There is so much that is remarkable, worthy of attention, right now. Why my little life should matter in the midst of it all, I don't really know, but I think it does.
My Thanksgiving retreat was your basic "mystic-goes-on-retreat," plus some. It certainly pushed all my buttons to be entirely alone in a big old house eating a microwaved frozen turkey dinner when most of the country was feasting with friends and family. Of course, that's the point. Perhaps there were millions of other people on their own. (Our image of what that day should be may be outdated in so many ways, and totally irrelevant in others. How we have segued from connectedness and giving thanks to football and shopping boggles my mind.)
Putting aside all the ways in which my situation is unique, the fact is that more and more women are staying single, and more and more of us are not having children. Some people might say, well, if you don't have a family, or you are no longer connected with your family-of-origin, that's your own darned fault, but I think the whole notion of family is undergoing a serious shift, and some of us are simply on the cutting edge. I won't say it isn't terrifying. It is. Every single day. I'm proud of myself that I did not try to push the loneliness aside. I waded into the wave with both feet.
Fortunately I have the capacity to get above it all (most of the time) and celebrate some bigger meaning. For I was with family over the weekend, my personal sense of the divine. I think I finally reached that point of recognizing that the only "person" to whom I need look for support, for a reflection of who I am, and for validation of my worldview, is that loving divine energy that, at the moment at least, I can only see as feminine. I am at home in her and in myself, and in relationship with her, and with myself. When I take a deep breath and don't panic, that's essentially all I need.
The other remarkable realization that came from the weekend is an ever more immediate sensitivity to every factor in our world that tries to spread fear. Getting away for a few days, you "return" and sense fear everywhere, in almost every television advertisement, news item, institution, you name it. The dualities feel ever more painful, but also increasingly dispensable. Everyone else may want to "fight" fear-filled things, but I cannot fight and at the same time be in the flow of unity and love, so given the choice, you know what I'll pick! Some of us are fighters, and some of us aren't. In this remarkable time, we must, must, must be authentically who we are.
