"Narcissism and Me." What a perfect example of "res ipsa loquitur" / "The thing speaking for itself", eh?
Seven or eight years ago, I finally came to understand that extreme narcissism has been at play in my family my whole life. It was a mystery I had been trying to "solve" for decades (I come by my interest in reading/watching who-done-its naturally!), but, as you can imagine, there was no satisfaction when I finally reached the "aha!" moment. More like horror, revulsion. The years since then have been especially turbulent. It was not enough to distance myself from my family and the part of the U.S. that I associate most with my family. The pendulum has swung wildly between lighthearted joking about the topic and shame-filled embarrassment. In this blog, as in my friendships, I guess I hoped I could skate on the thin ice of only the occasional vague reference, and move forward. Yet, of course, that rarely works, does it? Especially in northern Minnesota, people who skate on thin ice usually fall in.
Deep down, I believe my higher self chose this reality for this lifetime, a form of training that I would need to completely reach my potential. It sounds paradoxical, doesn't it? But think of it this way. Being raised in the household of a father completely incapable of loving or caring gave me valuable insight into the difference between love and "not-love". I know "not-love" to the core of my being, and, indeed, cannot escape the probability that I am somewhere on that spectrum myself. Pretty low on the spectrum, I hope (I am capable of huge passion for English church music, England, animals, art, and the Goddess, at least). Still, it is the "school" that I had my first lessons in, and which may be the primary influence on my life and even my evolving beliefs. I have finally reached the point where I must look at the topic as clearly as possible, as honestly as possible, and as fearlessly as possible, for my own sake as well as for my readers and friends. It is a reality experienced by countless people around the world, both in personal relationships and in the wider political, economic and societal spheres. Narcissism is out there. If my attempt to make sense of it helps even a handful of people, it is worth it for me to proceed.
So, over the next few posts, that's where I am going. Goddess give me the strength and courage. If it has ever been hard to hit "publish", it will be more so now!
