My Love Language

 

At the risk of becoming a bit of a "Johnny One-Note", I'm including another photograph where my camera seems to pick up a dramatic aura around the sun's rays. In fact, you may well see more over the next few weeks, because in the midst of this void that I am in, this strange limbo cum health hiatus, attempting to capture this effect is the first thing that has passionately grabbed me. 

Here is the odd thing. My "real" camera doesn't seem to capture these halos. My flip phone camera may simply be made of cheaper materials or have a dirtier lens. Whatever, I don't care. At this brief moment in time, I am finding it thrilling.

And here is the important thing...something words cannot really express, although I had started in a few previous blogs to do so. Energetically, these photographs share a common energy -- almost an identical energy -- to my beloved choral evensong repertoire, and related a cappella choral music. This is the visual equivalent to the "O Lord, in Thee have I trusted" moment towards the end of the Howells Collegium Regale "Te Deum". Or the entire Tallis "Spem in Alium". Or almost any page of music from many evensong services or commonly-sung anthems. For me, anyway, when people refer to entering the Aquarian age, or the age of all-Love, this is the energy I feel throughout my body, and see in my heart, and hear in my inner ear. This is what Love feels like, looks like, sounds like. 

I've stumbled upon my Love language, I guess, and will do my best in upcoming weeks to continue to express it in as many wider ways as I can. If I find this "common energy" in yet other forms, I'll try to bring them to you immediately, even if I haven't worked out a more polished way of doing so!

Another New Moon

I haven't slept well recently, and this morning I have been up since about 1:30 AM, so I finally decided, it's a new moon, so why not really do something "new" and get up and write -- and in addition, change the format and color of my blog slightly. I mean, this is pathetic -- minor changes...not reflective of what apparently is the actual power of this new moon...but it feels quite dynamic to start the day so very differently.

One thing I am realizing, in the brutal honesty of 4:30 AM, is that I am bored. And I think I've been bored much of the time in this lifetime. If I am "Aquarian" on as many levels as I think I am, then it was always boring (if you will) to deal with the dying civilization of the Piscean age. I've done my best, but I've rarely been fully engaged, in my element, full of life. So at this pivotal moment in the world's evolution, absolutely all my old kinds of options feel like closed doors. Most of my activities have lost their luster, or I can only do them for very limited periods of time. I had planned a new adventure later this week, but then a bodily illness jumped in to cancel that plan. Hmm...

On occasion, I have said that life felt like a long bright hallway with a lot of doors, only one of which I could open at a given crossroad. But this morning early, I seem to have even less actual agency. I feel more like I'm in a fragile paper bag, and the Goddess is carrying me somewhere completely, utterly new, and when I get there, the bag will open and I will fly out -- my earthbound self having had no choice in the matter whatsoever. I will still be on this planet and in this lifetime, but "flying" more freely and with more integrity, and in a completely new landscape, literally and figuratively.

The other day, I found yet another beautiful little bird's feather on the ground, light grey with a small patch of orange-y pink. I've looked online, but can't find images that match it, so perhaps this is my wing. My transportation when the bag opens, perhaps in another new moon, or two or three.

Another Week

Another week, in what may be the strangest, hardest year in all our lifetimes. If the astrologers are right, it will be an eventful week. This essay is definitely a "miscellany", but I've used that title too many times!

On Saturday, I stayed home. I simply had to because of my health situation, but I probably would have anyway because I just do not seem to have it in me to do anything "against" anything. But I honor the many millions who went out -- all of us made different agreements about our roles in this lifetime, and I believe everyone (bar none) is doing their best to play their role. 

