It has taken nearly a decade, but I think I can finally say with some honesty that I am thankful for having had the kind of father I had, the kind that could not love -- not even himself, I dare say. His only interest was himself and his own comfort, but I don't think there was even a tiny thread connecting him to any kind of genuine Love.
Why is this something to be thankful for, when it was the catalyst for so much pain and confusion? I think it is because I finally realize that without that experience, I wouldn't understand so many things going on around me, nearby and on the world stage. When you have spent a lifetime unsuccessfully trying to change someone, or get them to at least see you, it's a little easier to accept that there are other people and situations similarly impossible to budge, similarly impervious to love.
Examples of non-Love seem to be becoming more and more frequent, and more and more spectacular. If it hadn't been for my dad, I might have gotten locked into fighting mode -- it helped me understand that there is another option, manifesting the contrasting spectacular energy of love/beauty/understanding/harmony, and letting other energies fall away.
Overall, I have become more of a thankful person these last few years. Whether it is age, COVID, or higher levels of wisdom, I don't know, but I find myself spontaneously thanking the Goddess for everything from walking safely to the bus stop, to finding what I was looking for at the store, to hearing from an old friend, to the correct working of my body (!) Seriously! I was able to walk safely up a flight of stairs? Thank the Goddess. My shoulder hurts? Thank the Goddess that for nearly 68 years it never hurt! I'm living where there is a working washing machine? Thank the Goddess...you get the picture. I wasn't always able to live in a consistent place of gratitude, but now that I've finally got to that neighborhood, thank the Goddess. It's one of those spiritual lessons you can read about in books until the proverbial cows come home, but until you hit the "mother lode" within yourself, it doesn't matter. To whoever is reading this, I am thankful for you, and hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving!
