After listening to one of my peeps online yesterday, I gather that another "symptom" of the ascension process is having, in effect, moments from your life flashing before your eyes, at least metaphorically. Last Saturday, this happened to me quite intensively. It's happened once or twice over the last few years, but this was different...almost like a strange, daylong, surreal movie. Part of what is odd is that the scenes were largely of my life in smaller-town America, not my time in the UK, or in New York City or DC. Things like interviewing for a waitressing job in Duluth, and being hired because I had "personality plus". Taking the small bus from where I was living in Helena, Montana (the YWCA) to Walmart to shop...the bus did a constant loop, but that was basically the only place on the route to get food or clothing. Driving from Essex, New York to Middlebury, Vermont (or back again) by a certain barn that stuck out on the horizon. Back to Duluth, practicing with the rowing club on the bay early in the morning, when the moon was setting and the sun was rising...and so forth. Saturday was literally a stream of these kinds of random, unremarkable memories, not the momentous ones. Sometimes I still wish that my life had been filled with dreams come true, regular opportunities to sing choral evensong in the UK, visits to top museums and restaurants, and a normal home, husband and children, lovely clothing...a lot of stars would have to have aligned for this to happen, including my being more in sync with our capitalist system! These lowkey memories may be the ones I feel most bittersweet about, too, even though I now understand that, as a mystic, it might have been impossible for me to have a "normal" life anywhere. In a movie of my life, perhaps they would be the quiet segue scenes. Given what I have been writing about the last few times, I guess the best way to approach these vignettes is with curiosity. "I wonder why I am remembering these events and moments right now?"
Another symptom? After a lifetime of passion for English church music and England generally, on this second or third day of passion's disappearance, I am struggling to find a thread of enthusiasm for any aspect of my life at all...it's not depression exactly. Not yet. But it's like the floor has dropped out of my world. I mean, I know that this is what many of us are going through, a complete re-assessment of everything, less of a willingness to accept lower energies that have dragged us down, or the aspects of our life that will not be useful in the future. This is a lull in the action, a pivot point, and we need to keep breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Updated ways of expressing my inner life passion are near, but not here yet. And because so much is shifting, I cannot "look for a new way of being" with my left brain logic. I need to stay focused within, and feel when that little curlicue of excitement breaks through my consciousness. (When, not if!)
The strange thing is, I am antsy as heck, and feel ready to go, but with no idea where or to do what! So I'll keep breathing, and be where I am until I know.