Part of my personal role is to be as honest as I can possibly be in these posts, and I have to confess to some rare envy surfacing. Some of the astrologers and other New Age people I am following online are so far ahead of me in terms of their ability to function as experts. They are being heard, in a word. After all these years, I still don't yet know what that would feel like, musically, or in terms of speech. And another little dose of envy surfaced...I had a meander around Schenectady's most historic district, with its charming 200-to-300-year-old houses. If I had had a more normal life and career, and had found my way back to the Capital District, it is where I would have wanted to live. Again, a smidgeon of envy tormented me. I mean, I know why I couldn't function in our economy, and I have come to accept that so many factors have, in effect, priced me out of such a life. And I know perfectly well that within a short time, "normal" life of any kind will probably be impossible. Still, I find myself longing for one year -- even one month -- of that world or something equivalent. It's a pointless exercise (I've lived the experience that I agreed to for this lifetime!) but, yup, I'm human. And its not fair to myself or to readers to pretend that I am untouched by the emotions and "failings" we may all hope to be moving beyond.

I am reminded this morning that no matter how unsettled and unconventional my journey has been, it has been more comfortable by far than that of millions of people around the globe. It is hard to express exactly what emotion is surfacing about that...it's almost like "words cannot express"...

Also, I'm feeling extraordinary sadness that we are all being so bombarded by hatred. I try to pivot as quickly as possible from sadness and even anger into the place of joy and unity that we are heading into, but it is hard. I am trying to remind myself that the intensity of this negativity is in part what will make people start choosing all-Love. 

And as for "stamina", I still don't have enough stamina to continue my discussion of that word!

I received a precious gift the other day, a set of Goddess-centered oracle cards, and one of them illustrates "The Great Void" as a seated Goddess with the Universe in her belly. That is my card for this week. Another week. Another incredible week.

Goddess Words 51: Stamina

This is going to be short today. (How's that for irony, when the topic is "stamina"?!) 

Yes, in the midst of this medical thing I am dealing with, I knew that the best, most constructive thing I could possibly do for myself, the world, and the Goddess, is to present another word on my list. And the only one that seemed to fit the day is "stamina" -- having the power to endure and sustain for the long term. 

Wow, thinking back to the mid-2000's, I am trying to imagine why I considered this a Goddess word. My journey since working in the corporate world had been long and circuitous, and had required a level of strength and stamina that I probably didn't even know I had. But by today's standards, life "back then" was somewhat less tumultuous, and, of course, I was twenty years younger. 

Perhaps I knew that to survive these many generations of neglect, the Goddess Herself has needed a level of stamina that we humans cannot possibly even fathom. Gaia has also needed immeasurable stamina to survive as a planet. Sometimes I am up to the task of envisioning how the Great Mother would think or feel, but today, not so much...so instead, I'll just focus on the extraordinary stamina of human women. All over the world, we are facing unprecedented challenges, and most of us are doing it with strengths that we didn't even know we had. We are enduring. We are persisting.

That's all for now. Perhaps I'll do a "PS" next time! 

Of Things Medical

As so often happens on this Liz path, I "spring ahead" and then all-too-soon "fall back". (From what I understand, this is pretty common for people on any kind of intensive spiritual journey.)  Late last week, I was pretty excited about having inched up the creative scale by including a photograph in this blog, and I was looking forward to one or two upcoming events that would be spiritually reinvigorating.

Within hours, I was thrust into a medical situation which has drained all my time and energy. Yes, it is something affecting me, and yes, it is something relatively easily dealt with. But when post-duality me has to deal with our health care system, it's an enormous challenge. I'll go so far as to say it is traumatizing. It is nearly impossible for me to get into a place of any kind of fighting, even "fighting illness", a concept that even today is core to our modern notion of healing. My brain and soul are straining to operate in an all-Love, new paradigm way, but my old paradigm body and the system I have almost no choice but to turn to, tend to operate the opposite (although my body is doing an extraordinary job of learning!) On a few occasions these last few years, I have just had to do my best to explain to my body that we needed to take such-and-such a step, to bear with me. I asked my system to do its best to zig zag through old and new paradigm thinking to bring healing as quickly as possible.

One thing I cannot help but do, especially in these times, is think in metaphor. As a woman, I watch Gaia struggling for sovereignty, and to excrete toxins, and I see that same process happening within me. A few times these last few days, I simply sat crosslegged and tried to envision total, immediate and complete healing. I'm not evolved enough yet to heal myself that quickly, but do I believe it is theoretically possible? Yes. And if at this crucial moment in time, I needed to experience some pain in order to accompany other pain-filled people on their paths forward, I warmly accept that role.

