This is one of those days when I am not going to write about what I thought I would be writing about. You spend a whole weekend thinking and mentally wording things, then suddenly on a Monday morning, it isn't on the front burner any more. Hmmm...
First of all, I want to apologize to my small handful of readers. The other day, I came upon a scrap of paper from probably at least five years ago, where I wrote something to the effect of, "from this point forward, I intend to model Goddess values to the world" -- i.e.: basically what I have been saying on and off here for the last few years. I mean, I'm probably boring you all to tears. I need to remember that this is all still such uncharted territory. It isn't completely surprising that I haven't "arrived" yet...if my intention had been to start a bed and breakfast, or go back to art school, these goals would have been rather easier to complete in the world as it is. Still...I hope I have at least circled up a bit higher on the spiral...those of you who continue reading, thank you!
Anyway, here's what's going on. I feel like I have made some kind of energetic leap in recent weeks, and that this impression of being at the portal of something new has as much to do with "energy" as with actively seeking out outward horizons or people or places (although it may end up being the same thing). I sorted through some old papers on Saturday, which left me utterly and completely drained. It wasn't just about how they reminded me of things that were hard or depressing (like going through bankruptcy, for instance), although that must have been part of it. I think it had more to do with recognizing that the "energy" of most of my life to date has been serious, challenging, disappointing, and bittersweet -- dotted with moments with intensive beauty and musical/artistic harmony. But the norm has been an expectation of struggle, which I finally understand given that my values are such a contrast to what I see around me. Something has shifted in recent days. Despite the woeful state of the world, the sadness of so many people I encounter on the street and on the bus, despite the excesses in the aisles of supermarkets and in ads on TV -- there is a little kernel within me of genuine inner peace and happiness, and I'm less and less willing to dim that tiny light so as not to upset others.
Someone said the word "pilgrimage" to me the other day, and I lit up like a candle. Even a year ago, I would have wanted to take a pilgrimage around the cathedrals and other spiritual sites in southern England. Today, February 12, 2024, I don't have the energy to move around much further than downtown Duluth, but the concept means something completely different this morning: to send out as much light as I possibly can, and see who (or what, or where) responds. To choose my pilgrimage sites based on the beauty, love and joy that echo back to me now, not to use the world's history (or my own) as a guide. Terrifying, but energizing.
