My Two Questions

I was too young to take part in the student protests of the late 1960's -- I was, what?, twelve or thirteen. Me being me, I doubt whether I would have taken part even if I had been older, just as I doubt I will do so now. As it has turned out, my whole life has been a "protest" of sorts, since I haven't been able to operate in a duality-driven way in even the most mundane areas of life. Of course, I'd like to think that it was less a "protest against" the way things are than "an effort to find a new way of operating". 

Having said that, after last week, I can hardly say I don't understand or experience anger. As you know, I uncovered a layer of it toward my dad that had been buried for a long time. Yet in the succeeding days, the process has moved rather quickly, first into almost unbearable grief: when you don't experience love or protection as a child, even the most superficial examples of parental (particularly a father's) love seem like something from another planet. What would it be like to be cared for? What would it be like to have your father protect you or unconditionally love or support you? What would it be like for him to take care of you before taking care of himself? What would it feel like to be seen, or deemed worthy of genuine (and appropriate) affection?

Then the process moved on rather quickly again, to the reminder that I've crossed over an invisible line into a world where there are only two questions. 

• Is this what the Goddess would want, or how She would operate?
• Is this Love?

My dad, bless him, was a "no" on both counts, and no amount of outside persuasion or protest or confrontation ever brought him into a different place. It was (and will undoubtedly be, perhaps for lifetimes to come) traumatizing, demoralizing, obliterating, and literally dis-heartening. And yet, in this new Goddess place I'm at, how he operated is also, arguably, completely irrelevant. I can choose to no longer have him as my primary reference point. He could not have changed, but I can (and apparently, have!)

In these times, everyone has their own set of questions and moral guidance. It's interesting that the earlier protests came when people were singing songs like "The Age of Aquarius", and these current protests can be said to be happening as we enter that Age. Hmm...