As this week draws to a close, there are literally dozens of possible world and national events to talk about. But I've decided to draw on every ounce of courage that I have, and publish a list I wrote in my handwritten journal on March 31. I hadn't planned to do so, feeling it was too personal, but there's the problem. For over six decades I have locked most of my passions, gifts and best qualities within me...Now, as I have said before, I literally have nothing, so I have nothing to lose. I have no employer, no investments, no permanent home, and no significant others. It is uncertain when I might be able to return to England, and if I do, I don't envision being able to start a career in English church music. (At this point, I can barely sing at all.) I've reached the point where, if "the true me" irritates people or prevents me from future "success", that's just how it's going to have to be.
So...what prompted the list? I have been listening to a series of academic lectures this winter, basically at the PhD or post-doc level. Occasionally the academic jargon was a bit over my head, but overall, I loved it! My brain loved it. I was like a sponge soaking up water. That is what started this personal journal post, which I will present largely as is:
March 31, 2022
"...I think the reason I felt energized and elated yesterday afternoon was the fact that I was embracing the fact of my extremely high intelligence, my 'Genius IQ'. I mean, that is yet another thing that I collaborated with the world to try to snuff out. I'm going to list the 10 most important facets of who I am [it turned out to be a Baker's dozen of 13]:
- I am a passionate woman!
- My passion for English church music/musical skills
- Passion for England itself
- Passion for the Goddess/Her values
- Extremely high IQ - intelligence
- Extremely high wisdom quotient, visionary
- My upper crust WASP heritage/aristocracy
- My belief that capitalism is unhealthy
- My outspoken feminism
- My ability to write and speak truthfully and be vulnerable
- My artistic vision and skills, love of beauty
- My capacity to love
- I am a homebody and a contemplative
If you think of it, every single one of these traits, either "the world" tried to snuff out, or my family or friends subtly were uncomfortable with (and/or I actively tried to downplay so others wouldn't feel intimidated) or were reasons I didn't get jobs, or scared me...or...
If and when I am fully me, I am "terrifying". Our culture hasn't got a "place" for someone like me. That is why I am "homeless"...
...Every single one of these truths make me who I am! They are the traits the Goddess gave me in this lifetime. In my own agony and discomfort around just about all of them, I wasn't true to her. I didn't honor her. I saw me through the eyes of a male God and hated myself. I was terrified of myself. I disempowered myself.
I "confess" these things. I don't think in this lifetime in this culture I could have done any differently, but I acknowledge this state of affairs to the Goddess. I want Her to know that I recognize my part in not up to now fully embracing the woman She created me to be. I want her to know that -- at the risk of being perceived as the kind of narcissist that is my family heritage -- I celebrate all these qualities from this moment forward.
So, there you go. It's powerful, so, of course, that's why it was so scary to publish. There have to be women and men out there with lists of their own, afraid to let the world know who they really are. But with homes being flattened by tornados, fires, and wars, and lives being changed overnight by disease and the economy, there's no time like the present, is there?
It's interesting. In addition to trying to hide the qualities I was criticized for (or thought I would be criticized for), there are several huge, challenging paradoxes. I've spoken often about the difficulties I've had reconciling the Goddess with church music, so I'll leave that for now. But the other huge one is reconciling my inner Dowager Countess of Grantham with my total lack of belief in the validity of capitalism (or communism for that matter!) I mean, stately homes, all the furnishings, staff, grounds, etc. -- not to mention all the Western world's great art and music -- would not exist without the economic underpinnings of capitalism, as it grew over the last 500-plus years. It is in part because of my inability to bear that system that I've lived as I have, that my wardrobe consists of a handful of items from big box stores, that I've never owned property, etc. So how to explain the fact that the environments I feel most comfortable in are, truly, stately homes, cathedrals, major art museums, and the like? In the "Upstairs, Downstairs" of life, I am Upstairs. What I wouldn't give to live in that environment (and wear those clothes!) even for just one day! Talk about a truth you want to hide from the world. But somewhere in there must be a gift of leadership and nobility that I am meant to use, perhaps in a different form. Lordy.
What's your Baker's Dozen? Just write them down in your journal, and silently embrace them. It will change your life. To finally be able to say, "This is me, and I love her" is a complete rebirth.
