I'm a little too sleepy this morning to be tackling what I think I will be tackling, given the loud on-and-off fireworks nearly all night last night. It is impossible for me to grasp why recreating the sounds of war is the preferred way of "celebrating" the birth of our country...but I'll let that go for now.
No, I wanted to remind myself (and my readers) about something I said a month or two ago: that I wished to have at least a metaphorical roller bag ready to go after July 4th weekend. That I suspected something new would be afoot by now. And even though it isn't quite manifesting in the way I might have expected, that turned out to be the truth. Because I'm limited in my funds, there's no actual new roller bag in my closet, or more than one or two new pieces of clothing or jewelry (bought at a rummage sale). And some of my boxes remain "out east", which is fine. I haven't bought any plane tickets. To look at me, you wouldn't see a major change from May. But inside, the changes are like an earthquake. Or (ahem!) more earthquakes and tsunamis than usual with me.
A few weeks ago, my dresser display consisted of a selection of photos of English cathedrals, cards from friends, and driftwood from Lake Superior. While not completely "intentional", I think I was trying to merge the sides of me in a visual way. In mid-June, I knew it was time to change this display. I pulled everything off, cleaned and dusted the dresser top, and started over. Interestingly enough, not one item in the new configuration visually refers to England, the cathedrals, the music, anything from that tradition. In the center is a greeting card I bought locally which essentially says, "Only be yourself". It is surrounded by other greeting cards, small bits of artwork, and oracle cards of nature: owls, crows, forests, moons, lakes and stars. The driftwood, too, remains.
This is, not coincidentally perhaps, at the same time that I am re-reading the monumental book about Salisbury, England -- Sarum, by Edward Rutherford. He goes back thousands of years, and envisions the people and historical events of their eras. I am only about halfway through the book, to the building of the cathedral there. And in a process that may have started when I watched the recent coronation, I am feeling much more viscerally than ever the fact that all of the major threads of that country's history are -- literally -- "his" story. Intellectually, I've always known that, of course. But a younger me had to find something in this world to find beautiful, engaging, like a home. I didn't want to dig too far under the surface (even when I enjoyed watching shows like "Time Team"!) If I saw beauty, I didn't want to know the hard truths under the surface.
Suddenly, now that on a feeling level I am beginning to identify the genuine peace and beauty of a Goddess construct, the events of history (even presented in such an epic and humane way) feel overwhelmingly violent. Whether in my mind's eye, or on TV, or seeing drone photography from above, or through oil paintings, I may never be able to look at England again as my "safe place". As is the case basically all over the world, virtually everything on its proverbial map is manmade, and created with beliefs about the use of the landscape, spirituality, the economy, and relations between peoples and countries, that I don't really share. Does that mean I'll never go back? Not necessarily. But in my head, I'll need to find the "place" where women and earth were/are valued.
And if there isn't such a place, then I go forward with that energy within me. Since almost all my (few) belongings have to do with history, especially my books, it will be easy to pare back when the moment comes. My "roller bag" will be light. My independent feeling comes from being less tethered to the past than ever. I don't think history or our current constructs will help us too much in the coming years...
