I've put the "g" in "Blowing" even though I am alluding, of course, to the Bob Dylan song. I'm also alluding to the fact that it's official, not only that Duluth had its snowiest winter since records have been kept, but also that this April was the windiest. As I speak, we are in the third day of almost constant strong winds, with gusts up to 50 or 60 mph. I am glad Mother Nature is doing what she needs to do, but even I am starting to feel a little stir crazy. I always think of the pioneers in their sod cabins, with nothing to distract them or mitigate the sound.
Are the answers to the issues facing our world blowing in this wind? I suspect so. In the end, there is only one answer to every question, and that is that, ultimately, Nature is in charge. If it's hard for me to completely relax into that reality, I can only imagine how hard it will be for those who have a lot more confidence in our manmade structures than I do.
True to form, the step forward I reported in my last blog (because surely "feeling slightly at peace" has to be considered a step forward!) led inevitably to a few shaky days. I missed some of the friends who have drawn away from me, or who I have lost touch with. I missed the freedom to pursue the field I loved the most. I missed being at the receiving end of respect and substantial income, and the notion of having a real family or home, the notion of security...all those things that my journey at least superficially "took away from me". My intellect gets that perhaps I needed to survive outside of these realities in order to be of service right now, when more and more people are having security snatched from them. But my heart? It's broken, and has been all along. It is a pain that hits hard from time to time. Sunday, I had a rare "sick" day (even though I was physically fine). I stayed in my pjs, just emerged from my room long enough to make some soup at lunch and dinner, and slept, read, journaled, and did crosswords. I'm still a little shaky. Perhaps it is partly the wind.
Adding to all this, of course, is the fact that the coronation is coming up on Saturday. I'm not sure if I am going to watch. I seem to be a lot more enthused about royalty when a woman is at the top (!) I also realize that my perceptions of everything (including England) are teetering in these strong winds. How will it feel to watch from still-grey and chilly Duluth? I feel a million miles away, literally and figuratively, and so very different from the person I was when I was last there, over four years ago. The ties to the soil seem as strong as ever, but the ties to other aspects of the British construct are loosening in the wind.
Next door, work is being done on the building's facade, with loud machine noise all day for several days. However, I wonder if today they are taking a day off for safety reasons. If the sound of wind gets to me, the sound of loud motors is even worse. In the end, I choose the sound of Nature. I choose to blow in, and with, the wind, as much as possible.
