I woke up this morning oddly at peace, with myself and the world. And this held (or perhaps in a way was enhanced by) having pulled the "Crone" card from my "Motherpeace" deck. I don't like the label "crone" any more than I like "hag" (despite Sharon Blackie's excellent book, Hagitude!) As with "non-violence", I wish there were a better term. Maybe simply "wise older woman"? Anyway...
Every time I post, I hope that my essays are food for thought for my handful of readers, and/or that they are indirectly a tidbit of energetic nourishment to the world. Once in a while, though, I recognize a direct link between what I have written and some healing within myself. Since I wrote about homesickness (only a week ago), the subject of England has been noticeably less raw and bittersweet for me. I still feel like a clod of English soil sitting on top of American soil, not really incorporated, not really setting down roots. But the thought that I may have been carrying the homesickness load of my own female ancestors and/or other earlier European women in America -- and perhaps speaking for them -- has released quite a lot of pain.
And my last two posts have helped me come to peace with something even bigger, the fact that I simply haven't thrived despite extraordinary education and intellect, travel experiences, wonderful friends, a clear sense of purpose, and remarkably positive mental and physical health. Within our current construct, there simply was no energetic overlap or values match. No institution had a job for me to do. No institution "looked like me" or acted like me, and in turn, I couldn't with integrity be anyone other than who I am. At my core, I was always more feminist and Goddess-orientated than I realized, and, that being the case, it truly is a wonder that I am alive at all. I survived. Gratitude on that score brings me a lot of peace today.
The last thing I am at peace with, at least for the moment, is the dire state of the world. All the horrors we are seeing are the product of generations of disrespect toward women and Nature. (It may truly be as simple as that!) And I am at peace with not fighting these developments, because I honestly believe fighting simply leads to more fighting. My job as a "wise older women" is to hold an energy of peace, without and within, and "do" only that which is beautiful, love-filled, and honoring of Nature. I can walk out the door oddly at peace, because I am doing my job, and always was, to the best of my ability.
