Not surprisingly, after Wednesday's powerful spiritual release and writing yesterday's account of it, I have been a bit like a deer in the headlights. In a daze. A lifelong struggle takes your attention every single day, even when you "fight back" by saying, "my life will not be about this any more" and you search and search for other passions and foci. The energy of struggle gets into your bones, into your cells and organs, and saps your joy...dropping my burden into the metaphorical water has, I think, really happened, and at least temporarily my physical energy level has dropped substantially. I didn't sleep particularly well last night, and the news gets ever more dire, adding to the sense of being drained.
I don't, yet, see the sparkle on the water, or feel its energetic equivalent in my heart. Nothing could possibly happen that instantaneously, I guess! The harmonic imprint of "my" music lifted me quite high in childhood, and I suspect my soul's unique radio wave hasn't fallen because of dropping my burden. What was shifting all those years was expectations about how, where or whether to express that radio wave. What was a "burden" was not finding a permanent way to harmonize these sounds in a manner that would satisfy me and perhaps help humanity. It was never finding a workable role. It feels very strange to release that intention. But it is also relief. I'm tired. In a time of such enormous change, perhaps the Goddess needs something else from me. Perhaps I've outgrown something, and it's time for something bigger. I don't know yet.
So for a few days, I need to let myself be in this lull. I need to try not to look for the replacement for the burden I've let go of. If any of you are going through a similar process, please know that you are not alone. There has to be a quiet pivot point for mystics undergoing change, even if, not surprisingly, the outside world doesn't work that way!