It's not going to be possible to attend at least one upcoming event that I had thought would be catalytic. Yes, I am disappointed. But I've been on this journey long enough to know that it's possible I've moved too quickly and no longer need that step. Perhaps another more appropriate step is unfolding in its place, in the silence and enforced stillness. This week became more of a Void than I anticipated, yet after a rocky few days, I welcome the emptiness and will listen as intently as I can to its messages. Crow came to me in an oracle card, and when I finally got out for a walk this morning, about half-a-dozen of them flew out of the trees and cawed a greeting. I greeted them back. I'm (as ever) glad to be alive.

A New Light

 

Well, I did it. While this doesn't yet represent a major change in the direction of being more multi-media, it is (I think) only the second time I've published a photograph. This one was taken a week or so ago on my flip phone, and it made a slightly circuitous route into this blog, but I'm making progress. And my actual camera does still work, but doesn't yet communicate with my computer. Lastly, after taking a few stabs at illustrations and the concept of animation, I'm on the fence because it's not energetically rich enough or colorful enough for what I am trying to accomplish. It's all about the transmission of energy right now. So, onwards and upwards.

The reason I have liked my little flip phone camera is that in the right light, it captures these auras, or reflections, or whatever they are, making the image seem truly alive. I do believe (as I said last time) that we are entering an era that will be characterized by a new quality of light, and love, and truth, and if we take our focus off the circus fanfare, here it is! In front of our very eyes! The sun hitting the vase just right, the sunset a color of reddish-purple that you've never seen before, even finding that you can see in the dark better than you used to.

I'm a little embarrassed to say that my "crawling in the grass" experiment was a little unsuccessful. Well, a lot unsuccessful, due to my own inability to relax and not worry about whether anyone would see me. In fact, I quickly pulled out the ol' cell phone in order to be seen to be doing something "valid" -- taking a picture. Having said that, I got a brief up-close view of a clump of weeds that was surprising and interesting, so I'll keep pushing the envelope in this regard as well. Heck, if all else fails, I'll offer you a series of photos from ground level. It's not quite the same as being a young child with no agenda but to crawl around and explore the world, but it has given me an ever-so-slight change of perspective, which is helpful at this tumultuous watershed time.

Rock on, folks. In the midst of "it all", just do one new thing this weekend, or see one old thing in a new light.

Uncovering

I guess the best way to almost guarantee that few people will read your next blog post is to announce that you have uncovered another layer of anger! We'll see what happens...

So, thinking back on childhood, and the fact that I wasn't aware of nature, has been the source of a new stream of sadness and even rage. And this goes beyond the specifics of my particular family, really. The bigger question is, in American society at large, have youngsters ever been taught to respect Nature or to take a loving interest in animals, plants, insects and birds? The answer was probably "no" 70 years ago, and undoubtedly still is. I won't make any larger generalizations except to say that with our country's leadership role in the world, it is tragic beyond belief that we've encouraged a focus on human progress to the almost complete exclusion of the needs of Earth, our solar system, and beyond. Watching what we are doing (or plan to do) to Earth's waters, skies, the moon, and the planets -- yes, it makes me actively angry. I've stuffed a yearning for the Love of the Great Mother so far down in my system, and tumbled around so long in a loveless black hole of narcissism, that I've been numb, to this day. Feeling anger is at least a relief!

I mean, what haunts me is little girl me. Let's say my mom did let me loose in the back yard to crawl around on the grass. Putting aside her inability to take an active teaching role, and putting aside the fact that by this time, I was probably already nearsighted (I needed glasses by age 5) -- how is it humanly possible that my little eyes didn't notice the butterflies, or the lines of ants, or the texture of the different kinds of grasses? How, until very recently, did I have no curiosity about the natural world? Why did I feel so detached from it? Why did I seem to feel that it didn't matter, just as I didn't matter? Why did I spend a lifetime trying to engage almost exclusively with the entities that clearly did matter, and measure my worth in that context? The answers are self-evident. The paradigm in place dictated what should be valued, and little girls, butterflies, and Nature's importance/sovereignty, weren't valued per se. Sometimes when I become aware of my anger, I don't know whether it is on my account, or on behalf of the Goddess. Perhaps it is both.

