Moving forward, and occasionally stopping

A variety of factors personally and in the news have had me musing about the concept of freedom. My recent life has been a paradoxical blend of freedom and utter restriction; the freedom to be myself and to make periodic trips to England has been accompanied by its twin, financial instability and practical uncertainties of every kind. I seem to have figured out how to manifest opportunities to sing in cathedrals, but I have no car of my own with which to drive to a supermarket. I freely follow the stream of my life to new, more spiritually rich destinations, but often during transitional moments, I literally have nowhere to go and no way of getting anywhere. Eventually I breathe a thread of love out to the future and attract a growth-filled next step, and I am so thankful for having learned to do this, but it is like walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon. I cannot stop, and I cannot, cannot look down.

Choices. Freedom. This weekend, I will be attending a women's retreat. Should the little bit of money I have to my name have gone to that, or to buying new glasses or supporting my physical rather than my spiritual needs? Should it have gone to job-hunting or networking or making a five-year plan or hiring a career counselor? Arguably, yes. But this event called to me. I don't recommend my kind of path -- our physicality is such an important part of our earth journey -- but I'm at that point where it's hard to imagine that I, Liz, could have gone a different way. And periodically, I stop and celebrate my power to have made other choices. At step A or B or C, I could have returned to the full-time work world. I could have made marriage a priority, or high income, or a house, or worldly success. I could have, but I did not. My impulse to understand myself and my world on a deep level seems to be too strong. My impulse to move forward spiritually (which often seems to involve physically) is too strong.

The good news is that I go into this weekend absolutely committed to the book that I have already started to write. Creating this blog two years ago was an important step; my fear of putting myself out there has largely abated. Several book attempts have piled up over the last few years, and been outgrown. But now I know that it's time to stop my forward movement just long enough to finish a real, substantial book. What inner compass I have been following? Which of my life lessons are ready to be shared? What aspects of my journey may help others, or speak (as Quakers say) to their condition? If I can gain an insight or two on how to approach the book over Saturday and Sunday, I will feel that the return on my small investment has been rich indeed, and that I've freely made the right choice. For me, and maybe eventually, for my readers.