Tears. I woke up all too early this morning, and burst into tears. Saturday seemed to be the culmination of a horrible week, a horrible few years, and, for me, a horrible three decades or so.
No, this moment in history is not about me. Now that I realize how I was influenced by extreme narcissism from the moment I was born, I will always have to check myself whenever I write. Am I speaking my truth so that people focus on me, or is it to try to get to the bottom of bigger truths? Most of the time, I think it is the latter, and I hope I'll always catch myself if I slide into the former. Today, I believe the tears were about a bigger truth.
I've told the story how about, back in the 80's, a very successful businessman lectured me about how it's a "kill-or-be-killed world," and unless I was willing to kill, I would never make it. These words would turn out to be prophetic. I came to realize that all our institutions seemed to be fear-based, and either literally or figuratively violent. One by one I stopped being able to function within them. I have been looked on as pathetic, inept, unintelligent, annoying, and de facto invisible, and I'm lucky to be alive, but in the end, it's about the fact that I cannot fathom "killing" another person or supporting a system that does so, even symbolically. It has been traumatizing watching our for-profit system in action, a health care system that "fights disease," and the spread of violent entertainment content. I would have made a great lawyer, except I cannot bear "us vs. them." It is even hard for me to walk into a big box store, sensing the violence and slavery that goes into almost every single item and the harm to the earth of every tiny scrap of plastic. For decades, modern life has traumatized me; I may believe that the people killed on Saturday have made a smooth and easy transition to the eternal stream of divine love, but that doesn't negate the utter devastation caused by this gunman and a larger system that too often seems to condone or glorify such events, and puts those who are sensitive, artistic or peaceful in jeopardy. I think I am only beginning to feel the pain of years of such day-to-day insecurity.
There have been a lot of calls to "fight" hatred, and that brings me to tears even more because fighting hatred only leads to more fighting and more hatred. This "fighting" paradigm is on its way out, and those of us who can must focus on the qualities that will continue into the next, unified, one: beauty, joy, love, community and harmony. There is no "other," there is only us.
