It is intense to hit such a mother lode of unresolved issues and pain, although it is also a relief. The only way to clean out my crevices is to actually see the gunk clogging them up, not to mention clogging up my body and soul. As far as shame goes, I'm a bit ashamed that I have not been able to immediately hold the men and boys' choir tradition in a greater place of love and forgiveness, but at least (to mix metaphors entirely!) pulling the dirty laundry out from the corners helps me to see what needs cleaning...at least I am no longer afraid of facing these stale emotions, or of revealing them to others. This wandering mystic has never been a saint, and this week will be proof!
Having said that, I continue to be encouraged that Gaia is arguably going through this exact same process, in her own way. She is cleaning out the crevices of her body, the places where her own anger and frustration at poor treatment have gotten stuck. She's bringing old gunk to the surface, rolling over, turning things over, cleaning things out -- not to lash out at humanity but simply to wipe the slate clean enough to start anew in this era of higher energies. In a similar way, ultimately, I'm not writing what I have written (or will write) to assess blame or criticism. These constructs are of such long standing that there is no one person to blame! But up until now, I could perhaps protect myself by avoiding dealing with certain pain and shame...now avoidance will only weigh me down. The time to fully feel is now.
The other thing I am trying to remember is that, from a Goddess perspective, my journey was perfect. From the perspective of trying to discover and embody values that are the utter opposite of those in our current paradigm, my journey was perfect. It was natural that I tried so hard to engage with that paradigm in the way that would have been most fulfilling for me, and natural too that my passion and talent being consistently blocked was so devastating. But when I gaze at the lifetime of experience from Her eyes, I completely get why it was the way it was. No, I don't want to use that to gloss over a lode of anger. I dearly need cleaning and healing. But it does take a little of the edge off.
Incidentally, I'm having a harder time walking through my emotions around the apparent crash of space junk into the moon. It's like, it's exactly the same kind of disrespect. Ugh.
This is an intense time. If it becomes intense personally, then the "only way out is through", right?
