Well, I guess no matter what role you play in this world, you have to laugh at (or with) yourself from time to time. When you are a mystic, it can be hard -- you take yourself, the world, and spirituality so very seriously, but when there's a chink in your armor, and you see certain things clearly, you have to laugh. I mean, really.
So, I keep writing about gravitating to love and harmony, compassion and community, no matter what. That this is the way of the Goddess. The other day, I actually found myself in an environment unusually well-characterized by these qualities, and what happened? Rather than being thrilled, I found myself stiffening up, becoming more uptight than usual, more aloof, less open than most of the people around me. Now I don't know for sure whether this particular group has the potential to be "my tribe" -- that remains to be seen -- but in the hours after the event, I mulled over why I had responded that way. I've tended to be on the outside looking in in so many situations, the new person in a community, the stranger; changing that perspective on a dime simply may not be possible. And snobbery remains my worst failing. It's no longer based on what it might have been based on earlier in my life (a socio-economic/ethnic group that I never really belonged to, or understood, anyway); now it could be said to be more a case of the snobbery of solitude. I think I carry a belief that being so alone (a mystic and "anchoress") has made me too different from others to really join current-paradigm groups anywhere. There may also be an element of underlying distrust -- I have experienced too many masks of "niceness" over the years that covered up less positive qualities. I'm literally scared of clowns, and masked balls, and Halloween, after all! And perhaps I push away before I can be pushed?
Interestingly enough, within 24 hours, I actually discovered another organization online that seems to align with the qualities I'm talking about, and yet after a few minutes of excitement, I felt the same stiffness take over. And when I went back to look for the specific page the next day, I couldn't find it! Again, should I laugh or cry?!
So "tribe" keeps slipping through my fingers, whether due to my own conflicted energy or events outside myself. But the third part of this story has a somewhat happier ending. This morning, somehow, in spite of it all, I was able to claim that central place where England, English church music, and the Goddess overlap. I realized that no matter how many or few people may also inhabit this place, this is my home. In that sense, no one can take "home" away from me. Spending 95% of my life in another "place" doesn't invalidate it. Whether I have a tribe or not doesn't invalidate it. People not understanding me doesn't invalidate it. Those are my core passions, my primary Goddess-given gifts. And for the shortest moment in time, literally two or three minutes, I truly celebrated myself, and laughed for joy. What an incredible ride it has been! And what a novel experience, to laugh for joy, not "at" myself or other humorous situations!
