The title of this post will make sense in a minute. Thanks for bearing with me...
So, I had a big moment about a month ago, in early December, which I am pretty sure got lost in the shuffle. I looked in the mirror one morning, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I fully accepted myself. I thought I was beautiful, and I loved myself. And somehow, in that moment, I also realized it was the first time in my life that I was looking at myself 100% through the eyes of the Goddess. There was a completely different energy to the experience. Feminist art historians talk about the "male gaze" in so much painting and sculpture; how much of that is present when all women look in the mirror? I think in the past, my mirror reflected dissatisfaction, judgment, ugliness, even complete invisibility.
Interestingly enough, within the week, I was coming down with COVID. I don't know that I even looked in the mirror, knowing I felt miserable and probably looked the same way. I didn't have the energy for two weeks to do much more (as you know from what I wrote!) than listen to classical music radio and read (yes!) my regency romance novels by Mary Balogh, most of which I have read multiple times.
Several times as I read, I broke down and cried. The most common thread involved orphan children. In the first passage, a woman said that all children need to know that someone in the world cares about them above all else. This triggered tears because I simply don't think it has happened to me in this lifetime, starting in my childhood. (And the truth is, I am not sure I have felt the same about anyone else...) The second plot involves a young woman who starts caring for an orphaned newborn baby...I cried because I love babies, but in this lifetime, I have only held small babies for a few minutes, perhaps half-a-dozen times. I cannot believe that it has taken me this long in either case -- a lifetime of suppressed sadness -- but finally I cried. I won't go so far as to say that upper respiratory illness is "just" that, but if I were a doctor, I would certainly add "going home and having a good cry" to the prescription!
There is more to say about all this, I know, but I guess I'll stop here for today. There is a connection between the three events -- opening up my heart to loving myself, getting royally sick, and crying decades of unshed tears. As rocky as this journey continues to be, I am so very thankful to the Goddess for excuses to delve deeper and feel more.
