I've decided that I'll write a total of three more posts about my experience with narcissism, and then move on for now. The whole thing about narcissism is that it is a giant black hole, a bottomless pit (or whatever metaphor you care to use). I don't want to skate over thin ice and try to ignore its influence, but I also don't want to get stuck in the muck.
Another thing to mention here: I am a writer, an artist, a musician, a feminist, a mystic, and someone with a strong interest in the scope of history (and our potential futures). I am not a physician, psychologist, theologian, scientist, politician, economist, or diplomat. I have done relatively little non-fiction reading over the years, except in areas like metaphysics, women's and "New Age" spirituality, English culture and history, and art. I have no expertise in most arenas except through personal experience. That in itself may be self-centered. But as a woman in a largely male construct, I have had to struggle daily just to figure out who I am and what I think, and this is the only way I can be fairly clear about the integrity of my opinions. I'll always try to acknowledge an outside source of an idea if I can remember where I got it!
About fifteen years ago, I decided I wanted to do several large paintings depicting key moments in my life. Having normally painted small -- I had no studio -- I just wanted to break out. I bought four or five large panels, and got started. The first one was the only one I finished before my unsettled life caught up with me, and having no place to store the canvases, everything went to the dump. But that first painting depicted me as a small child wearing a blue dress, with golden curls and blue eyes, knocking on the door of this huge castle. The implication was, of course, that no one was coming to the door, that I wasn't welcome inside the castle that was my family.
This morning as I was struggling to figure out how to address this topic, the image came back to me. But I'll expand on it to suggest that a narcissistic entity (person, family, institution, whatever) is like a locked, moated castle, and the inside walls of the castle are mirrored. The "king" (and of course it can be a woman, or a group of people) and his followers only ever see themselves, and the mirror image of themselves, in a closed loop of experience. Sure, there are guards up on the battlements. And if you are outside the castle for whatever reason (basically, you are of "different stuff" than the people inside), it doesn't matter what you do to try to get their attention. You can knock, plead, write heartfelt letters, dance, sing, show them art or other accomplishments...it doesn't matter. You will never, ever, interest them. The only way to catch their eye is to actively attack, do something that threatens their status quo. And then and only then do they notice you, and they will fight back -- and probably win.
In that case, why even try to get into the castle? Well, if it is your family, or the one and only field you care about, or the only game in town economically, or whatever, it is human nature. We want to be within the castle walls. We want to be protected, loved, accepted, part of the crowd, doing work that satisfies and connects us to community. But there is that awful moment where you realize that to enter the gates, you will have to be something you are not. You will have to spend your life centered around "the king", and that isn't an option. The only way to be genuinely "you" is to camp out on the fringes.
Most of my life I was the little figure outside the family gates, tap-dancing and waving and helping and doing whatever it took to connect in some small way. My dad was often a smiling, placid presence, sitting in his chair, drinking his "old fashioneds", not connecting to anyone. I still have almost post-traumatic stress when I see those original smiling emojis, they remind me so much of him! I accomplished organ recitals and college degrees and travel, and even a corporate job in a window office without eliciting a word of pride or love or genuine caring -- only once, at my 50th birthday party, did I ever hear Dad say nice things about me. (The same might have happened sooner if I had ever gotten married, but he had told me when I was about 20 never to get married because he couldn't afford a wedding! I still hope that isn't the reason I stayed single...)
In the early '80's, I made the fateful mistake of attacking the status quo, although I didn't fully realize what I was doing. I told my parents that I had started therapy, and was attending ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings. My mother burst into tears, and my normally smiling father went utterly ballistic. How dare I be so disloyal to the family? Look what I was doing to my mother! I was killing her! When I tried to explain that it was important for me to understand all these things before moving forward in my life, Dad essentially told me I was disowned, and that I needed to leave immediately. Now, they didn't have a cent to their name, so this isn't disowning in that sense. When Dad died, I "inherited" $725, which was frankly more than I expected. It was being disinherited in the sense of, the cannonball flattening you so that you will never come to their door again.
Now, silly me, I kept trying over and over again for another thirty years to stagger up to the door and try to gain entrance. And when I could be of some practical "help", I sometimes got a foot in the door. Finally, about a year before my dad died, I gave up. I understood just enough about narcissism at that point to realize that all my efforts had ultimately come to naught, and it was time to let go.
Of course, the damage was done. This dynamic has played out in almost all areas of my life, and I also see it playing out in our world. Life outside the castle is excruciatingly hard on body and soul. And it's nearly impossible to survive too far from those castle walls, so you end up in a bizarre limbo. Whether you stay alone or connect with other outsiders, life is "catch-as-catch-can". But at least you are free; your eyes and soul are free to look outwards or move as far as your courage will take you.
