On my dresser, I have an image of Stonehenge. The focus of the picture is one of the archways...two vertical stones topped by a lintel. And this image has become my meditation focus in recent days. Well, to be truthful, I don't meditate for long, but I guess it is more accurate to say I check in with this portal every morning. I've used the word portal a number of times in this blog, and the one I am standing in right now seems particularly important, perhaps the crucial one in this lifetime.
Behind me is the "landscape" of war, fear, conflict, division, competition, flashy superficiality, duality...you name it. Our world as it currently is. It is a landscape I've been spectacularly inept at navigating. This winter's twin quarantines of COVID and frigid cold became an almost literal portal; in the relative safety of the archway, I've deeply felt decades of trauma, confusion, disappointment, fear. When you have time to think, it is quite overwhelming how much violence we are all immersed in every moment of every day...and even putting actual violence aside, I've become more and more aware of how we older women are pushed away and left for dead, be it in society generally, in war zones or on television (I don't know what I hate worse, the bedridden older women with incontinence problems, or the weapon-wielding younger superwomen!) On the bus the other day, the lady across from me was clearly completely homeless. She tried to catch my eye, and I am ashamed to say I looked away, not because I wanted to pretend she wasn't there but because she was me, essentially, and it was terrifying. Similar things happen on the bus all the time, but I was particularly fragile that day and, thus, particularly closed-hearted. In my own way, I, too, am holding on for dear life and it was hard to look in the mirror. I hope to see her again someday soon, because I would like to apologize or at least exchange greetings with her. Acknowledge that of the Goddess within her.
Ahead of the portal where I am standing is the contrasting landscape I keep talking about and trying to define, a landscape I am ready to experience -- one that values the divine feminine and the earth, as well as love, beauty, harmony, and peace. One where each step comes easily, almost miraculously. One where love is the only "currency" and the only "current". One where, if you are capable of love, you are at home. At almost-68, the time has come. As I step beyond the portal into this beautiful new landscape, I really cannot import any of my past disappointments, or "Plan B" thinking, or referencing of male history or power, or waffling, or uncertainty. Both feet must come with me into the new (metaphorical) landscape, or movement forward simply won't happen. I must completely, completely trust the Goddess, my own process, and my own intuition. Not (necessarily) so that I won't become the lady on the bus, but so that I will finally become the fullest possible manifestation of all my divine gifts.
