Last night, I watched a movie with a striking image from the air of a man getting into a red row boat in the blue water. He's wearing trousers, which are soaked, and from above he looks so small, and the body of water looks so large. It sounds like where I am at today, one foot in my boat, and one foot just about to push off from shore. I am both ready and not ready. New tsunamis of pain continue to wash over me and I may need a safe harbor sooner rather than later. I am not sure I have the right clothing, or enough resources, or even enough strength. But I have a few temporary harbors lined up in upcoming weeks as I get back into the stream of life. "Setting sail" this time has much in common with other, past journeys, although the process seems less solitary than it has often been, in part because this harbor was particularly, wonderfully safe to germinate in. I am so very thankful.
I suppose there aren't many newborn babies who can immediately articulate their goals, but as a 62-year-old baby with a blog, I'll give it a try. I won't say my goal is to love more, because I've expressed a whole lot of love for a whole lot of people, places and things over the years. But my goal in this rebirth is to discern a little more quickly whether that love is being reciprocated. No, it's not that I think we should only love those who love us back...there's enough love in the universe for a whole lot of random, wild loving. But with key people, places and things, there should be an ebb and flow, a give and take, a wild enthusiasm coming back in your direction at least from time to time. If the electrical current is only moving in one direction, well, that's not good, and the tsunamis and electrical storms build up. I'd like to get better at weathering storms and feeling the nuances of interpersonal energy in real time, reducing the need for such a major reboot.
My technology is somewhat outdated, and my access to the internet may come and go these next few weeks. It is my intention to try to keep to my usual every-few-day schedule, but it may be that you'll only hear from me more like once a week. Skippers need to focus on the present, right? This is an intense time for all of us; please know that continuing to celebrate the unique twists and turns of my path through it is my highest priority and I will check in as soon as I can. Thanks for being there, and see you soon!
