Actually, my almost 50-year-old Concise Oxford Dictionary offers -- as the last definition for the noun "skein" -- "tangle" and "confusion". Interesting. So, a "tangled tangle", the definition of that being "confused mass of intertwined threads etc." You get the picture.
This weekend offered me three opportunities to try to further untangle the mess of threads that I keep thinking is fully sorted out, but evidently isn't! And because this must be the kind of inner work other women are doing as they near the age of 70, I have to talk about it...again. The overarching question? "What passions are genuinely mine, and what are interests or paths that I took in order to adapt to the world of men? Did I even have the skills to potentially make it in the world of the English organist-choirmaster (or choral singer) if it had been open to me?" This is ground I have covered, but obviously not completely put to rest.
On Saturday, an American opera star was interviewed on public radio. I missed part of the conversation, but toward the end, he was asked, if someone has a dream that has gone off-target for any reason, what would you recommend? He said, basically, keep working hard on the relevant skills and alert to opportunities to use them. I spent a good hour trying to figure out if this would have worked in my case. I was a talented organist, hymn accompanier, and choral singer, when I gave it all up in the early 1980's. Even then, I knew I still had a chance of making it as an organist at a mid-level American church, and possibly from there I might have been better placed in the early 2000's to respond effectively to the changes starting to happen in the English church music world. But in the end, playing the organ was not my primary passion; singing choral evensong was. That dream was undercut from the get-go. The emotional toll -- the headwind -- of "you'll never be part of this world" was debilitating. I never got beyond the wave action of "Maybe this work will pay off"/"Maybe this is pointless, I give up". Connection was at my core, perhaps because of being female...I wanted to be part of a community (a "choir", metaphorically or literally), more than I wanted personal success.
Sunday morning on public radio's "Pipe Dreams", Michael Barone featured a "Renaissance man" British organist/choirmaster/composer/improvisor who, at age 60, is clearly (and deservedly) at the top of his game. Of course, he started out as a cathedral chorister, and moved up the ladder from there. For the second time in two days, I was faced with a look into a skewy mirror. The reality is that, at my peak, I never even tried organ improvisation or composed more than a few 70's era atonal college compositions. By the standards of the field, despite having a University of London MMus, I truly am a nobody. It makes me feel slightly better to know that, still, so few women have succeeded in this field. But this rather bruised and battered older American woman needs to make genuine peace with all of this now, if I am to last even a few more years!
Saturday evening, I watched about ten minutes of the Giants-Eagles game. Whether it was the hour, or the absurd number of commercials, or the fact that I had a feeling the Giants would lose (they did, spectacularly!), I didn't last long. Clearly I don't share my dad's passion for the Giants or football, but I think I am free enough now of that particular knotted thread to turn the TV on -- or off.
An oracle card I picked yesterday gave me a wonderful perspective. Basically, it said, look ahead 10,000 years and focus on what you can do to prepare for those times. It helped me realize that what matters most going forward is the woman's wisdom I nurtured as I tried to untangle the patriarchal threads (and bindings) of this era. Reflected in that mirror, I look far less unsuccessful. And it helps me to focus on "wisdom" as my primary talent going forward. It's time to lay down the old standards of achievement and validity that have left me so knotted up, if for no other reason than that they probably won't be valid too much further into the future.