In the last decade, I have uncovered so many mother lodes that, if I were a miner, I would be a millionaire by now. This work can seem never ending, and if I didn't firmly believe that we are in the midst of a huge energetic/Love ascension right now, I know I would succumb to complete despair. I'm so exhausted. So exhausted. But I do believe that we are experiencing ascension, and that within a short number of years, Life will be infused with such high levels of Light and Love that we cannot describe it in our current understanding or language. Nature Herself will be ascending at the same time that we do, so we cannot expect the natural world to stay as we remember it from childhood. But if we can uncover our childlike Love and wonder in the face of Nature, and focus on the feeling of respect and awe, She will be our companion as we all rise.

I'm going to go out later when it warms up a little (autumn weather has finally arrived!) and crawl on the grass, and just see what I see. Glasses on. I don't care who sees me. I'll describe the experience next time.

But this IS surprising...

Surprising thing A is that I am writing this in the afternoon Tuesday, not my normal time. (But proofing and publishing today, Wednesday.)

I just had the privilege of being given the opportunity to consider what nature was like at the house where I grew up. Was I aware of it? Of animals, birds, insects, weather events, and so forth? In an initially rather sad outgrowth of what I wrote the other day, I had to be honest with myself and say, the answer to that question is a decided "no". Some children make intense connections with wildlife, the landscape, or the elements, through games or imaginary worlds, particularly when their home life is rocky. But my parents themselves didn't really have a relationship with the nature, and I didn't grow my own connection independently, at least early on. "Experiencing the out-of-doors" was wading in our plastic wading pool, pedaling my tricycle down the cracked cement driveway...and you've heard the story about my making a fairy tea set with my grandmother (see May 3, 2016). Did I notice hawks and cardinals, or rabbits scurrying for cover, or caterpillars, or spider's webs? Did I notice the wind, or the power of a heavy snowfall, or the aroma of cut hay from nearby fields? No. I can remember half-a-dozen of the specific books on my parents' living room shelf, including Rachel Carson's Silent Spring and Winston Churchill's History of the English-Speaking Peoples (I guess I was fated to be an anglophile!) I remember the placement of every single item of furniture in the house. But we had no pets, and the outside world's "pets" were beyond my ken.

So here is Surprising thing B. The suggestion was made that I consider whether the wildlife near our house noticed me! I was a beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed baby girl, and I assume that from time to time, my mother took me out in a stroller or to crawl in the grass. Did little squirrels peek out at me from under a bush? Did eagles study me from above, or did the trees feel a warm sense of wanting to protect me from the wind? I mean, this has opened up a door to the possibility that, instead of being terribly alone as a child, I had a community of loving -- or at least curious -- animals, plants and insects around me, keeping me safe, caring, wondering how I would turn out. Even more than my parents, local wildlife may have valued my presence. What an amazing thought!

I feel badly that I was so clueless back then, so I guess all I can do is thank this wild population in the present. These days I actively talk with birds and squirrels, and take pictures of nature's beauty. Someday soon, maybe I will actually stop by the house, which is still there, even if just to thank that big tree that served to shelter a fairy tea party...

(And in true "Lizpath" style, yesterday's rich considerations have uncovered another vein of sadness and anger. Next time.)

Not Surprising...

I guess it is not surprising, in the wake of so much earth intensity and personal growth, that a hard moment would enter the mix. As part of what started out as a fairly innocuous conversation the other day, some of my family's demons rose to the surface, and I have had -- at the very least -- to acknowledge their continuing potential to cause me pain. 

This isn't something I could illustrate with art, photography, or music (even if I had pulled all those strings together already) so all I will do today is express again the message I received early in this lifetime and often: you are not worthy of our attention, financial support, or love. Period. Full stop. Yes, I was fed and housed through high school, attended private school and college, and seemed to benefit from the 1960's Capital District infrastructure that I currently see around me in its 21st century iteration. On the surface, it was a good American start in the world. But way deep down, there was no "there" there in this little nuclear family. There was no actual top-down Love, and the person who could be blamed for everything was not only blamed, but deep-sixed. The person with probably the greatest ability to love was ostracized. I mean, this first happened on my "birth day", and then over and over from then on, and the psychic pain is immeasurable. I keep thinking that I've done as much healing work as I can, but clearly I have not. 

