I don't know whether it's the All Saints/All Souls effect, the Lake Superior effect, the lake effect snow effect, or the tragedies unfolding across our country effect. But for a few days last week it was overwhelming to realize (again! Sorry, folks, more tsunamis!) that absolutely every major aspect of my life has been the utter opposite of what I would have wanted. I would have wanted a warm, loving, supportive family-of-origin, and that wasn't the reality. I would have wanted to sing English church music all my life, and that wasn't the reality. I would have wanted to live over there, and so far, that isn't the reality. I would have wanted marriage and children, and that wasn't the reality. I would have wanted work or a career that was fulfilling, suited to me, and earned me appropriate recognition and income, and that wasn't the reality. I would have wanted a solid, rooted, home, and that hasn't yet been the reality.
This isn't a "pity party," although I've been on the verge of tears a lot. At 62, though, whatever "it" is in your life washes over you until you resolve it. In my case, "it" isn't each of these aspects of life individually, as hard as they have been. It's the whole package, the enormity of trying so very hard in so many areas only to "achieve" nothing that even begins to look or feel like success (or even stability) by anyone's standards. For someone who believes in the law of attraction, this path has been nearly devastating at times. Why can't I "attract" these things? I am trying like heck to figure out what the life lesson is in it all, because the life lesson may be the only achievement.
That's where a memory comes in. Back in the mid-90's, I met an extraordinary woman. To this day, she may be the wisest human being I've ever encountered. She was an Aquarian mystic, like me, and at that point had, herself, been wandering for at least twenty years. She was at that time about the age I am now, and at that point, I had been wandering only a few years; I remember thinking, "Lordy, if I am still in this position in twenty years, I won't be able to stand it." (How true!) But she made a comment that stuck with me. She made the point that the people who are "new paradigm" in their thinking but can tolerate operating day-to-day in an "old paradigm" manner are the people most likely to be comfortable, if not rich, at this transitional moment. (I think this is still true -- look at computer and IT millionaires.) She reckoned that those of us who are completely new paradigm have no choice but to literally forge a path in the wilderness.
Remembering her observation helped me to calm down. In the end, every single one of the institutions I wanted to be part of are "old paradigm." Whatever tune my body and soul are singing, it isn't on the same radio station as the culture at large. I am ultimately "new paradigm" through and through, which is why I simply haven't attracted "old paradigm" experiences. The reason life has been, at times, hellish is that I have measured myself to standards that simply will never fit who I am. Spiritual paths aren't linear, but still, backward movement doesn't work. Holding yourself back from who you really are doesn't work.
I'm close to finishing the collage self-portrait that I started a few weeks ago. It is extremely powerful. In fact, I can only work on it in small snatches because the image is so intense. The woman looking out from the two-dimensional page is so real and so powerful, I myself can hardly bear to look at her, much less be her. Yet "being her" is literally my only option going forward. I don't know where my old friend is, whether on the human or on the divine plane, but I feel she is with me. She gets "it." She lived "it."
