Over these last few months, I have felt more abandoned by the Goddess than I have at any other time in years. I mean, I think abandonment is my main painful trigger in this lifetime, and this recent transition has brought it to the surface big time. Fortunately, it hasn't left me completely panicked because I know that this happens to mystics. A divine "radio station" may get static-y from time to time. When you are faced with moving from a rather stable situation, packing and getting boxes into storage, buying travel tickets, etc., your attention is forced outward in a way you aren't used to. Where am I going? Will it work out? I search the horizon for directional signs, and the skies for messenger hawks. And arriving at this new (although very old) destination, I have had to relearn the lay of the physical landscape, remember which roads are which, and try to discern if this is, indeed, my final destination, or just a stopping point.
I suddenly realized this morning that to a large extent, I have fallen back on a more traditional male god model, visualizing the Goddess being outside of me, praying to Her, asking Her for guidance, etc. Just yesterday, I all but begged Her to help me see the right path forward. This morning, my oracle card was "Mountain/strength", and my brain immediately defaulted to Psalm 95, where the strength of the hills is "his also". And of course, from Psalm 121, "I will lift mine eyes to the hills, from whence cometh my help." The concept that we need to look outside us for help is so very ingrained, isn't it? That our "salvation" (religious, political, economic, or other) is an outside factor, high above us, which we may not always be able to control. I think intellectually, I've understood for years that the Goddess is within me (not floating on a cloud in the sky), and yet my Anglican roots are still strong. Those psalms (sung to Anglican chant) flow through my bloodstream, like sap through a mother tree. And that is OK. I would be a very different representative of the Goddess without that unique factor. It is what makes me, me.
Traveling around this sprawling upstate NY urban/suburban area, you almost always see hills and mountains in the distance (the foothills of four mountain ranges, the Adirondacks, the Catskills, the Green Mountains, and the Berkshires). For the first time in my life, I'm finding that I love the sight. Right now, I think it may be a good thing for me not to be living near a vast body of water like Lake Superior or Lake Champlain. Those experiences deeply nurtured my soul at certain moments, but may have prevented grounding. The text to my "mountain" card basically speaks of being the mountain. It is a moment to re-acknowledge the strength within me, and the Goddess within me. I am the Goddess. I am the mountain. I am a being of strength and wisdom. The "hills" are within. My feet touch the ground, and my head is in the clouds! Listening within, I will hear Her when She speaks. Looking within, I will "find" Her, although She never left. I was called on this pilgrimage, and can trust Her timing and knowledge of the bigger picture of how it is all meant to work out. And as I get ever more aligned, it will become more a case of not needing to actively listen or look at all! Guidance will be so automatic that there's barely a time or space lag involved.
