 (or 40, or whatever), then this should only be a minor blip. And yet...and yet...so many people never make it this far, for a host of reasons, both natural and unnatural. One of my own brothers only lived to 55. Having lived such an uncertain, change-dotted, and unconventional life, I am still amazed that I am here.
It is strange...the last few weeks I have been fearful that something would happen to prevent me from reaching this watershed. This negativity is very unlike me...but I became fixated on the thought that I didn't wish to die in my sixties. So a wave of relief has washed over me this morning. Somehow, despite a whole lot of odds, I have made it this far. It is an immense privilege. I even feel little peeks (and peaks) of joy.
Twenty years ago this summer, I hosted a large 50th birthday party event -- for myself. Having never married or had children, it was the equivalent of a wedding, baby shower, and big birthday bash rolled into one. I lived in a small town, so there were dozens of local people, plus some dear friends from further afield. My dad even came across country for it. It was a Big Deal, and I am proud of having had the nerve to go through with it! And yet my recent review of old photos makes me aware of having been quite a different person back then. I was still uneasy with my true passions (although a friend did make a Goddess-themed cake!), and it was a moment when I still hoped to "make it", somehow, in a more conventional sense. It was fun being the center of attention, but did anyone really understand who I was at my core, even me?!
The energy of today is really, really different. The image I am getting is of a low bar, like a limbo game at a party. I just want to sneak under the bar and get to the other side in one piece, with maybe a low-key lunch out with friends or a big piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. No singing, no presents, no big deal.
In an unrelated aside, I need to say this. I truly, truly do not understand the cruelty we are all seeing right now. I mean, completely do not understand or resonate with it at all. It is horrifying and sickening. Even the slightest iota of pain to any living thing is hard to bear. Yesterday, when I took a shower, I suddenly realized that a large daddy longlegs was struggling near the drain. I am so nearsighted, by the time I tried to "help" him, my efforts basically sealed the deal. He (and some of my hair) had to go into the trash. I was nearly in tears...to inadvertently kill anything so close to my birthday almost did me in.
I try to remind myself that, ultimately, "there is no death in the divine mind" -- for me, for you, for your pets, for any being. Life is eternal. Before "birth" and after "death" we are eternally part of the great stream of life and love passion surging through the universe. As I move through a quiet anniversary, here is my intention for upcoming weeks and months: "This is the chapter of the story where I soar on love's winds -- and love's wings! May this quiet portal bring me to my most powerful 'place', where I am more help to people, the earth, and the Goddess than I have ever been."
