Yesterday helped me realize the extent to which the COVID time has been anxiety-provoking...or perhaps brought up anxieties that I've previously been too successful pushing under the surface.
A friend and I made plans to attend a dance performance that was scheduled last evening down on the Lakewalk. It genuinely appealed, being near the water, watching people move in beauty. But the planning of this rather modest outing brought on a host of anxieties. When I have had a car, I've always been an excellent driver and great at planning trips (short and long) and figuring out whatever had to be figured out on the road or getting from Point A to Point B. But this long car-free stretch of years has made me frustratingly dependent; not being in control in a downtown crowded with people gathering for the postponed fireworks sent my brain's planning muscles into overdrive, even though, ultimately, my input was not needed at all! My friend found the perfect parking space only about two blocks from the event. For the first time ever, I was anxious over the potential for violence in the streets, but thankfully that was unfounded. The other thing was my old-ladyishness, carrying a tote bag with a snack, flashlight (in case it got dark!), extra jacket and scarf (much needed near still-frigid Lake Superior), bottle of water, and, of course, a mask, which I wore in the tightly-packed crowd. I was one of the few...most of this was simply sensible life-in-the-north-country kind of stuff, but I felt like my grandmother reincarnated!
What a relief it was, then, when the dance performances started. I am not a dancer. I took one or two ballet classes back in my late teens and early twenties (when I was slimmer) and essentially the teachers dissuaded me from moving forward. I am just simply not "in my body" enough to be successful. So watching dancers both young and somewhat older move so beautifully and with such agility to beautiful music, as the sun was setting over a deep blue lake, was heavenly. My brain turned off for an hour. I couldn't stop smiling. There was "flow" all around me, from the waves on the lake, to the beautifully-choreographed expression of the dancers, to the constant running around of the small children in the crowd. It was life. Unstoppable life. Unstoppable dances. All anxieties melted away. Thank the Goddess.
