This has been an odd two days in Duluth. Finally, hot (by most standards anyway), but exceedingly heavy smoke from western Canada has socked in. Yesterday was the first day that my eyes, nose and throat were burning. Starting about noon, the sun literally looked red. It remains dry, and the wind was almost literally blowing tumbleweeds down the street. Yet my home turf of upstate New York, the Champlain Valley, and Vermont is being overwhelmed with water. More on that some other day.
Yes, I am reframing a lot of assumptions based on my growing awareness that most aspects of the divine feminine manifest in the world as the opposite of the manmade constructs in place. This past week, a very tempting opportunity arose, and I have been in rather a dither over whether to pursue it. The newest incarnation of me is examining it much more closely than I might have in the past.
Those of us brought up Christian may have said the words of the Lord's Prayer thousands of times: "Lead us not into temptation". We were imploring God to keep "sin" far from us (although it is rather interesting that this particular wording seems to imply that it is God himself doing the tempting!) When major male spiritual figures have been faced with temptation, it seems to have come in the form of earthly power, sex, addictions, money, violence, and so forth -- and I suppose, speaking only for myself, that when I said the Lord's Prayer as a young woman, those were the kinds of sins I assumed might eventually tempt me too, even though now, late in life, I can't say they ever have.
So I'm now wondering if the "temptations" that face women are generally far more subtle, and contrary. I'm wondering if we are sometimes "tempted" to keep reaching for the good outside ourself, not believing it isn't in us already.
This week, I learned about an event that, on first glance, I dearly wish to attend. It will be taking place far from Minnesota, and yet I wasn't daunted by that any more than I have been many times over the years, in trips to England or California, for instance. (For the moment, I'll stay quite general about this until I have made some final decisions.) Especially in the wake of having metaphorically "packed my bags" over the last month or so, my logical brain said, this is what you were packing for, Liz. Go for it!
But I held off, and I guess I am glad I did. Several layers of important pro-and-con considerations came into my consciousness, and I am in the middle of addressing them.
Ultimately, it boils down to this: this event is someone else's "dog and pony show". That certainly doesn't make it invalid. But I've reached the point where I have to ask: what is a better way to expend what little courage (and money) I have? By making last-minute arrangements to attend this thing, or by creating my own "dog and pony show"?! Will I, once again, be trying to fit into someone else's vision rather than expressing my own? Will I be reaching for love, validation and recognition that I first need to give myself?
As a woman, I am too used to being forced out of my comfort zone into participating in constructs that feel wrong for me, knowing that it might be the only way to survive in our culture. The temptation -- nay, the imperative -- to leave your core truths behind is constant. It's not some leering devil trying to lead you astray...it is friends, family, the media, the entire culture, dictating a norm and trying to pressure you into it. It is only at age 67 that I finally feel it when my inner vibration and my outer experiences match -- or don't. If they don't completely match, whenever I am making a decision large or small, may I have the courage to stay where and who I am, stay thankful, and know I am serving the divine She in my own way, however I ultimately choose to proceed. May I stay calm. May I not add to the storms around me.