What is so traumatizing about our current time is seeing the very same impulse playing out on the larger stage. Perhaps it was "the human condition" of the previous paradigm to leave unwanted people in the psychic wilderness or kill them off. But that sorry paradigm is coming to a rapid close. The Age of Aquarius has started. The Goddess is in the ascendant, and such activities will rapidly become obsolete. In the future, we will never do such things to our children, any of our children. 

This is the moment for some of us to address past trauma and pain, and make a final push to heal. Wounds may be manifesting as physical pain, emotional pain, or a combination of the two, and obviously some measure of active healing cannot hurt. But I also think we are going through the portal into an era where, literally, a lifetime of slights can no longer hurt us. If, in the past, other people chose to operate from a place of non-Love, their choices can no longer hurt us. By next year, 2026, it will be time to move forward without the heavy load of past grief. It is time to completely let go.

I know how important I am. This is not ego, or narcissism, or power-hungriness, it is simply understanding that when you are a facet of the great Goddess, you cannot possibly be "unimportant" or "unworthy". It is time for all of us to start resonating with new words like "worthy", "extraordinary" and "brilliant". And it is time to see what life is like when it reverberates those energies back to us!

"Spem in Alium"

Last night, I couldn't sleep properly for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was perseverating on the news. At midnight, I turned on my local classical music station just in time to hear the very beginning of a piece I have sung only once, but feel I know to the core of my being, Thomas Tallis's "Spem in Alium", the haunting 40-voice motet. (Oddly, and it must have been the lack of sleep, I spent several bars thinking, "Is this 'Spem in Alium'?" before realizing that of course it was.) 

By the end of the piece, in ten minutes or so, I sat up and thought something that, unbelievably, I don't think I have ever thought or said before. And that is: it is completely unacceptable that I have lived a life largely separated from this music, which is energetically me. (And of course, I don't mean just "Spem in Alium", or Howells's "Collegium Regale" or Parry's "I Was Glad" or Harris's "Faire is the Heaven" or Byrd's "Sing Joyfully"...or any one of thousands of pieces and services that are part of the English cathedral repertoire.) It is unacceptable that I was always an ocean away, or a gender away, or a nationality away, or whatever it was that pulled me apart from myself. And as much as I hope the next few weeks and months finds me incorporating this music and my visual arts skills into my self-expression in a more effective way, that is still arguably window-dressing. This tradition is me, the core of me. This is my music, my primary form of beauty, my primary form of spirituality, my energetic vibration. It is my primary form of "religious" expression, despite a personally expanded theological context. "Spem in Alium" means, essentially, "Only in Thee, O Lord, do I put my trust" -- if at this moment I dedicate my love for this music to the feminine face of God, I get to do that. I am 69 years old, it has been a journey and a half to stay alive, and I get to do that.

Needless to say, I was finally able to get to sleep. Then, to wake up and hear that Sarah Mullally has been named the first woman Archbishop of Canterbury...what synchronicity. Or is it?!

All I will say today...

All I will say today is that what we are seeing in front of our eyes isn't the tragedy (as I am sure I've said before). The tragedy is the dualistic paradigm that humans have lived with for so long. The tragedy has been believing that strife is necessary and winning is possible, in any situation. The good news is that we are growing out of duality -- into a more unified, less conflict-driven mode.  This is the proverbial dawning of the Age of Aquarius, as little as it may look like it some days. More and more people will come to realize that the only antidote to hatred, fear, and conflict is Love. And much as I, at least, cannot begin to love certain people or situations, I trust and embrace what I believe of the process, which is bringing more Love to all life in the universe. All I can do today is be as loving as possible in as many situations as possible, to align with that greater Love.

(It's still not clear whether my old camera, which I did find, will be compatible enough to use for sharing photographs, so I'll keep you posted on that.)