An interesting thing has happened in the three weeks or so since I wrote my first Goddess Words post. I am not sure if it would have happened anyway...I had a hunch that I was in the midst of another rebirth, another eye of the needle. Nine months of living alone is about to come to an end, and if nothing else, I can't help but wonder about the timing's pregnancy metaphor. I've experienced many such "eyes" in the last few decades, moments where I could so easily have fallen completely off the rails, but because of my own balanced tiptoeing across a high wire or the assistance of one completely unexpected (and blessed) person or situation, life went on.
It was interesting looking up the definition of "eye of the needle". Despite decades of exposure to readings and sermons about the rich man not being able to go through such a portal, I don't think I understood that the origin of the term had more to do with overloaded camels having to be completely unpacked to walk through a city gate. Somehow, visualizing men literally unloading a sweaty, grumpy camel, hot sun beating down and dust swirling, has given this metaphor even more meaning than before.
The nature of my current gate/portal/eye of the needle is clearer to me than in previous experiences, where I think my main concern was simple survival. I hoped to live another day, another month, another year. This time, I see myself going through a very specific "gate". I see it more as a Venn diagram, with two equal circles overlapping in a small lens, which I gather is called a "vesica piscis". The circle on the left is my passion for England and English church music (and English art, history, design, geography, spiritual sites, etc.) and the circle on the right is my passion for the Goddess/Nature, and the qualities that I associate with Her. The unusual intersection of the two is...well...me. I know that much at least. If I have a tribe, so to speak, I haven't encountered them yet. If I have a place, I have a hunch where it is, but at this moment I am not there.
In the last few weeks, a few old friendships have seemed to fall away, if only temporarily. It has been painful. And I have found that my tolerance for everything not connected with these two circles has plummeted. After a lifetime of trying so hard to love everything but my two core passions, I've reached the gate where everything else on planet Earth is falling away. All I can see, all I can focus on, and all I can carry through this gate into the future, are my two passions. Fortunately, they are not physical "possessions", they are who I am, so hopefully I will walk through unimpeded. My task at the other side will not be simple survival (although I hope I do survive for a while at least!) My task will be to embody these two essentials, and find a creative expression for the place where they overlap. If I find the right expression, of course, it won't be a "task" at all, but a joy.
