It occurred to me that what I said last time -- about the spread of mass shootings changing my reading and TV watching -- could possibly make it seem like I am trivializing the shootings and their effect on society, individuals and families. That isn't the case. In fact, I find all these events utterly horrifying, as I do all forms of violence, including war. It literally breaks my heart.
I mean, there's a point where you are so "nonviolent" that you don't even like that term, since it contains the word "violence" and implies opposition to violence. The term itself, then, is very mildly violent. On some level that I don't even fully understand, I've come to see most forms of struggle, protest, opposition, competition -- even unarmed -- as too "violent", and not unified in the way I think we will need to operate as the future unfolds. It implies duality, one side v. another.
So what I was getting at (and I'll leave the previous post as is for now) is that, when you are too "nonviolent" to "fight" the upsetting trends in our world, the only thing left to change is yourself. That has led to constantly scanning my own life, to see ways in which I act violently, think violently, or "consume" violent or conflict-rich entertainment or pastimes.
The first two, I am pretty sure have not been part of my life, although I guess I will always need to stay alert to the possibility. It's been completely frustrating, trying to operate in a world that is largely on such a different wavelength from me, and I know that at times, frustration has equated anger, or brought me close to the potential for anger, particularly in my words. But actual violence? Hurting other people? I know on occasion I've wanted to express my own hurt, but I have no conscious memory of ever having deliberately wanted to cause others any pain, physically or emotionally. I hope I haven't, anyway, and I hope that I would have the courage to own it if I did...
So my biggest "relationship" to conflict has been in the area of entertainment, and there is where actual change is clearly happening. I used to enjoy watching pro football. My dad was a NY Giants fan, and I became knowledgeable about the sport in order to have something to share with him. In the 70's and 80's, I knew more about the teams and watched more games in the fall than any of my female friends. But in the last ten years, it has reached the point where I cannot stand football any more. It's men violently tackling each other, and there is nothing enjoyable about that. I grew up playing tennis, and until very recently, I loved watching the major events: French Open, Wimbledon, U.S. Open. But now, I find even tennis matches too painful to watch. Those 100-mph serves almost look like bullets. Singing competitions like "The Voice" are great in the early stages, but once the contestants are pitted against one another, I don't watch any more. I can still tolerate "Jeopardy", in part because at my age, I need to keep challenging my brain. But a year from now...?
And it's not like any of this is a conscious choice, as in, "I'm going to stop reading certain kinds of books, or watching certain TV shows or movies". A number of months ago, I took some murder mysteries out of the library, made my way a few pages into one of the books, and just went, ugh. I tried another, and the same thing happened. So it isn't a boycott or protest. The energetic match simply is no longer there. And I'm further than ever from understanding why any human being picks up a gun, for any reason. It's a little scary to realize that I'm even struggling with public television staples about history, antiques, and genealogy, because war inevitably factors into them. I honor the people who served in the military, but I just can no longer "embrace" guns, uniforms, and death.
Well, that's enough for today. I guess all of this is the inevitable discomfort of moving into new spiritual territory. I'm trying to come up with a better word or phrase for "nonviolent", and I'll check in when I come up with one.
