But exhausted from a week of nose-blowing, a new tsunami has washed over me, and I have had nowhere to hide. Underneath the detachment, the bemusement, the poise, the amusement, has been anger, pure and simple. Fury. 62 full years of it.
As I told you the other week, I understand now that at birth, I was emotionally sent off to a black hole in "outer space," which is the only way I can describe it. It set in place a pattern, of Little Lizzie, spinning up and away from families, jobs, housing situations, careers. I've been everybody's "adjunct," on the far edge of other people's lives and work. Yes, I did everything I could to return into the heart of things, the heart of "home," but it's like a glass wall separated me. No one could hear me. My thoughtful insights were rejected, my most beautiful singing wasn't audible, my artwork wasn't visible, my knocking at the door wasn't answered. The more I spun around, the less visible I was. And of course, the more fully I came into my own outside the paradigm in place, the more fully I have been pushed back as not fitting in.
I finally feel it. This hurts. It hurt in 1956, it has hurt over and over again over the years, and it still hurts now. I finally feel my anger. Yes, some of it is "anger at" certain people and situations, and I'm also kind of mad at myself, at how long I endured being rootless, an "adjunct" this and a "paraprofessional" that. Why didn't I understand sooner that there was some core dynamic at work here? Yet ultimately, the issue is love, and how desperately awful it feels not to be able to access it. I, who talk about it all the time and have loved some things so passionately, really have had little experience of love being unconditionally returned so I could feel connected to the world. (Thank the goddess for a few dear, exceptional friends.)
This anger is waking me up. It makes me realize that what I want from my rebirth isn't so much a new me. I pretty much know who I am (although this anger piece is certainly a new wrinkle!) I am OK with who I am. But what I need in this rebirth is to have it happen among people who will welcome me, no holds barred. It's not just about hearing the words, "Thank goodness you are here. We love you. We need you here for the foreseeable future, with every iota of your wisdom and talent. Don't hold anything back." I need to feel the energy of unconditional love and cherishing long enough to get a better start this time. This time, I will not be that "goddamned granddaughter." I must be "that extraordinary, irreplaceable woman who we love so much." It is time to be the powerful engine living at the very heart of my own life. It is time to exist in my own right, an adjunct no more.
