Virtual Reality

I figured that I wouldn't write till the end of the week, but if this blog is going to be about my path, that needs to include a lot of the small steps forward. And so far, my decision to focus my efforts this week on being kind of an energetic "standing stone" for three wonderful events in England has already borne some fruit. First and most importantly, I believe that in the last 48 hours, I have been more at peace with myself than I have been in a long time. The mere decision to "do" something, not turn away -- even if it is just holding these events in the light from afar -- has started a healing process that was impossible when I maintained such a black and white separation between "me in England" and "me in America." My heart has zeroed in on the "energy" of the events, not the reality of whether I am physically there. Secondly, within several hours of posting the last blog, searching the internet I found that there are some people living near me who might be an excellent resource, and I sent off an email to them. Thirdly, there have been several other signposts that it is worth hanging in there with my still improbable goals, such as watching "Eddie the Eagle," a charming, light film about an Englishman who believed (despite being unathletic in the extreme) that he was destined to compete in the Olympics. This is a true story; he took up ski jumping in the late 1980's and, against all odds, competed in the 1988 games. He did not achieve a medal but did achieve a personal best and a British record. No matter how ridiculous he looked to others, he just plowed ahead.

The most powerful moment came an hour or so ago, when I listened in real time to BBC Radio Three's Choral Evensong from Gloucester Cathedral, with the choirs of Gloucester, Worcester and Hereford. OK, so on the surface, this may not seem like a huge step forward from 50 years ago, when I would listen to records of the great English men and boys' choirs. But it was different. I know Gloucester Cathedral pretty well from having attended numerous evensongs there and also, two years ago, from having auditioned for a countertenor singing position in their choir. I was not chosen, but it was such an unbelievable privilege to be one of the first women to try; I believe the choir has had one woman countertenor since then, and starting in September, they will have a girls' choir for the first time. When I closed my eyes and sang along to the psalms and the responses (and winged it a bit with the gorgeous, new, but unfamiliar Mag and Nunc) I literally felt that I was there, and I was, "virtually." Overall, I was taking part, not being torn apart. This is huge, huge progress.

Really, if you think about it, the fact that I have had as much access as I have had over the years to this extraordinary musical tradition is a miracle. There is only one moment in history when I could have lived this lifetime, and I am sure it is no accident. I chose this path. On the darker days, it's tempting to reject that notion, but on a week like this when the path starts lighting up again, it's  a delightfully powerful feeling to know that I am the author of my reality, virtual or otherwise. I think I'll make myself a cup of tea...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07lg57p